[Soccer mom]

I saw my T. off and on for 5 years and then regularly after my emotionally unavailable and alcoholic mom died almost 2 years ago. I developed maternal transference and I now believe she didn't know how to help me.

She was very inconsistent. She suggested I talk to my brother who had a similar transference experience and is a T. and then months later said I shouldn't after he told me that she wasn't making good decisions about my care. I consulted with two other T's for their opinion on how to handle my transference and decided to stay with her and try to talk more. She told me she wouldn't push me away, let me push her away or abandon me. We discussed abandonment at length and she said it's a harsh word meaning leave without any resources. She said if she ever had to refer me, there were things she could to do help the process.

I found out a coworker who works right next to me started seeing her and a flood of emotions came over me. I had seen an envelope to my T. on her desk as I was talking to her. Also, my office shares our calendars with each other to ensure there is always coverage and she had her appointments on her calendar. Not in my T's name but the times gave it away. I told my T. I was struggling with it because I didn't want to hear about my co worker's therapy. She asked what made me think she would even talk about it and I explained we all support each other and talk. My T. told me I violated her privacy and she had to protect the privacy of her clients. The next session she told me she was terminating and I had to find a therapist in 2 weeks but couldn't see them until after my last session. I thought my T. would instead tell me of things to say to myself like nothing changes our relationship, etc. and then dig into what feelings it stirred up about my mom which was the bigger issue. Instead she focused on her, my coworker and her practice. Ironically, my coworker HAS indeed told me about her therapy as I suspected.

My T's termination letter sited my choices around my transference including the session date I mentioned my coworker, the need to protect her clients' privacy and the fact that I had on my own consulted with another T. which means I had been thinking about leaving anyway. She stapled a list of therapists in a 30 mile radius covered by my insurance and would not refer me to anyone. Her reason was that with my perception of her being in control, it would be better for me to find someone on my own instead of her having an influence. I can't help but see this as abandonment.

I don't want to sue her or even bring a complaint. I just want to know whether it is indeed viewed as abandonment. She told me it wasn't because I had thought about leaving for awhile. I never disclosed that until the session about my coworker. She should have supported me trying to help myself instead of being fearful of what I was saying (my assumption).

I think this is a part of my processing losing her and the reenactment of my childhood. I have a new wonderful T. who is helping me but we have not talked about my termination letter yet. I woke up so angry the other morning. I see my T. around town and I so want to tell her she DID abandon me and blamed ME for her inability to help me. She told me none of this was my fault yet mentioned it in the termination letter. My therapy was flooded with inconsistencies.

Thanks for "listening".

[Out There]

I have followed your story and was very pleased you are doing well with your new T. Perhaps this will be part of processing for you. Your previous T was very inconsistent.

[Petra5ed]

Soccer mom,

I think it was wrong what she did, and in your shoes I would feel abandoned. I'm not sure that's how she sees it, but that's how I would. If you were her client first, she shouldn't have even seen your coworker. Sorry that happened to you.

[JaneTennison1]

Your T and my ex T sound so similar it hurts. I called her for closure recently and instead of being sorry for her reactions, instead of discussing things it was instead a call to go back and blame me, to try and twist my truth so that she came out looking ok. What really happened was that she couldn't handle my feelings and so she shut down and shut me out. How she worded it was that because I was defensive about something (which I had been in the past, never raised my voice, swore or did anything other than be annoyed) that was me trying to bully her, and she had to leave.

It is a form of gaslighting, trying to make it seem like our issues left them no choice and to paint our issues in a light that leaves them rosy. You have a right to be angry. What she did was to say she would never shut you out like that and to make you feel connected before shutting you out and then stating it was you who left first. Gross

Process it with new T for sure. Any good T would have been able to discuss your fears and feelings because that is what therapy is for. This was meant to be about you and not about her.

Sorry for the rant also. Our stories are similar!!

Good luck

[JaneTennison1]

P.s it doesn't matter if she feels she did everything right, you are the client and it matters how you feel about what happened.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

P.s it doesn't matter if she feels she did everything right, you are the client and it matters how you feel about what happened.

My new T. reminds me that my perception is all that matters and ex-T. should have honored that. When I have healed and come out the other side, I plan to write her a letter. I wanted to do it now but new T. wants me to wait. She says the letter needs to be about ME and not about her although she'll get the hints along the way. I look forward to writing it. She was so wrong for me but I didn't listen to my intuition which I have never ignored before.

Therapy is SOOO different now. My T. has said she's here for me and cares about me and I have never asked for it. Therefore, I am so much more relaxed in this relationship even with the transference a part of it.

[JaneTennison1]

I also want to write a letter but new T has said that she will not hear me if I complain about her or write to her. I need to work on that for me and not just to feel heard.

