Is your T genuine?

The therapist I know outside her practice has a real act--bragging about her compassion and caring like an actress playing a role. Yet she is narcissistic, juvenilely grandiose and viciously competitive. I cringe at the thought of this arrested development specimen with vulnerable clients, for I doubt she has a genuinely empathic bone in her body. (Ironically, she goes out of her way to seek me out and antagonize me).

I'm trying to formulate a reply to this thread - it is a topic that has had a lot of impact on me over the last few years: not my T's genuineness, but my own... I'm thinking that genuine is a concept that is hard to nail down, and I don't think that honesty and genuineness are necessarily that closely related...
A lot is being said here about acting, but without genuine emotion you can't act. The character an actor is playing may not be real, but the emotion is - that's what makes a great actor; the ability to understand and portray emotion...
Is my T genuine? Am I genuine? In my. In my very first session with him (it was a couples' session with the stbx), he told me I was not being genuine and I started to cry. I didn't understand what he meant. As far as I understood at the time I was being completely honest. I suppose, in hindsight I was not being true to myself, I was hiding from myself. I was desperately trying to believe an awful situation was something it was not. But in hindsight I also know I had no choice at the time. I was surviving the only way I could. I was genuinely doing my best.
So what is genuine anyway. Be true to yourself I suppose. Do the best you can for yourself. I choose to believe my T is his genuine self. I truly think he is, but that is my judgement. He has helped me greatly. Saved my life in a way. He has his own issues I know - I see chinks in the armor here and there, but I don't trouble myself with that. He is only human, kinda like me.

I simply see genuinity as someone else mentioned - a consistency and congruence in how a person behaves, whatever the situation - someone who is true and sincere in their approach to people. When I encounter individuals who say one thing, but do the other, their sincerity and the genuinity of their belief and philosophy and character comes into question for me.

I've been fortunate to work with three very genuine therapists. I saw their consistency and the genuine behavior, reflective of their beliefs about life. That in no way means they attested to being perfect nor were they, but they had a strong sense of ethics and morality that came across not just in their interaction with me, but those around them, their coworkers, their families, etc. These were therapists who reached beyond those 50 minutes and the confines of their office walls to help and support not just me, but to work in service to others, to their family, their church, their community. I was in a position to see them in other environments and venues enough to get a strong sense that they were people who weren't just putting on an act for their clients; they really were who they appeared to be, even on "the outside" of those sessions. Their personalities were pretty consistent no matter where they were or who they were interacting with -- not perfect, just true to themselves.

I encountered several therapists along the way who did not feel genuine at all. They reeked of insincere empathy, showy pity, seemed almost immediately to need to prove they related to me, etc. It was pretty clear they were working practically off a script from some therapy technique class that had trained them very poorly on how to act genuine and act empathetic, but it felt strongly stilted and very much like a facade for the hour. I've seen similar behavior from other helping "professionals" who were just going through the motions: doctors, nurses, teachers, ministers. I think years of seeing the difference between that and those truly genuine individuals has helped me be very attuned to people who are merely going through the motions as opposed to those who are being real, being straight, being genuine. I saw too many of the former in the hospitals and schools and churches I been in where I, or my parents, had to run interference in advocacy for the people those "helpers" were insincerely "treating" which led to me being impatient with anything but the real deal.

The OP's original question was "Is YOUR T genuine?" and to that many of us feel very confident in answering "yes" because we have experience a consistency and sincerity in our own therapists words and actions. Other people are less certain about their own therapists. I don't believe anyone can answer that original question, though, for anyone but themselves in their own experience with their own therapist. Not all therapists are genuine; that would seem to be a given. By that same token, I personally don't believe all are not genuine as my own personal experience is to have seen therapists on both sides of the coin.

I would like to point out - as was just mentioned - that I was giving the response I have to the ones I see. I said nothing at all about your therapist or anyone else's in the response that you quoted.

It took me YEARS to be convinced that my t cared about me. I tested her in so many ways, over and over. I set her up for failure again and again just so that I could prove that she didn't actually care about me. We had a few ruptures but I eventually realized that she had no ulterior motive and actually did mean what she said. I never was afraid of what she secretly thought of me. I was more concerned as to whether she was just doing her job or if she really cared about me and my well-being.

Thank you!
I agree with all of this, but especially the bolded part.

