maternal counter transference

How do you know if your T is having Maternal counter transference, what the signs, and how do they normally 'feel' when this happens?

I think it would be very difficult to tell. The only reason a therapist might be able to tell when the patient is having transference, is because they go by not only nonverbal clues in session but documents they have on the patient and what the patient has actually told them and so forth.

I think all therapists have countertransference of one sort or another at some point, but the good ones will go home and figure it out and try to stop it before it interferes with therapy in a big way.

Sometimes I wonder about t. There have been a couple of times that she has said something like "I know I am acting like a mom". The last time it happened I had an arm injury and was in a lot of pain. She asked if I wanted ice our a pillow our anything else. I told her no I was okay. That was when she said something about being a mother. Not sure odd it were because of maternal transference or just a statement.

I told my T when I knew I was in transference, then several sessions later, we were talking about something that T had a strong reaction to...she said she maybe needed to think about her countertransference. We've been open with one another about transference/countertransference issues, which makes it much easier to deal with in therapy.

No. 1 several times called herself my Jewish mother. I did not think that meant she had any maternal counter-transference, just that every time she said it she was being over-solicitous (well, by my standards anyway - possibly not by other people's). Every instance had to do with my health crisis this fall.

My T has a couple times said she realizes she's acting like she's my mom (she's my mom's age actually). But really the times I've felt possible countertransference have been when she's teared up at a couple things I've told her and seemed genuinely sad about them. She didn't seem like that during my first few years with her, just in the past year.

With my marriage counselor, I've gotten a sense of paternal countertransference a few times, particularly when he's used a story from his now-teenage daughter to relate to something going on with me. Like he talked about how when she was younger, she'd want him to come get her from a sporting activity because she was anxious. But he said he couldn't come get her and reassure her, because she needed to learn she could handle it herself. And he was comparing that to me needing/wanting reassurance from him (like that he wouldn't push me away/abandon me, etc.). At that point, I was imagining "transference" and "countertransference" neon signs lighting up over our heads!

Oh, boy! My uni therapist makes me wonder sometimes. I have several examples.

There are those little signs, like asking me if I'm eating, and what I'm eating, because she knows I struggle with vitamin deficiencies and that I often skip meals because I don't feel like eating anything. She also worries about my unhealthy sleep cycle.

She's always saying how worried she is about me, at one point even going so far as to say that she would like to follow me around all day with her arms around me so she could keep me safe. Several times she will tell me that she doesn't want to let me leave her office after a session because she's worried.

She has said, more than once, that she would be so proud of me if she was my mother. She also often draws comparisons between me and her own children, like saying she just wants her children to be happy regardless of the hopes she has for them, and that the same thing applies to me.

In today's session she said that she's never once felt annoyed at me or been cross with me. I told her I didn't think she'd actually tell me if she had felt annoyed in the past, and she said that she definitely would have, but that she just never has with me. Then she said something like, "But you know, I've been cross with my own daughter many times, so what does that tell you?" to which I laughed and responded, "Well, that's different. My parents are cross with me all the time." She then said, "I don't think they see what I see." She claims she feels frustrated with me sometimes, because she can't get through to me and make me see how precious I am, but she says she's never annoyed and that she would tell me if she was.

Then there are the more striking examples, like that time she told me she wanted me to sit in her lap and be her girl. Or that time she was so overwhelmed with pride because of this very small thing I did that she got really emotional about it and had to fight back tears.

She is always showering me with kindness and compassion and saying really nice things to me, and she calls me "sweetheart" and says she's so glad she gets to work with me and that she wants to keep doing that for a very long time. I feel very undeserving of such treatment, which she knows, and one time she stopped abruptly and said, "I'm sorry, I know I'm OTT!" When I asked her who had told her that, she seemed amused and replied, "Well, my children."

At some point she started saying that she really wanted to hug me, and when we finally did, which was just a few weeks ago, I heard her say "I love you" really softly when her arms were wrapped around me. Everything felt very real for a second just then.

But is it countertransference, or is it just love?

Please take good care of yourself. Your therapist sounds lovely, but there are so many stories on here of therapists behaving in a similar way, and even though very unintentional, end up hurting clients in the end.

Your therapist sounds absolutely wonderful, you're very lucky.

Oh, I know, and that really scares me. I've tried really hard to push her away because of it, but she just won't let me. She also said that she would love to stay in touch with me after I leave university, and that she is still in touch with her own therapist who she hasn't seen in four years.

I'm a horrible cynic, and hesitate to believe, even now, that she actually really means everything she says. I try to remind myself as often as I can that it really is a professional relationship, even if she tells me that she thinks it's more than that at this point. She's always saying that she doesn't want to hurt me, and I believe her; I don't think she'll ever change her boundaries abruptly or anything like that, so what worries me the most is knowing I'll have to stop seeing her some day. I have told her that I'll never be ready for that, and she said she won't suddenly stop existing just because I graduate.