I ignored my intuition on her lateness and flakiness because I believe I had some transference. I let it go too long and feel some relief although I miss her

Anyway, I wish you lots of healing. You are valid to feel anyway you wish about the ending and especially to feel hurt and abandoned no matter how ex T spins it.

[unaluna]

Her letter is a pathetic, obvious attempt to cover her butt. She doesnt even understand the concept of privacy. If she truly believes what she is saying, she is dumb beyond description. If she is saying it to con the authorities, she is a bad person. I would wonder if she also has a problem with alcohol and seeing you was really a problem for her. That is the privacy she is trying to protect - you figuring out her secret. Her letter means NOTHING.

[Lauliza]

The therapist is legally bound to confidentiality, not the client, so I think this is really strange behavior on the part of your T and she handled it very poorly. Your therapist cannot talk to clients about other clients, so unfortunately her hands were tied in that regard. However, it was her responsibility to make that clear and not engage in discussion about it. That doesn't make it easier for you so I imagine from that point on it would have been difficult for her to remain your T. Still, it should have been addressed more skillfully and she should have tried in some way to make it work for you. I think you could consider this abandonment, simply because she handled it so poorly. I don't know that it would hold up in a complaint, but philosophically I agree with your perception of it.

[BayBrony]

I think it was abandonment.
First of all you have no responsibility to protect anyone's privacy. Your T does. You don't. If I see a coworker at my It's office I can tell any and everyone I want ( it might make me a jerk but it has nothing to do with legal confidentiality). Your T can not confirm that she sees this person, even if you already KNOW it. That's HER problem.

Second lots of clients in trauma work consider leaving T on a regular basis. I have told my T several times that "I'm never coming back!!" Etc. It's part of dealing with all the huge emotions. The therapist is supposed to be the rock that withstands those emotions and keeps this steady. My T will always say "well I'll leave the appointments open in case you change your mind" which I.always do.
So the fact that you considered leaving is irrelevant.

I think from following your posts she was maybe not a healthy match for you and you might be better off with a new T.
But I.think you have every right to feel angry and abandoned.

[Soccer mom]

Since I don't really care if she sees this, here are some sentences from her letter:
"I have become aware that your therapeutic needs will be better treated by a therapist other than me in light of the intensity of your transference dynamics and choices within that transference as we discussed on 8/10. The wellbeing, care and privacy of you and the other clients of this practice are of my utmost priority and all should be protected and handled within the best of my ability."
If she had never taken a coworker, this wouldn't have been an issue. She could have owned her part of it and helped me through it. She said I invaded that coworker's privacy despite ALL of us SHARING our calendars. She asked "what if you didn't want them to know about a doctor apt". I replied then I wouldn't put it on my calendar. Duh

"As you have shared, you have frequently strongly considered moving your treatment elsewhere and even seen another therapist to test this however be aware that your health care benefit does not provide coverage in that manner and only one therapist at a given time can be active and covered by your benefit." Putting it back on me.

Gaslighting to it's finest.

[JaneTennison1]

This letter does nothing to serve you. It is her way of having the final say on what happened whether it is truly what happened or not. I think it's gross when a T tries to backtrack but I am not surprised at all.

Whatever happened and for whatever reason, she could have ended it so much better than to give you a letter of her excuses that serves you no purpose but to wonder if she was in the same therapy sessions you were

[unaluna]

I would have respected her more if she would have ADMITTED to begin with that she wanted to be the t of record so she got paid. But now it looks like a sorry afterthought of an excuse. But i still dont think she graduated the top of her class...

Eta - she may never agree with you, or understand your pov. But that doesnt mean you have to lower yourself to live under her standards - as we did with our parents.

Like other posters, I was very glad to see that you've found a new therapist and she has been so open and caring in her approach to your therapy. I always thought that your previous therapist was a dud when it came to handle transference; I get it that many therapists aren't well trained in this area and fumble around, but her ineptness was profound! I'm glad you've moved on.

I think it's a great idea to write your former therapist a letter a little further on in your therapy. I've found that when I've reached a place of acceptance and healing of any harm that was done to me that I am in a much better place to express myself articulately and reasonably.

On the issue of your former therapist stating that she was "protecting the confidentiality" of all her clients by referring you on--Bull Hockey! She could have discussed your concerns without revealing anything about whether or not she was treating your co-worker. I saw a therapist years ago who also ended up seeing one of my co-workers. When the co-worker called her and asked for an appointment, my therapist addressed the issue in the very next session. She simply said that someone that worked in the same facility as me had requested an appointment and how did I feel about that. She told me that she was always careful to make appointments that didn't overlap in any way when seeing people from the same place of employment (it was a pretty small town with not a lot of qualified therapists). I worked at a BIG facility so I wouldn't normally have known who the person was, but in fact, I had referred the person My therapist would NOT have seen the person if it was a problem because I was there first. She would have referred the person on to one of her colleagues. Same with family members who end up contacting her and attempting to make an appointment. I don't get it why your previous therapist didn't deal with the issue by referring the other person on if it was going to be a problem. You are definitely much better off getting away from that situation . . . even though I know it must have been difficult and painful for you.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Like other posters, I was very glad to see that you've found a new therapist and she has been so open and caring in her approach to your therapy. I always thought that your previous therapist was a dud when it came to handle transference; I get it that many therapists aren't well trained in this area and fumble around, but her ineptness was profound! I'm glad you've moved on.