I have also been on the "inside" of the professional therapeutic community and witnessed this type of behavior and humor as well. It was interesting how genuine a therapist could appear to a patient/client and how they would say disparaging things behind their back. So i would feel very arrogant assuming that i know someone else is genuine because no one can really know what another person is thinking. It probably doesn't really matter if the client feels helped by the therapist and really believes they are being genuine, but it is unsettling to me.

I also wonder if people just get better at hiding their true selves over time. They become better actors as time goes on. Who knows really.

I experience my T as genuine. She seems able to acknowledge her own blocks and misunderstandings to a human extent.

I know lots of Ts personally because of the work I do (I'm a counsellor). Most of those I would say are genuine, boundaried types, and I know one who is a total arse.

I apologize, SD. I thought you used "they" to mean all Ts. I realize after rereading your post that you were referring to your two Ts only. I also meant demeaning to my T, not to me, because I know she believes she is genuine, and so do I think she is.

I trust my T and I believe she's not faking.

I did want to add that when I was at some of those meetings in which clients were degraded or mocked, there were genuine, confident and no-nonsense therapists who let others know that they didn't like or tolerate such talk and some cut off any such talk, even therapists who weren't "in-charge" or the one's running the meeting.

I've observed therapists who speak-up being mocked or ignored themselves, and more than a few didn't back down in the face of pressure from their colleagues. I've sat in case meetings where the professional leading the meeting was vigilant about not allowing anyone to engage in degrading talk or sarcasm, cynicism or inappropriate humor. So what I'm saying is that I don't mean to paint the entire profession of psychotherapy/psychiatry/psychology with the "ugly" brush. There are very ethical and genuine therapists out there, but what makes me sad is that I wasn't always able to tell who was who.

A few therapists who I thought were highly ethical and genuine actually ended up surprising me by being exactly what I thought they weren't. These were therapists who I thought, from watching them with clients, were well-trained and genuine. I guess what I'm saying is I can't always tell so I can't worry about whether or not my therapist is joking or judging me when I'm not around. I have to believe based on how she treats me in session that she's not doing that and accept that at face value. Otherwise, I'd be tying myself up in a knot and worrying about something I have absolutely NO control over.

**** T if he judges me. I'm FABULOUS.

Haha. But seriously, I think my T's intentions are genuine even when particular comments fail the 'genuine' test so miserably they actually become funny. I remember having the following conversation after apologizing for calling in the midst of a panic attack:

Me: "So, sorry again about that."
T: "If it makes you feel any better, people call me all the time."
Me: "Really? That sounds dreadful."
T: "Oh, you know, It's not a big deal. I...care."

I don't know what it was, he just seemed to lose such conviction in between the "I" and the "care" it was like a balloon deflating. If I were to novelize it, his character would be "Overworked Social worker" and the sentence would be " 'I...care,' he finished lamely."

It was actually oddly comforting to realize he could be such a terrible liar, and somehow the whole thing was incredibly funny. Which, ironically, showed that therapy was working: I never would have been able to laugh if my self-worth had been all wrapped up in this other person's caring and what he supposedly secretly thought of me.

What other people 'secretly think' of you is so completely inaccessible there's something self-obsessed about even worrying about it. How can you assume people 'secretly think' anything at all about you, let alone something positive/negative?

I mean, why would the disheartening thought between the "I" and the "care" have to be about me at all? Why assume it was something like, "Gosh, Argo's such a whiner," when it just as easily (more likely?) could have been, "I'm tired and this chair hurts my ***."

Anyway, just my two cents.

Hey, I resemble this post! My therapy is all about me, and my therapist darn well better be thinking about me ALL the time

Great post, Argo

I have no idea if T is being genuine or not. I don't know what she's thinking. No more than I know what any of you out there are thinking. I don't know T outside of therapy so she's basically a complete stranger that way. There's no way for me to really know if she's genuine or not. T's have a "role" to play. They either play it well or they don't. If they don't, find another T that does...I guess.
What I'm basically saying is that as long as it appears to me, or as long as it feels as if T is being genuine with me, and the therapy relationship is working, then I'm OK.

I thought I had a genuine T but it turns out that I was wrong.

I agree with this. Makes a lot of sense.

Maybe what really matters is if one believes their therapist is genuine (if that type of thing matters to you).

I think to some extent the answer is in the question. Seems to me if one is always wondering is T genuine, it probably means you don't have enough information to know. How can you judge a person's authenticity from a scripted role?

In the outside world you have mutuality and more natural give and take from which to draw conclusions.

I feel my t is very genuine. He's very caring and thoughtful, too.