I do feel very fortunate to have her in my life, but I'm also scared by how much she means to me. I really love her, and that seems wrong. I told her that in an email recently, and she replied saying that I'm scared because I'm opening myself up to something new, and that the wrongness is a sign that I'm doing something different. She also said that what matters is that we are committed to each other and that we can be open and honest about our feelings. I really appreciate that. She is very sweet, and I'm trying to get used to her kind and compassionate ways because it seems more emotionally healthy than being so closed off to it.

It depends if that's what we take with us into the room. Transference is a tool. T's use it for information on what is going on for the client.
A skilled T will have all their needs /roles fulfilled in their personal life so they do not need clients to act of their desires.
Tally up your T about what she thinks you bring g to the session.

Sounds like shes pouring too much gravy on your mashed potatoes. I dont know if its countertransference or what, but it sounds like too much. Sometimes my t gives me too much and im like what is this? What do you mean by this? I got too much craziness from my family growing up (and beyond), but even too much of a good thing can be confusing.

I had a T that was like that when I was a teen. She was nice and said she loved me but sometimes it became a little too much.

My T said something that really stuck with me. "You are afraid to let me love you because your childhood left you with a f@#$df up definition of "love". Love isn't possessive, abusive, cold, cruel or limited. There is always enough of it, and as you receive you get filled up with it. "

I realized a lot of my fear was based on my childhood experiences where what my mom called "love" was mostly abuse. .

I don't know if that applies for you. I'm not a big believer in transference/counter transference and neither is my T. She says they are just feelings. Some people and situations will always provoke strong feelings in you. My T rarely acts motherly because she knows I would not like it. But she certainly acts loving, and she certainly loves me deeply, and shows that in what she says and does.

For me, it was never too much as I look back. I was just afraid to take all of it, because I didn't feel I deserved it, and more importantly, what if she took it away. Many times I wanted nothing to do with what she was offering, even though most every cell in my body craved what she was offering.

My old t I think had this type of countertransference. I am adopted and felt very disconnected from my adoptive parents. She provided me with the type of relationship that I always wanted from my parents (biological and adoptive alike). She was plenty old enough to be my mother. Her daughter had graduated from my high school a few years before me (I never knew her) and I think that I reminded her of her daughter in many ways. Towards the end of our time together, she admitted that there were times where the lines got blurry and it had been hard to see it while it was happening. However, she and I had a very close connection right off the bat. I believe that even without the counter-transference (if that was what it was), we would still have been very close.

I was never abused, just misunderstood, but it did leave me feeling unloved and unwanted a lot of the time. My uni therapist keeps talking about that same thing, that I wasn't "filled up" by my parents. She said very early on that she wants to be a source of "unconditional love" for me because it doesn't seem like I've had that from anyone when I was growing up. I do think, though, that my mother gave me her version of it. She gave what she was capable of at the time, with two other children in addition to my troubled self. It cannot have been easy to raise a child with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and I know she frequently felt like she was doing everything wrong with me. She has told me more recently that she feels as if she has failed me, which was hard to hear for several reasons, but mainly because it strengthens my belief of being a failure. My parents have never told me that they are proud of me. My therapist has told me I should be proud of myself, and that she is, several times. It means a lot to me.

I know my mum loves me, she just didn't know how to show it, and it seems like she still finds it difficult, but she has had her own struggles in life. Her childhood was of the sort that would make anyone want to shut down emotionally in order to protect themselves, and she has carried that with her into her role as a parent. There is no malice in it, just emotional distance, and especially from me because I was so problematic. I was always yelled at, and punished for being bad. I was told that I was lazy and useless, or horrible, depending on where I was on the mood scale. I received very little compassion, because no one understood that I was ill. Even now they are not particularly understanding, despite the fact that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. So when my therapist shows me love, compassion and understanding, that means the world to me, countertransference or not. I need it. I remain sceptical, but that's just the cynic in me, and I guess that's what my therapist hopes to get rid of somewhere down the line. She's trying to build me up the way a mother would, or should, build up her child so they can grow and finally be able to support themselves emotionally.

I have thought about it a lot, though, and I believe my therapist is just maternal to the core. She has so much love to give, and when she sees someone who needs it I don't think she can help herself. And her love HAS been unconditional so far. She's always telling me that she knows I show up every week taking a risk that she won't hurt me, and she says she doesn't want to do that, or let me down in any way. I desperately want to believe that she's not going to.

That's how I feel, too; like I don't deserve it, and worry that she's going to take it away at some point. I feel like she's offering me something that isn't mine, and taking it feels wrong and awful, and terrifying, but I really, really want it. It scares me how much I want it; how much I need it. I have started to pine for real affection, and then I drive myself batty thinking that she's faking it, even if there is no good reason why she would, and she has told me several times that she isn't. It physically hurts to think that she would take it away if I finally allowed myself to fully accept it.