[Springer]

I get so many good comments on here I really appreciate your opinions. I need some comments on this... Recently my T disclosed to me that she was diagnosed with cancer. This of course blew my mind. She is still planning on working, just cutting back cause she isn't sure yet of her treatment. With that being said I feel as though my issues (anxiety depression) are so trivial. I feel uneasy talking about my problems when I know she is dealing with a much bigger problem. I feel as though I am being selfish. I almost feel as though I shouldn't have my issues anymore. Why should I? There are worse problems.
Anyway, comments appreciated.

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[ensconce]

This might sound rough and im really sorry but at the end of the day its her problem to deal with, even though its really heartbreaking. Just the same way we tell a therapist something they help you deal with your problem and they go home and relax. My doctor has cancer but he still takes care of all his patients too but there is nothing that we can do. Each person just has to deal with their own stuff I guess, I am sorry if I sound like a but*hole but that's just the way I think. What does everyone else think?

[atisketatasket]

I've found that comparing issues or problems never goes anywhere. People have problems that affect them, and that's all there is to it. Your anxiety and depression are severe enough that you sought therapy. They affect the quality of your life just as her cancer will hers.

I don't want to seem to be trivializing her disease, though you don't know how that will turn out - what the prognosis is, etc. But if she still wants to work with clients, she thinks your problems are important, too.

[stopdog]

I am with someone who has an advanced stage cancer. In all honesty, on the days she feels up to working - she likes doing so. She doesn't want to think about cancer all the time. Working helps her a lot.

[Partless]

I'm sorry to hear your T is going through this and also how it's affecting you.

And I think that's why therapists and doctors usually don't disclose personal illness unless it's going to interfere with their work significantly. Because they try to keep the focus on the patient.

My answer is to bring this up with your therapist.

In terms of personal experience, I have thought about something somewhat similar to this issue, but not quite: The idea of guilt about me taking the position of somebody else who has more serious problems. This was relevant because couple of my therapists had waiting lists, and these were therapists charged little, so quite a few other poverty-stricken people were on those lists. Yet whenever I would ask my therapist when I should stop seeing her, she'd say it's up to me and when I feel it's the right time. I remember I quit early with one of them, out of guilt.

My guilt, which is sometimes exacerbated by my depression, sometimes also further to think about people like my own parents who had psychological difficulties but did not have access to therapy. To people who live in countries where they can barely even see a medical doctor, let alone a therapist. Feels like a privilege and then I feel like I'm not worth it.

But taking that road, there is no end. There would always be somebody in greater suffering or need or whatever, based on some criteria. So a few times I brought this up with my later therapists.

My therapist at the time told me it's all about balance, compassion towards yourself but also others. I felt selfish about it no less, but my therapist said that I should consider that somebody who might act selfishly might actually end up getting a highly sought out job and make themselves happy and then make enough money to help others, whereas someone else who keeps letting others ahead of himself, might end up poor and on welfare and now has to be carried by others.

Though I did not quite like that example (at the time my parents were helping me financially so I felt guilty), I did appreciate how this new perspective helped me see that things are not as black and white.

Of course your reaction is probably more complex than mine, cause we're talking about the very person who is providing care towards you. Not some random stranger who might be very ill.

But it also now reminds me of when I was a kid and I had a bad day and I would come home and mom was in a real mood about something and I would feel there is no room for me to talk about my issues, that I'm not supposed to. Like the person with the biggest suffering earns that right.

What about me then? I think the very fact that you go for therapy, already says you think that maybe your problems, even if not not huge or greatest in the world, are big enough to require attention and care. And here's someone who is paid to do that. And you may take comfort in that it is quite likely that if she has pain and suffering now, she herself will see a therapist and work through it. But for you to not attend to your own issues is not the answer. Your problems do not become unimportant just because your T has big ones too.

And therapists go through problems all the time, just that they don't disclose them often. Like we have a family friend who is a therapist and I been to quite a few over the years, they get divorce, they have money problems, their kids end up doing drugs, they have medical problems, etc, and just because they don't share all that, it doesn't mean that the client's problems are ever the only thing that's on their mind. Somehow they manage and when they can't, they will take time off (or should).

