[stolen_innocence08]

Hello

I started therapy a while ago after a good ten year break even then it's very different this time it's my choice and I am no longer a young adult/teenager and much more stable. Or was.

I have issues with attachment, I have borderline PD. I avoid attachments and friendships as my life spirals out of control when I have attachments. I lead a real isolated life but ive been free of self harm.

Since starting seeing T I've got really attached and developed probably quite a big attachment to her. I havent told her of my BPD label though she is experienced and knows my issues. I fear my attachment so much and it hurts so much when I am not with her that I've resorted to self harming to take the pain away. This is a secret from her. I don't know what to do. It just ****ing hurts. I can't say 'you make me want to cut my arms to pieces because you can't love me' can I?

Maybe I should abandon therapy now and accept attachments are just not worth the pain.

I think successful therapy includes a certain level of attachment. That's why therapy isn't really doing it for me. I refuse to "attach" to my T, so the trust isn't really there. I know there are probably people who disagree with me, but that has been my experience. Hope things get better for you!

[stolen_innocence08]

I don't know what to do. Maybe I should stop. I mean, self harming because the attachment to T is filled with grief and pain?

[RedSun]

If you can, do try and talk to your T. She needs to know what you are going through. Actually saying a variant of your quote 'you make me want to cut my arms to pieces because you can't love me' might really start to help her understand what you need in therapy.

[Seraphine]

I know what you mean, as far as the attachment that can't really go any further, it is a really sucky feeling. I'm sorry it makes you feel the need to cut though, I've done similar in friendships for similar reasons, grieving a love you could never be honest about.
I wish i had any real advice, apart from finding distractions to give yourself the chance to not self injure, like coloring in, or drawing something that makes you happy where you would cut instead, but i do send hugs and support. This is not easy to get through, I know, but you can.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by stolen_innocence08

I don't know what to do. Maybe I should stop. I mean, self harming because the attachment to T is filled with grief and pain?

Perhaps this is your chance to change how you relate to people. Therapy is really hard and can be really painful. Please, tell your T how your sessions make you feel and give her the opportunity to help.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by twistedangel00

I think successful therapy includes a certain level of attachment. That's why therapy isn't really doing it for me. I refuse to "attach" to my T, so the trust isn't really there. I know there are probably people who disagree with me, but that has been my experience. Hope things get better for you!

I respect your position on attachment...and I understand it. Every week I wonder if I really want to "do this." I wish you well and sincerely hope you get what you need from your therapy; that's the bottom line, however each one of us goes about it.

[ChipperMonkey]

Have you considered DBT or are you in DBT right now?

[LonesomeTonight]

I suggest talking to your T about it. If it's too hard to share all at once, you could start by just saying you have the urge to self-harm.

And your T should be a safe place to process your attachment issues, too. I say this as someone who became very attached to my marriage counselor, but we worked through it. It was painful at times, but I think I've come out on the other side now and have a healthy rather than unhealthy attachment to him. If you work through the attachment issues with T, it could help you understand where the need/pain is coming from. And that could ultimately help you with other relationships in your life.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by stolen_innocence08

Hello

I started therapy a while ago after a good ten year break even then it's very different this time it's my choice and I am no longer a young adult/teenager and much more stable. Or was.

I have issues with attachment, I have borderline PD. I avoid attachments and friendships as my life spirals out of control when I have attachments. I lead a real isolated life but ive been free of self harm.

Since starting seeing T I've got really attached and developed probably quite a big attachment to her. I havent told her of my BPD label though she is experienced and knows my issues. I fear my attachment so much and it hurts so much when I am not with her that I've resorted to self harming to take the pain away. This is a secret from her. I don't know what to do. It just ****ing hurts. I can't say 'you make me want to cut my arms to pieces because you can't love me' can I?

Maybe I should abandon therapy now and accept attachments are just not worth the pain.

