[dreamrunner]

Last weeks 1 1/2 hr,monthly session made me uneasy.I always speculate about certain things T says to me during session but Im a little paranoid about this one.
Ive been seeing T for over a year now ......in the past things Ive held stuff back from him,but that stopped 2 sessions ago.I tell him everything.I tell him that too.

I was not in good shape last session,extremely depressed and hopeless.There were also a number of events over the course of the last month that were stressful and very triggering to me.

The session felt some what of a gentle inquisition.Like he asked things like exactly HOW many pills did you take WHERE did you cut.
None of this is new yet he wanted to know Details.When I mentioned going away for a getaway by myself he seemed uncomfortable about me being alone and asked what I wanted to accomplish.
I told him I had NO intentions of killing myself.

Anyways,Ive been waiting to see a pdoc to get my meds straightened around.This will be the very first apt with pdoc.
T asked me to sign a release so pdoc has access.Then he says that I should tell pdoc about self harm,suic thoughts,depression....the gamete.
This bothers me because Im worried he might be playing devils advocate here.
Mabye Im a paranoid babbling idiot .
I just hope hes not playing good cop.Gosh Ive got issues,I wonder if trust and disclosure isnt part of this fear.

[kimmydawn]

I agree with your t. If you're going to be seeing a new p'doc, she/he should be aware of these things, I think...for your safety but also to know how to best help with meds.

Maybe t thinks you should wait to go away until the severe depression is further behind you, and not that he doesn't trust you?

My old t used to pick those times of complete disclosure and honesty to ask lots of questions too. Looking back, that was a good thing...the walls were down and he knew the best timing to really get to stuff he didn't have access to alot.

Good luck and keep us posted,

KD

[Perna]

Concern/good cop behavior is not always a bad thing by one's T even though we might resent it. Any and all feelings one feels are a good thing to discuss, you should talk to your T next time about how you felt he was playing good cop :-)

I agree you need to tell the pdoc all so he can best work with you and your T and they can work together.

[dreamrunner]

Thanks Perna and Kimmidawn for your replies.
Yes Kimmidawn I think the walls were down last session.Maybe its a good thing.Im really nervous about pdocs appointment next week.Both my daughter and brother are bipolar.I see the effects on thier lives and of those around them.]
Im so afraid of that diagnosis.I really dont know how Im going to handle that if it happens.
My brother's bipolar had him hospitilized for very long periods of time......he was sodomized there and its a scar that will be with him forever.When I visited him in the hospital I was terrified....I could only force myself to go a handful of times over the years.
Because my depression is so severe at times I know that I am a danger to myself.....however I feel like Id rather be in danger than experience in patient care.Crazy huh?