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  #26  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 02:06 PM
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1stepatatime 1stepatatime is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Sorry. You're right, i dont know you. I was probably answering more in the spirit of what i would have to do / did do / change of mindset i needed to respond to the t's message. More of an exercise class lets loosen up, not youre uptight you need to loosen up. I am really sorry if thats how it came across. That was not my intent at all, nor my understanding of you.

Re 2or3things - hi! Yes, the mother not letting us love them. Boy would i love an answer why to that. Or maybe not. But its a weird kind of rejection. Its not like an SO saying "i dont love you" - its someone saying, "i dont want your love - go give it to someone else" - but they ARE in the lineup and they dont designate another hitter. Or give you up for adoption. They just stand in your way.
Thanks for that .. I appreciate it!
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  #27  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 04:50 PM
yagr yagr is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Sorry. You're right, i dont know you.
Imagine how beautiful the world would be if everyone knew how to say these words. You rock, unaluna. For what it's worth, I didn't agree with your post, but it didn't offend me in any way either. I love that you're part of psych central - it is a better place because of you.
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1stepatatime, atisketatasket, precaryous, rainbow8, unaluna
  #28  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 05:56 PM
missbella missbella is offline
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My response to your post is reflected in your title. I vaguely recall a therapist blogger or two who thinks the patient needs to fall in love or therapist or everybody or the transference must larger than life for therapy to work. I'd be curious if she's under the spell of some book, school or theory.
Thanks for this!
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  #29  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 11:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom View Post
If you trust her, respect her competency, and know that you are resistant and that keeping all this emotion pent up is painful to you (it seems you have already recognized that you have maternal transference feelings), then I would go for it. That said, I think her phrasing was awful, and I don't know that it's ever a good idea for a T to directly encourage a transference. I think it should be supported and very carefully handled, but the research suggests it be nade explicit only after the developmental tasks it enables have been experienced.

I think its FAR more advantageous to have a client learn to accept the fact that a parent, etc did not love them in the way they needed to be loved. "Love" from a therapist will NEVER come within a million miles of being comparable to parental love. Ever. Its ludicrous to even suggest the notion.

Accepting the loss and also filling the void are not incompatible. You're right that love from a T will never be comparable to parental love, but it can fill in the developmental gap that the absence of such love created. But it takes a very skilled T to do so, and wouldn't be applicable to all clients. There is a sizeable body of research which explains how this can be accomplished. It very much worked for me.
Thank you for your response... I've been trying to get on here throughout the day but work commanded my time! I agree, in whatever capacity a therapist can love us it still can not fill the void of what should have been from our parents but it's like a bridge, it's a link to feeling the deep pain that I've numbed for far too many years, and I still have not experienced that pain. But it is my hope that when I do I will come to a place of acceptance of what it was, with the help of my therapist. Thanks again : )
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"I wish you would step back from
that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in"
Thanks for this!
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  #30  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 11:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad View Post
Thank you for articulating what I wanted to say BayBrony. I was the recipient of that kind of love from a therapist, and I have been able to soar Ito new heights.

To the OP: it was certainly different how your therapist said it, but please don't deny yourself the opportunity to have the unmet needs met. Trust was difficult for me to give, and PC had me second guessing my therapist every word, yet she was able to work with my resistance, and prove to me her methods would launch me forward. It did, and I am grateful.
Thank you,.. I'm working hard at being okay with vulnerability, that doesn't come easy for me.. But I trust my therapist.im trying to go with it, slowly
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"I wish you would step back from
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  #31  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 11:29 PM
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1stepatatime 1stepatatime is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad View Post
For me, unaluna's statement was a funny lighthearted way to say, "don't be afraid. You can do this." I also took it to mean in general we can try things we might be apprehensive about. No malice intended. Many times I appreciate her way of stating things. This is imo only.
Sure, I get it and I'm not angry. I was thrown off by the "loosen up" remark... It just didn't feel very good because some of us may be more uptight compared to others , that can be a struggle. It's a part of my work. But thank you : )
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"I wish you would step back from
that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in"
  #32  
Old Jan 07, 2016, 11:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2or3things View Post
BayBrony's reply rocks. I just wanted to add my thoughts, in case they're of help.

1step, from my point of view what your T said sounds like an absolute gift. Maybe it wasn't the most eloquent way of putting it given your relationship at present, but I really think it was excellent nonetheless. Here's why...

I think we're a lot alike in the way we hold things in / won't just let go. For me--and maybe for you?--that's always been about feeling like I need to maintain control and avoid rejection. (Thanks Mom! That's where it started.) Anyway, so I've tried to control the process with T as much as possible, which doesn't really work, of course. My T has been as patient as anyone could be, but she also hasn't just let me run the show.

I only recently realized (after 6 1/2 years with T) that my desire to be able to love my mom without being rejected was an issue that was getting played out in therapy. I finally figured it out one day during a heavy moment in T where I started babbling about how I wanted to be able to love my mom but she wouldn't allow it. At the end of it all I said "And what I want to know is if it's OK to love you (T)."

She responded beautifully (and not at all creepily). Among other things she said she was genuinely pleased that I could allow myself to feel that sort of connection with her.

