I don't think my therapist thinks my problems are real

People who haven't experienced X can still be understanding, empathetic, and helpful to those who have. And part of being understanding, empathetic, and helpful is admitting when you DON'T know.

I'm a white woman. I've been told I'll never truly understand what it's like to not be white. I don't argue. I've never felt it was my place to tell minorities how to feel about racism.

There's nothing wrong with wanting (or recommending) a T who has (likely) directly experienced X over one who never could experience X. I like my male T, but I don't talk to him about my lady bits. It's not that I think he'd be entirely unhelpful or unsympathetic, I just think it makes much more sense to talk about my bits with people who have the same sorts of bits.

I'm q black woman, and it is not my place to tell other black people how to feel about racism. Heck! It's not my place to tell anyone how to feel about racism. I can only give my experience, and you feel how you want to feel. In telling you my experienc with racism or others experiences, my father, my brothers, my beautiful black ebony son, may get you to b empathic or more so of where I am coming from.

Missunderstood321, I was hoping you would comeback to your thread. Am a little more uneasy that my candid responses shut your thread down. Possibly like your therapist, prejudice is not an easy subject for many to openly talk about.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well in your healing journey.

Regardless of the topic, I think it's invalidating for a therapist to say "I know it's real for you." Imagine a man telling a woman that when she raises the issue of being sexually harassed at work. I would want to double check with the therapist first, to make sure she wasn't just being clumsy with words, but she would have to be really convincing if that were the case (because of all people, a therapist should understand the impact of words and phrasing).

A secure upbringing can help people cope and contain a lot of intense emotions caused by ugly things in the world, but you know what? Sometimes, it's just feels good to have someone nod and say, "I hear you."

Therapist are always in a catch twenty-two when they speak, especially about what many would call sensitive matters. Never-the-less, different people may hear the same words differently. I have friends of color that will be with me experiencing the exact samething, yet they will call the actions of another racist and I will not, or vice versa. I know it is real for them, given their life story, and their defenses. Same for me.

As I said previously, I've heard the words before. I've had minority and non minority therapist say it, and a minority couples counselor say it to my ex h whose also a therapist.

I agree 100 percent if a client is hurt by a therapist words/actions then that therapist needs to apologize and try to get it right. Therapist are human and make mistakes. Sometimes more than most atm, given the nature of the relationship.

Different situation, but the same words:
I had an issue for decades of phantosmia, smelling things that were not there, all because of my mothers response to a few situations when I was a kid I did not know these smells weren't real till I talked to my last ex therapist about them. Seven years previously, I mentioned it to a good friend. She did not know what I was talking about. She couldnt smell the stink I was smelling. I chalked it off as a nice friend not wanting to offend me. On many days in therapy I arrived a mess. When I was a mess I absolutely refused to be touched by her. She did not smell what I was smelling, and never had. She did say, "I know it's real for you." (Samething as the other therapists said when it came to discussing prejudice, and my experience and ex h's experience), and we have to deal with this. I no longer smell what most others don't. This therapist also, used the same words when I spoke about prejudice I was experiencing.

ETA: My ex was livid when it was said to him. He quit couples therapy, and I quit the marriage.

I think we each get to define what is important to us without having it invalidated.

I agree 100%!

Hi, Missunderstood321, welcome to Psych Central! Has she ever said that it wasn't real -- for her, or "no, really!" real? I think rather than assume that must be what she means, you'd do better to ask her.
If you get the impression again that she's blowing off your concern(s), you might also want to point out to her that this matters enough to you, that you were considering cancelling your appointment over it.

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PS --Come to think of it, it might be worth mentioning whether you get that impression or not.