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I agree with you too, I think good Ts are genuine or try to be. Sometimes they even need to be taught to be genuine, given that the role they need to play as therapists confuses them too and it can be emotionally taxing on a T as well.

But I think it was Carl Rogers and the whole humanistic tradition that brought therapy back to basics of relating as opposed to pure technique (of behaviorism and psychoanalysis), and importance of therapist trying to be genuine and to relate with patients at the most basic human level.

Of course to be genuine, therapists would need to be either compassionate as people or be open to being taught how to be compassionate for others. Which is a reason why not anybody can be a therapist (or surgeon or car mechanic or news anchor...). Or at least not a good one.

If one feels compassion for a someone who is struggling and suffering, which means come to really understand how their life has been difficult and caused them pain, the genuine reaction would be to care.

Some people don't realize that to be genuine is also beneficial to the therapist who feels more connected with the patient. It's sort of like going to a friend who is struggling and you tear up. In that moment you are connecting with your friend. Which is different from turning away from it, which the friend would find uncaring and also the person themselves more distant from their friend in their hour of need.

For people who are afraid of emotions, of course, it might give them some sort of comfort to think all therapists are faking it. Because that's what they would do, they imagine, in similar circumstances, to protect themselves, from a patient or friend or neighbor or classmate's suffering.

If it works for someone - that is all that matters as far as I can see it. I believe the ones I see are not genuine. It works for me. If they are secretly genuine - it has no bearing on me as long as they keep on hiding it from me. Which they do well at the moment. From my professional and in my real life experience - I have actively seen therapists not be genuine and be fairly open about their lack of it as long as they were not around clients. The reason I find it better to have a therapist who is not genuine has nothing at all to do with how I relate to real people in my life nor from a fear of emotion.

If others find believing theirs are genuine - have at it. Those of us who find comfort in their lack of genuinity are not in any way stopping the belief in nor the actuality of (should it be real) genuineness in therapists in general nor of any specific one them.

That sounds a lot like training to be an actor. Just sayin...

But what if (to paraphrase Ferenczi) the T has so many difficulties of their own that they cannot realistically truly care about the client's, or perhaps even listen in a genuine way? Or what if the T just does not like the client? Or what if the T knows they need to express compassion but they are just not feeling it? In all these scenarios should they nevertheless act the part of compassionate caregiver?

At what point do these various twists and turns strangle the authenticity out of the relationship?

I thought my main T was genuine. I suppose she was in some ways. But largely it was genuineness in the context of a very particular role she was playing. When I tried to change my role and hence hers, she did not like it and became someone quite different. I was deceived by her initial acting job and by my own neediness and desperation.

I think that's ok. You don't know what your T was thinking, but they're only human. It sounds like, no matter how they really felt at that moment, they were there for you. Being there for you shows they did care. In some way you connected personally.

I don't ask my T if she cares or anything like that. I know she cares enough to see me, virtually for free. I know she wants to help. If she wants to tell me she cares she will. I desperately want someone to care, but it is what it is. Some things I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't, other things I don't ask because I want to hear them and I want it to be real. I may never hear them, but I can't put her on the spot. (If it were my GF, wife, or best buddy I might ask.)

I think you already know that even if your T has never said "I care" overtly, her actions show that she does. Even if you never ask your T if she cares, I think you should talk about desperately wanting someone to care--what does it mean to you? Why does it feel like something you're missing?

Anyway, I think it's good you believe your T is pretty good about being genuine and that you know she wants to help. That gnawing little insecurity that "What if so-and-so secretly thinks I'm a tool?" yeah, I think everybody can relate, with other people even if not with their T. It takes work not to worry about. If it bothers you in other areas of your life (I was once PLAGUED by it, and it still worries me from time to time) I'd encourage you to talk about that, too.

Take care!

PS: and, yeah, I thought it was okay, too. My T does seem to care, even if, for whatever reason, he sort of failed to say it out loud

Just a question about this part: Are you saying that therapists can't be genuine because of the nature of therapy, which as you sort of imply, best it can do is provide "genuineness in the context of a very particular role"?

If so, do you see this limitation as something unique to psychotherapy or every professional role in our whole society?

I feel like my T is genuine. I can see expressions on her face from time to time, and she tells me stories about her life sometimes -- her vacations, her husband, her kids, other clients in similar situations (of course following HIPAA, and half the time the stories are from years ago anyway since she's been in practice so long). And while she does these things, I don't think she ever crosses ethical/professional boundaries.