It felt like a total gift, especially because of my controlling issues. I mean, I had to be brave enough to ask, but she basically let me know that it was going to be OK if I had loving feelings toward her...that she wouldn't reject me for it. And that's what I mean about it being a gift for you when T told you she wanted you to fall in love with her. Maybe it's her way of saying that it's OK for you to have the deep feelings toward her that will allow you to open up more easily. She's not going to reject you for it.

For me, since that moment therapy has gotten better / the pace has picked up. I feel less desperate to control things, even though there's still a lot of grieving she and I both know I need to do. And I'm so grateful to her for it. There are, of course, no guarantees. If I got crazy needy, maybe she'd have to back off for example. But for now I finally trust her enough that I feel like I can give up a little control and talk more.

Wishing you peace. And while lots of people have given lots of good reasons to be cautious, I still say jump in. For me it's been SO worth it!
Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive response. I have to agree that we do sound alike in our therapy. I've been working with my therapist for three years exactly and I'm just now starting to loosen up, let her know when I'm angry, talk about stuff that used to make me squirm all around. It's taken me a long time and I still have a long way to go but I think you are right... My therapist is offering me a gift, Im trying to accept . Thanks again !
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"I wish you would step back from
that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in"
Thanks for this!
2or3things
  #33  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 12:17 AM
Anonymous200620
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I haven't read all of the replies, but are you effing kidding me?? FALL IN LOVE? I understand therapists who expect and rely on attachment and transference, but to fall in love? My gosh...her choice of words here was REALLY WRONG IMO.

Actually, I think it would be a good post on here to talk about attachment/transference in therapy. I know a lot of therapists suggest this should happen in the proper course of therapy. But I also know there are some therapists who would actually consider attachment/transference to equal dependence, and would be shut off by it.

Honestly, if my therapist had suggested I need to fall in love with her, I would have really started spouting my mouth.
Thanks for this!
PinkFlamingo99
  #34  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 12:18 AM
Suraya Suraya is offline
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While I think I understand what your T is trying to convey (I hope), she should have had enough education, training and experience to not use a phrase like 'fall in love' with her. Bad word choice.

Quote:
Falling in love with someone that you have to pay to spend time with you seems like a really, really bad idea to me.
Exactly - makes me think of paying for a prostitute and then thinking you're in love.

I think it is definitely something you should talk with her about, even if it's just to clarify the semantics and what was really meant.
Thanks for this!
PinkFlamingo99, yagr
  #35  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 01:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Suraya View Post
While I think I understand what your T is trying to convey (I hope), she should have had enough education, training and experience to not use a phrase like 'fall in love' with her. Bad word choice.


Exactly - makes me think of paying for a prostitute and then thinking you're in love.

I think it is definitely something you should talk with her about, even if it's just to clarify the semantics and what was really meant.
We did talk , at length. I tend to agree that using the term "falling in love" was not the best choice because it left me confused and concerned. I think she'll be a bit more cautious about saying that in the future. Her intentions are good. She is trying to help me access the deeply rooted pain that I am containing from many years ago. My personal relationships have suffered in varying degrees as a result. She knows trust is very hard for me. I can understand how this would be a red flag for some people . It's really hard to describe thru words, it's just an experience that I'm going thru during this therapeutic journey.
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that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
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  #36  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 01:57 PM
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DelusionsDaily DelusionsDaily is offline
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Personally any therapist that told me I needed to fall in love with them would not be my T any longer. I think suggesting that is unethical in itself. What does she intend to "use"(for lack of a better word) those feelings for? What good does falling in love with a T do for therapy? I would want the reasoning behind the insistence. Besides you cant force falling in love with someone.

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Thanks for this!
PinkFlamingo99
  #37  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 10:01 PM
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Bipolar Warrior Bipolar Warrior is offline
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The fact that so many people have such strong negative reactions to the therapist's use of the phrase "fall in love" in this case is really baffling to me. Personally, I would want to clarify what my therapist meant by saying that, but I wouldn't "run for the hills" or whatever.

It sounds like your therapist just wants you to "fall in love" with the therapeutic relationship and to fully trust her. There doesn't seem to be anything unethical about her approach, at least not in my opinion. Trust and intimacy can be very scary, and I have found it very hard to accept the love I have for my therapist, but I want to be able to do it. It was, however, made even scarier when she told me that she actually loves me as well (she even said it before I did). I want to resist it, but she keeps letting me know that she really wants me to let her in, and allow her to break down my walls. Deep down I know that I really need to let her, particularly because it scares me. It's like she says: the fact that I don't know how to deal with it suggests that I really need it.

I feel it would be wrong to judge someone's therapeutic journey and relationship with their therapist when it seems like the person themselves actually finds the therapist helpful, and it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are building a healthy relationship with her. Love is a healthy feeling, even if it can be scary and painful sometimes, and if you feel like you can allow yourself to "fall in love" with this therapist somewhere down the line and potentially benefit from that, there is nothing wrong or unethical about that! You will get there when you feel ready, and it will happen naturally if/when it happens.
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And you can never hurt me again
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  #38  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 10:05 PM
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BayBrony BayBrony is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior View Post
The fact that so many people have such strong negative reactions to the therapist's use of the phrase "fall in love" in this case is really baffling to me. Personally, I would want to clarify what my therapist meant by saying that, but I wouldn't "run for the hills" or whatever.

