Comments on boundaries

I follow a few therapists on Tumblr (mostly young ones that are still being supervised, so this could be why this position is so firm), and with all the talk of boundaries around here lately, I thought I'd post what this once T posted. Thoughts?

That is a wonderful description of boundaries. Thank you for sharing that.

I think that applies to boundaries in other kinds of relationships too.

Dentist??? That seems clinically quite cold. I don't share my deepest feelings and most traumatic experiences with.my.dentist
I'm glad my T doesn't.think this way

OK I would never shre details of my sex life with a dentist. He's stance seems quite rigid. think regardless of whether they are trainees that this is ridiculous how are they supposed to learn how adjust boundaries later on? When they are not so supervised.
I can;t fix the italic thing.

The "air" for "err" in the last sentence bugs me - but hey that's me.

Regarding my therapist as akin to my dentist - hey that's me too. (In fact I think I've made that comparison on here.)

But I don't think every client wants to think of their therapist as akin to their dentist. I also think with some clients that would not be a good approach. To take the author's own example, no, your dentist wouldn't call to check up on your teeth. But your teeth, though they may cause you pain, do not cause you serious emotional pain that can lead to worse things. The things you see a therapist for do cause that kind of pain. I'm not saying therapists should call to check up on patients, but with that example the two professions are not even in the same ballpark.

I think they are talking the other way around. Your therapist should not be sharing info about his/her sex life with you any more than a dentist should be. This is talking about professional boundaries that therapists need to keep in their behavior toward their clients, not the other way around.

I think that's an interesting perspective. Though I think it would be weird for my dentist to ask me totally personal questions about my love life and to suggest seeing me every week. I don't really see the boundary situations as terribly similar, as my relationship with my therapist isn't based on any kind of medical model (and I would run from any therapist who looked to doctors or dentists for ideas about how to treat other human beings) but then boundaries aren't a big problem or issue in my therapy.

I do think it's probably sensible most of the time to err (or air!) on the side of conservative boundary-wise, particularly if the therapist is new and finding his or her feet.

Ha, i didn't even notice the "air" vs "err!"

Also, my dentist's office just called me last month to remind me that i haven't done my check-up (going on 4 months past due )

That is a good point. I'm sure as T's get more and more experience, they learn how to work their way around boundaries with different clients. I know SD will disagree, but I think being a T is very difficult terrain, especially if you really care about the people you are treating, which one could hope is most T's.

Personally, I couldn't deal with a therapist who treated clients the way a dentist or other doctor would. I don't care about my dentist or general doctor much at all, but my T is completely different. I see her much more often, and for longer amounts of time. And we talk about much more important things than if I have a cavity or a cold. I think if a T wants to call a client to check up on them, then that's great. And I think hugs can be super helpful too. So for me, using the most conservative boundaries all the time would be a bad idea.

Yes, actually this is one reason I wouldn't go to a new therapist - I far prefer my therapist who has been working for decades, where boundaries just don't come up as an issue because I don't have a problem with them and he's not insecure about them.

I don't think it is a hard job - but I do liken it to dentistry or optometry. I don't see the therapist as different from the dentist or optometrist. The only difference I have experienced is that the latter two are a lot more open about what they are doing and willing to explain more about possible risks and outcomes.

Good article , but therapists aren't the same as dentists. He's probably more on point with individuals comfort levels , perhaps boundaries are things that we will or will not accept or things we do or don't like.

I do remember the woman's reaction when she said she was not like a dentist and I said the only difference I saw was that the dentist made me less anxious.

Good times.

Ditto ditto.

That air err made me worry i was gonna get mooned.

Maybe that should be a question for possible No. 3's: "do you think your profession is like dentistry? Why or why not? Support your thesis with examples."

My dentist does call me after I get a crown put on.

The vet calls to see how my dog is doing.

That's pretty exceptional. What amazes me is the wide range of opinions doctors et al. have about checking up on patients after an event - no one on my surgeon's staff checked in with me after a surgery went awry, but they did after a normal, non-problematic surgery.

And the vet called several times to ask after my cat during her last weeks.

And of course therapists differ on check-in things too.

To me it just sounds like a really inexperienced person who doesn't yet have the confidence or judgment to handle nuance. When a therapist feels uncertain about a boundary issue like giving hugs, they could say "you know I will need to reflect about it and we need to talk about it" or somethinwg like that (and then actually reflect, take it to supervision or to their own therapist etc.) and get back to the client and discuss the client's perspective, not wonder "oh jeez what would my dentist do?"

In general, I don't have a lot of time for people who need a rule of thumb for everything.

I just had the unpleasant mental image of my therapist digging around in my mouth. Haha. No.

I totally agree with you. Generalizations are difficult for me because I think that there is always diversity within everything. For example, my GP gave me a hug after I had babies and a couple of other instances. Would most doctors do this? Not necessarily. I know there are probably some that cringe at even the idea. But I've been seeing him since I was a baby myself, and he's the GP for most of my extended family.

I could never see a therapist who thinks there actions or a clients actions need to be that of a dentist or doctor. You see a therapist often and talk about the deepest emotional things that you can't tell other people. They help you deal with things that are HARD. The relationship is intimate. Boundaries are important but the relationship with a therapist is like no other.

I was reading a Dostoyevsky novel recently, (The House of the Dead, published in 1862) and came across this line: "Humanity, kindness, brotherly sympathy are sometimes of more use to patients than any medicines."

I'm not sure why this blog/article writer chooses to out the medical field as being cold, dead-eyed and full of boundaries. If you have a cavity, you get it filled, no need to go back again for 6months (whatever the recommendation). If you have schizophrenia or a personality disorder or an intractable depression, a 50 minute appointment one time isn't going to "fix" it. Those patients become under your care long term. That involves communication and.. well "caring." Don't choose therapy or mental illness as your chosen care specialty if you are not committed to that, in my opinion.

The docs I work with are some of the most loving people I've met. They are (most, not all, I hate to generalize) in the field because they want to help people. The amount of infantilizing that goes on with therapists claiming to require all of these boundaries against their "weak, vulnerable, needy" patients is so absurd to me. Treat someone as a human with respect. If you are afraid of patients so much that you need to place yourself above them (not all therapists, again), then don't go into a field of care.

If the therapist doesn't want email (etc, or hugs), then say it. I don't think there is any more meaning implied, and the therapist doesn't need to then dig around somebody's feelings regarding communication via email. My doctor emails me. She asked me to email her. It's never been an issue in 5 or 6 years I've seen her. Why else would she tell me I could email her? She also gives me hugs. I don't like it or dislike it. We are just people being people.

I mean really, who do therapists think they are?

First, thank you to favoritejeans for the new bumpersticker: What would your dentist do?

Second, it seems that the tumblr therapist is making boundary decisions based on the therapist's needs, which is opposite of what I've understood therapeutic boundaries to be intended for--unless there's more to the entry that describes the thinking behind WWYDD?

Third, calling a client after a session is something that's generally not done or expected, unless maybe if a client doesn't show for a session, so choosing this as a boundary example seems useless.

Fourth, misspelling on the internet is one thing, but using air for err is plain ign'rant.