But I'm rambling...sorry...

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am with someone who has an advanced stage cancer. In all honesty, on the days she feels up to working - she likes doing so. She doesn't want to think about cancer all the time. Working helps her a lot.

This has been my experience also -- with my sister and now with the teacher across the hall from me -- as much as possible, the just want some normalcy in their life. They don't want to spend every moment as a cancer patient.

[ChipperMonkey]

By your logic nobody here is allowed to have problems because only the very worst off person on the face of the planet is allowed to struggle with life.

On the same token, your therapist should suck it up because there are people worse off than her.

[gayleggg]

Maybe listening to your problems takes her mind off of hers for short period therefore helping her deal with hers better. I fought cancer and anything that takes your mind off of it is a blessing. She chooses to work so it must be helping her so don't feel guilty.

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[Bill3]

Suppose you decide not to see her anymore because your problems seem too trivial in comparison to hers.

In that event she loses personal interaction, she loses a client, and she loses income, just when she might really be able to benefit from being with you, having the distraction of her work, and having the income it provides.

I agree that a better approach would be to speak with her about how you are feeling.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree that you should talk to your T about what you're feeling.

I learned that my marriage counselor's wife has a serious illness (don't know which one) that causes her to need home health workers there with her when MC or their kids (teens) are not. I felt unsure if it was OK to ask him about it, but he said it was OK, and it helped to talk about it for a bit. He said it was "manageable" and there were much worse things they could be dealing with. He asked if I felt like because he helped me emotionally, did I feel like I needed to do the same for him (or maybe he would take away his care)? I said it wasn't so much that I felt like I *had* to, but that I *wanted* to help him, too because I cared about him and felt compassion for him. I also brought up something like what you said, where I felt like my problems must seem so minor if he's dealing with that. I forget what exactly he said, but it made me feel better. I know he loves his job, so it's probably a sort of escape for him. I also worried that he'd have to leave his job because of it (he's had to take some days off), but he said, "I still have to pay the bills!"

Also be prepared that your T may not want to discuss any details of her illness, but she should at least be willing to talk about what it could mean for you and whether it would affect her ability to focus on you. (Obviously, she probably doesn't know what course it will take, but at least what she knows now.)

I do agree with other posters that many people with serious health issues continue to work because it gives them a focus other than their own physical problems. That said, I totally get where you're coming from and I have experienced the same thing in therapy. When my first therapist retired, she referred me to her partner. I gave it the old college try but in the end I left. One of the reasons was that shortly after starting with him, his daughter died due to a drug overdose. It was a small town and the news spread like wildfire. It was his only child and I couldn't even imagine how he and his wife could deal with this terrible pain. Going to therapy and talking about my issues was difficult. Every time I looked at him, I felt bad about burdening him with my junk. We talked about it, and he told me honestly that he found work helpful and healing. But it kept getting in they way for me. I finally quit and began looking for a new therapist. I figured that it was good that he found work helpful in dealing with his grief, but I was in a place where thinking about HIS grief and pain was seriously preventing me from dealing with my own issues, purely selfish on my part, but I felt at that point in my life I needed to be centered on what I was trying to accomplish.

I hope you talk with your therapist and if you're able to work through it with her great. If you can't and you need to find a new therapist, I think that's okay too.

[CantExplain]

A PC friend had a T who was on chemotherapy. Her "chemo brain" caused her to behave oddly and she started violating boundaries. It did not end well.

[Walking Man]

You might hurt her feelings if you quit. Your T probably wants to keep living a normal life, which includes seeing you. It would be terrible if all her clients left her all of a sudden because she got cancer. Someone said something about not comparing problems. That's true. As long as she feels ok with working, it's ok.

[luvnola]

I'd just talk to her about it. And remember that being a t is her job. She does it bc she enjoys her work. My cousin had lung cancer and while she was having chemo, she continued to work as a nurse. She had plenty of patients who had non life threatening issues that brought them to the hospital, but I can assure you she never once thought any less of them or anything negative just bc she was going thru something more serious.