It sounds like your therapist just wants you to "fall in love" with the therapeutic relationship and to fully trust her. There doesn't seem to be anything unethical about her approach, at least not in my opinion. Trust and intimacy can be very scary, and I have found it very hard to accept the love I have for my therapist, but I want to be able to do it. It was, however, made even scarier when she told me that she actually loves me as well (she even said it before I did). I want to resist it, but she keeps letting me know that she really wants me to let her in, and allow her to break down my walls. Deep down I know that I really need to let her, particularly because it scares me. It's like she says: the fact that I don't know how to deal with it suggests that I really need it.

I feel it would be wrong to judge someone's therapeutic journey and relationship with their therapist when it seems like the person themselves actually finds the therapist helpful, and it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are building a healthy relationship with her. Love is a healthy feeling, even if it can be scary and painful sometimes, and if you feel like you can allow yourself to "fall in love" with this therapist somewhere down the line and potentially benefit from that, there is nothing wrong or unethical about that! You will get there when you feel ready, and it will happen naturally if/when it happens.

I interpreted it the way I interpret it when my yoga teacher says to "fall in love with yoga" or "fall in love with the divine presence'...obviously she does not mean abandon everything else in obsessive pursuit of yoga. She just means free yourself to really take in the experience and all its goodness without fighting it.

My T and I spent half pur session today discussing this thread....
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1stepatatime, Bipolar Warrior, feralkittymom, newday2020
  #39  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 11:39 PM
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1stepatatime 1stepatatime is offline
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Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior View Post
The fact that so many people have such strong negative reactions to the therapist's use of the phrase "fall in love" in this case is really baffling to me. Personally, I would want to clarify what my therapist meant by saying that, but I wouldn't "run for the hills" or whatever.

It sounds like your therapist just wants you to "fall in love" with the therapeutic relationship and to fully trust her. There doesn't seem to be anything unethical about her approach, at least not in my opinion. Trust and intimacy can be very scary, and I have found it very hard to accept the love I have for my therapist, but I want to be able to do it. It was, however, made even scarier when she told me that she actually loves me as well (she even said it before I did). I want to resist it, but she keeps letting me know that she really wants me to let her in, and allow her to break down my walls. Deep down I know that I really need to let her, particularly because it scares me. It's like she says: the fact that I don't know how to deal with it suggests that I really need it.

I feel it would be wrong to judge someone's therapeutic journey and relationship with their therapist when it seems like the person themselves actually finds the therapist helpful, and it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are building a healthy relationship with her. Love is a healthy feeling, even if it can be scary and painful sometimes, and if you feel like you can allow yourself to "fall in love" with this therapist somewhere down the line and potentially benefit from that, there is nothing wrong or unethical about that! You will get there when you feel ready, and it will happen naturally if/when it happens.
I'm almost at a loss for words ... You wrote beautifully, thank YOU so much for helping me to see that something that is pure and safe can be obtainable, when I'm ready to accept it (as you said) 😊😊😇
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"I wish you would step back from
that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in"
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Thanks for this!
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  #40  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 11:52 PM
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AllHeart AllHeart is offline
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Love for my t has proven to be a major game changer for me. It's opened me up, brought about a deeper connection with my t, and true healing has finally taken place (just to name a few of the rewards). So yes, love can work. Wishing you well with whatever road you take!
Thanks for this!
1stepatatime, Bipolar Warrior
  #41  
Old Jan 08, 2016, 11:58 PM
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DelusionsDaily DelusionsDaily is offline
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Sorry if I came across as judgmental not my intent. Just what I would do if a T told me to do that. The question was honest confusion at the point of such a thing. If that is something the OP wants more power to them. Again my apologies...I didnt think that would come across as judgmental...not my intent at all.

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1stepatatime, PinkFlamingo99
  #42  
Old Jan 09, 2016, 12:12 AM
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1stepatatime 1stepatatime is offline
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Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily View Post
Sorry if I came across as judgmental not my intent. Just what I would do if a T told me to do that. The question was honest confusion at the point of such a thing. If that is something the OP wants more power to them. Again my apologies...I didnt think that would come across as judgmental...not my intent at all.

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No offense taken, everyone feels differently about therapy and the wide variety of approaches. I'm grateful for this thread... When I originally posted I was sort of freaked out by what my Therapist said! But after reading SO many opinions and all of the insight I realized that I have nothing to fear. My therapist is ethical and holds the boundaries. Someone had responded in a reply that I should be out there building "real" relationships not "fake" ones. My therapist has openly said in her blog that she does not fake feelings and I believe her. What I'm saying is although I pay her for her services and we do not socialize she does not pretend anything. She is authentic. Thank you for your post!!😊
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"I wish you would step back from
that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in"
Thanks for this!
DelusionsDaily
  #43  
Old Jan 09, 2016, 12:17 AM
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I wish you the best and that you get what you need from therapy.

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1stepatatime
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