Oh boy ....

Sorry. You're right, i dont know you. I was probably answering more in the spirit of what i would have to do / did do / change of mindset i needed to respond to the t's message. More of an exercise class lets loosen up, not youre uptight you need to loosen up. I am really sorry if thats how it came across. That was not my intent at all, nor my understanding of you.

Re 2or3things - hi! Yes, the mother not letting us love them. Boy would i love an answer why to that. Or maybe not. But its a weird kind of rejection. Its not like an SO saying "i dont love you" - its someone saying, "i dont want your love - go give it to someone else" - but they ARE in the lineup and they dont designate another hitter. Or give you up for adoption. They just stand in your way.

Sorry. You're right, i dont know you.

If you trust her, respect her competency, and know that you are resistant and that keeping all this emotion pent up is painful to you (it seems you have already recognized that you have maternal transference feelings), then I would go for it. That said, I think her phrasing was awful, and I don't know that it's ever a good idea for a T to directly encourage a transference. I think it should be supported and very carefully handled, but the research suggests it be nade explicit only after the developmental tasks it enables have been experienced.

I think its FAR more advantageous to have a client learn to accept the fact that a parent, etc did not love them in the way they needed to be loved. "Love" from a therapist will NEVER come within a million miles of being comparable to parental love. Ever. Its ludicrous to even suggest the notion.

Accepting the loss and also filling the void are not incompatible. You're right that love from a T will never be comparable to parental love, but it can fill in the developmental gap that the absence of such love created. But it takes a very skilled T to do so, and wouldn't be applicable to all clients. There is a sizeable body of research which explains how this can be accomplished. It very much worked for me.

Thank you for articulating what I wanted to say BayBrony. I was the recipient of that kind of love from a therapist, and I have been able to soar Ito new heights.

To the OP: it was certainly different how your therapist said it, but please don't deny yourself the opportunity to have the unmet needs met. Trust was difficult for me to give, and PC had me second guessing my therapist every word, yet she was able to work with my resistance, and prove to me her methods would launch me forward. It did, and I am grateful.

For me, unaluna's statement was a funny lighthearted way to say, "don't be afraid. You can do this." I also took it to mean in general we can try things we might be apprehensive about. No malice intended. Many times I appreciate her way of stating things. This is imo only.

BayBrony's reply rocks. I just wanted to add my thoughts, in case they're of help.

1step, from my point of view what your T said sounds like an absolute gift. Maybe it wasn't the most eloquent way of putting it given your relationship at present, but I really think it was excellent nonetheless. Here's why...

I think we're a lot alike in the way we hold things in / won't just let go. For me--and maybe for you?--that's always been about feeling like I need to maintain control and avoid rejection. (Thanks Mom! That's where it started.) Anyway, so I've tried to control the process with T as much as possible, which doesn't really work, of course. My T has been as patient as anyone could be, but she also hasn't just let me run the show.

I only recently realized (after 6 1/2 years with T) that my desire to be able to love my mom without being rejected was an issue that was getting played out in therapy. I finally figured it out one day during a heavy moment in T where I started babbling about how I wanted to be able to love my mom but she wouldn't allow it. At the end of it all I said "And what I want to know is if it's OK to love you (T)."

She responded beautifully (and not at all creepily). Among other things she said she was genuinely pleased that I could allow myself to feel that sort of connection with her.

It felt like a total gift, especially because of my controlling issues. I mean, I had to be brave enough to ask, but she basically let me know that it was going to be OK if I had loving feelings toward her...that she wouldn't reject me for it. And that's what I mean about it being a gift for you when T told you she wanted you to fall in love with her. Maybe it's her way of saying that it's OK for you to have the deep feelings toward her that will allow you to open up more easily. She's not going to reject you for it.

For me, since that moment therapy has gotten better / the pace has picked up. I feel less desperate to control things, even though there's still a lot of grieving she and I both know I need to do. And I'm so grateful to her for it. There are, of course, no guarantees. If I got crazy needy, maybe she'd have to back off for example. But for now I finally trust her enough that I feel like I can give up a little control and talk more.

Wishing you peace. And while lots of people have given lots of good reasons to be cautious, I still say jump in. For me it's been SO worth it!

While I think I understand what your T is trying to convey (I hope), she should have had enough education, training and experience to not use a phrase like 'fall in love' with her. Bad word choice.


Exactly - makes me think of paying for a prostitute and then thinking you're in love.

I think it is definitely something you should talk with her about, even if it's just to clarify the semantics and what was really meant.

The fact that so many people have such strong negative reactions to the therapist's use of the phrase "fall in love" in this case is really baffling to me. Personally, I would want to clarify what my therapist meant by saying that, but I wouldn't "run for the hills" or whatever.

It sounds like your therapist just wants you to "fall in love" with the therapeutic relationship and to fully trust her. There doesn't seem to be anything unethical about her approach, at least not in my opinion. Trust and intimacy can be very scary, and I have found it very hard to accept the love I have for my therapist, but I want to be able to do it. It was, however, made even scarier when she told me that she actually loves me as well (she even said it before I did). I want to resist it, but she keeps letting me know that she really wants me to let her in, and allow her to break down my walls. Deep down I know that I really need to let her, particularly because it scares me. It's like she says: the fact that I don't know how to deal with it suggests that I really need it.

I feel it would be wrong to judge someone's therapeutic journey and relationship with their therapist when it seems like the person themselves actually finds the therapist helpful, and it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are building a healthy relationship with her. Love is a healthy feeling, even if it can be scary and painful sometimes, and if you feel like you can allow yourself to "fall in love" with this therapist somewhere down the line and potentially benefit from that, there is nothing wrong or unethical about that! You will get there when you feel ready, and it will happen naturally if/when it happens.

The fact that so many people have such strong negative reactions to the therapist's use of the phrase "fall in love" in this case is really baffling to me. Personally, I would want to clarify what my therapist meant by saying that, but I wouldn't "run for the hills" or whatever.

It sounds like your therapist just wants you to "fall in love" with the therapeutic relationship and to fully trust her. There doesn't seem to be anything unethical about her approach, at least not in my opinion. Trust and intimacy can be very scary, and I have found it very hard to accept the love I have for my therapist, but I want to be able to do it. It was, however, made even scarier when she told me that she actually loves me as well (she even said it before I did). I want to resist it, but she keeps letting me know that she really wants me to let her in, and allow her to break down my walls. Deep down I know that I really need to let her, particularly because it scares me. It's like she says: the fact that I don't know how to deal with it suggests that I really need it.

I feel it would be wrong to judge someone's therapeutic journey and relationship with their therapist when it seems like the person themselves actually finds the therapist helpful, and it sounds like you do. It sounds like you are building a healthy relationship with her. Love is a healthy feeling, even if it can be scary and painful sometimes, and if you feel like you can allow yourself to "fall in love" with this therapist somewhere down the line and potentially benefit from that, there is nothing wrong or unethical about that! You will get there when you feel ready, and it will happen naturally if/when it happens.

Sorry if I came across as judgmental not my intent. Just what I would do if a T told me to do that. The question was honest confusion at the point of such a thing. If that is something the OP wants more power to them. Again my apologies...I didnt think that would come across as judgmental...not my intent at all.

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