My T is pregnant. Again.

Chummy, when do you see your T again? I am glad you are taking my suggestion and writing things down to share with her. I really believe that therapists can help the best when they know exactly what is going on.

I'm seeing her tomorrow morning. I'm a bit nervous about talking about this.

Would you like a pocket rider?

I could use that. I'm so anxious about her reaction. I know she usually reacts like a good T. But this is about her. And I've also some anger toward her. I've never been angry with her. I maybe don't agree with everything she said and I don't like it when she's a little bit late. Two weeks ago she was late, she let the client before me stay to over 5 minutes after my time, because it was an intake and you can never know how long those wil take. I was a little bit angry at her, but mostly angry on that client. But now I'm sad, anxious, angry, disappointed and maybe some more things.

Update:

My session was today. It went alright. I had written down some feelings and thoughts. We didn't had enough time for all of it. So she hasn't heard my angry thoughts, I'm most anxious about sharing those. She did understand why it hard for me. She already thought I would be having a hard time with this. She also said that those months will fly by (I don't agree with that. Maybe for her it will, but not for me).
She also thinks that having a different T for a few months would be good for me. Then I can experience that she's not the only right T for me (I doubt I'll like any new T. Previous T's didn't understoof my anxiety and always gave the same useless advice.) and that I'll maybe get less dependent on her.

She said that if I want to talk more about this, I can bring it up in sessions.

I think I'll need to talk some more. I also need to speak out my all my anxious thoughts and my angry thoughts. I still feel some anger. Mostly anxiety and sadness, but also some anger. And that anger can be destructive for me, I can do bad things when I'm angry. Like just quit therapy all together, never let her hear from me again. I know that wouldn't be good for me, but sometimes I just don't care. I don't really care about me.

I am really proud of you for writing down your feelings and sharing them with her. Its ok that you didn't get everything out right now. You should be so proud of yourself. I hope your next session goes well and you can get out the angry thoughts. I have learned that its healthy to express anger in therapy as long as you are not expressing it in a hurtful way to your T.

I agree that it's great you were able to express your thoughts to her. I think it would help you to share the angry thoughts, too--she already thought you'd be struggling with it, so she probably wouldn't be surprised that you're angry, too. When I was angry (and hurt) at my marriage counselor about a misunderstanding, I found that expressing those feelings to him helped me get through it and also helped me figure out some stuff about myself. It can help to examine the emotions, why you're having them, and what, if anything, in your past (or present) makes it especially difficult for you. It definitely helped me, though it was really painful for a few weeks there. So just talk about it.

Thank you. I'm seeing her tomorrow morning. I'm a bit nervous about sharing my angry thoughts, because there's anger towards her and I've never really had that. But all this stuff has been in my head the whole week. It's one of the issues that's bothering me the most at the moment.

I didn't talk about it today. When I sat there, I became a bit teary eyed. I felt sad and low and tired. I was afraid to bring it up. We started talking about how I feel and what I did this week. And then we started talking about other things. And then the time was up. It wasn't a wasted session, we talked about other things that are kind of important.

But when I left I was so mad at myself and also at T. I was mad at myself because I didn't brought it up while it's been bothering me the past two weeks. And angry at T because she's going to leave me for some months (I don't know exactly how long).

And also she asked about my exams in May. I'm afraid I will fail and I've dropped out of them before. I hate that she asked about it and how I'm going to make sure that I won't skip them this time, while she will be away during that time. I will be some hard weeks and the weeks leading up to it will probably also be hard. Nerves, anxiety and such. And she isn't there to support/help me. So I'll probably have a temporarily T during the time she's absent. How can a new T be of any help to me. That new T won't know anything about me. She might know the big lines, but she can't be filled in on everything. How can I trust a new T in such a short time. I took a long time until I was able to tell this T all this difficult stuff. And even now I still don't find it easy to talk about her. How am I going to do that with a new, temporarily T?

I had wrote most of my thoughts about this situation with T on paper. We are working on replacing my automatic and negative/not-helping thought with functional/helpfull thoughts. But it's hard. I've tried but I haven't done everything. And I also don't believe those functional thoughts. I would need some help from her. I really should talk about this. Otherwise I keep worrying about it. Now I've to wait another week.

Also, during this session I almost make no eye-contact. I only looked at her face a few times and those were really short. Most of the session I looked at the floor or at the table or my shoes. It was too hard to look at her.

Chummy, can you email between sessions and tell her how you feel? Then she can bring it up next session?

Is there any way you could start seeing whoever the temporary therapist will be now while still seeing the regular therapist? Maybe not every week, but at least a few meetings?

That way the temporary one might have a better idea of you and how she can help you before exam-time crunch comes.

I can email her, but she won't read her email until Tuesay. I think I'll wait till next session and if I chicken out again, then I'll try an email.

When my T told me she was p, she told me what options I had with therapy and that I should think about it. She also mentioned that I could already have some sessions with the new T while she's still at work. So that's an option. I'm still not sure what I want. I think I mentioned that the week after she told me. And she said that I don't need to know it right now and that I've still got over two months to think about it. But I would like to know it as soon as possible. Now I'm in so much stress and anxiety about what I'm going to have to do.

At the place she works there are about 7 other T's. Their photo and bio are one the website. I've looked at it and I don't see someone who I would like to see. I've also looked at other T's who are near my city, but the same, no T really speaks to me. I'm just afraid to make to wrong choice. I've had bad T's before my current T. And I'm so scared to get another T who doesn't understand me and doesn't know what she/he does. That's why I went back to this T when I needed therapy again. I've thought about going to a new T, because I felt ashamed. But I chose to go back to this T, because she has been the only T I've see who understood me and who knew how to help me and had good suggestions. And now she's leaving me while I still need help. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't went back to her a year ago. I don't know if I would be better off then, but it would have save me a lot of other worries.