I really feel for you. I am really attached to my T and at times it is really painful. I understand wanting the pain to go away. I think the best thing you can do is to tell your T about your attachment and the self harming. I told my T about mine and she is helping me through it. I did just learn myself that attachments are worth the pain because you have your T in your life. I hope you can work through it and the pain gets better.

[stolen_innocence08]

Thank you everybody for your replies. Urges have gone but I did act on them. I don't know if I can tell T.

[lunatic soul]

Tell your T about it.
I had similar situation but my T knew about it, then I started to think that he cant love me because Im sick and then I tried to stop it to make him like me. Maybe it sounds horrible but it helped me and motivated me to stop it but it took long time period because I was cutting for 3-4 years and now Im not doing it anymore, sometimes I think about it but I dont let myself to do it.
Im also borderline and was really out of my mind.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by stolen_innocence08

Since starting seeing T I've got really attached and developed probably quite a big attachment to her. I havent told her of my BPD label though she is experienced and knows my issues. I fear my attachment so much and it hurts so much when I am not with her that I've resorted to self harming to take the pain away. This is a secret from her. I don't know what to do. It just ****ing hurts. I can't say 'you make me want to cut my arms to pieces because you can't love me' can I?

I read something recently that said we are wired to want proximity to important attachment figures. For those of us with serious attachment problems, seems that therapy can be a source of repeated or ongoing attachment/abandonment trauma, because of the brief sessions and the extended separation.

It's as if the T is saying I am here for you unconditionally but only during this brief window when the process allows it, and the rest of the time you are on your own. Unless the T can come up with a process to address this. Bit like getting someone hooked on drugs and then giving them a tiny little dose once a week, and then expecting them not to go completely mental the rest of the week.

Really sorry you are struggling with this. I see no issue with you saying exactly what you wrote above. Or maybe the fear is that having said that, she will bail on you?

[stolen_innocence08]

Originally Posted by BudFox

I read something recently that said we are wired to want proximity to important attachment figures. For those of us with serious attachment problems, seems that therapy can be a source of repeated or ongoing attachment/abandonment trauma, because of the brief sessions and the extended separation.

It's as if the T is saying I am here for you unconditionally but only during this brief window when the process allows it, and the rest of the time you are on your own. Unless the T can come up with a process to address this. Bit like getting someone hooked on drugs and then giving them a tiny little dose once a week, and then expecting them not to go completely mental the rest of the week.

Really sorry you are struggling with this. I see no issue with you saying exactly what you wrote above. Or maybe the fear is that having said that, she will bail on you?

Thats exactly what it's like. My BPD/attachment has truly gone ****ing mental and I NEED TO BE WITH HER all of the time just to feel okay again.

I am more than terrified she will see our sessions as not helpful/bail on me. I'd understand. I wasn't cutting for a long time before i began seeing her. I do with most attachments I have hence why I choose to have none now.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by stolen_innocence08

Thats exactly what it's like. My BPD/attachment has truly gone ****ing mental and I NEED TO BE WITH HER all of the time just to feel okay again.

I am more than terrified she will see our sessions as not helpful/bail on me. I'd understand. I wasn't cutting for a long time before i began seeing her. I do with most attachments I have hence why I choose to have none now.

I can relate to a lot of this. For me, it was my self-harming getting even worse after my ex-therapist hurt me and left after a 5+ year totally dependent and unethical relationship. It made me feel so worthless and unloveable that all I could think about was destroying myself like she did.

I'm also afraid of attaching. Because it hurts. Avoiding doesn't help though because unless you lock yourself in the house, it will happen. I think the only way is to work on it and start feeling strong enough that that NEED is at least less intense. Learn to care for yourself. And maybe spread it around a bit. I have another mother type figure with whom the anxiety and fear of her leaving isn't desperate and intense. I know she'll be there if I need her, and she was there to listen when my therapist hurt me.

Hugs, I know how bad that pain can be.