I think it's a great idea to write your former therapist a letter a little further on in your therapy. I've found that when I've reached a place of acceptance and healing of any harm that was done to me that I am in a much better place to express myself articulately and reasonably.

On the issue of your former therapist stating that she was "protecting the confidentiality" of all her clients by referring you on--Bull Hockey! She could have discussed your concerns without revealing anything about whether or not she was treating your co-worker. I saw a therapist years ago who also ended up seeing one of my co-workers. When the co-worker called her and asked for an appointment, my therapist addressed the issue in the very next session. She simply said that someone that worked in the same facility as me had requested an appointment and how did I feel about that. She told me that she was always careful to make appointments that didn't overlap in any way when seeing people from the same place of employment (it was a pretty small town with not a lot of qualified therapists). I worked at a BIG facility so I wouldn't normally have known who the person was, but in fact, I had referred the person My therapist would NOT have seen the person if it was a problem because I was there first. She would have referred the person on to one of her colleagues. Same with family members who end up contacting her and attempting to make an appointment. I don't get it why your previous therapist didn't deal with the issue by referring the other person on if it was going to be a problem. You are definitely much better off getting away from that situation . . . even though I know it must have been difficult and painful for you.

Our work is one of the biggest employers in my small town and my ex-T is on the EAP list. So, I'm not the only one who sees her. In fact, another co-worker does but had established the relationship long before my transference so it didn't bother me. I felt my T. should have thought how seeing this other coworker could have affected me. Of course, I now realize she would have told me JUST to change my thoughts about it all.

I didn't talk to my ex-T. about it for her to change it. I wanted help dealing with it. Her reaction shocked me.

New T. (WITHOUT me asking) said she won't see anyone I work with. She understands the transference so much better. In fact, I always wanted ex-T to tell me she's there for me (because my mom wasn't). Because of her actions, I always questioned it and felt very alone in my therapy. New T. has said it in different ways (literally) and just this morning emailed that she is here for me as a partner on my journey and won't leave me. She said she's hesitated saying it that exact way since it was such an issue with ex-T but now they are true for her so she said them. A completely different experience!

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I think it was abandonment.
First of all you have no responsibility to protect anyone's privacy. Your T does. You don't. If I see a coworker at my It's office I can tell any and everyone I want ( it might make me a jerk but it has nothing to do with legal confidentiality). Your T can not confirm that she sees this person, even if you already KNOW it. That's HER problem.

Second lots of clients in trauma work consider leaving T on a regular basis. I have told my T several times that "I'm never coming back!!" Etc. It's part of dealing with all the huge emotions. The therapist is supposed to be the rock that withstands those emotions and keeps this steady. My T will always say "well I'll leave the appointments open in case you change your mind" which I.always do.
So the fact that you considered leaving is irrelevant.

I think from following your posts she was maybe not a healthy match for you and you might be better off with a new T.
But I.think you have every right to feel angry and abandoned.

I agree 1,000% with this.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I also think it was abandonment and her letter was to just cover her butt. Transference is hard enough to feel and deal with, without your T refusing to hug you and then just referred you on. I am sorry you had to deal with that.

I am so happy that you have started with a new T and she sounds wonderful. I think she can really help you and I hope that you can heal from your experience with your other T.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I also think it was abandonment and her letter was to just cover her butt. Transference is hard enough to feel and deal with, without your T refusing to hug you and then just referred you on. I am sorry you had to deal with that.

I am so happy that you have started with a new T and she sounds wonderful. I think she can really help you and I hope that you can heal from your experience with your other T.

Just to clarify she never refused to hug me. Thanks though.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Just to clarify she never refused to hug me. Thanks though.

I thought I read in your posts that your ex-T told you she hugged her other clients but wouldn't hug you because of your transference?

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I thought I read in your posts that your ex-T told you she hugged her other clients but wouldn't hug you because of your transference?

Not at all. We started hugging about half way through. I didn't initiate because I thought she might not want to due to transference. But, that wasn't the case.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Just to clarify she never refused to hug me. Thanks though.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Not at all. We started hugging about half way through. I didn't initiate because I thought she might not want to due to transference. But, that wasn't the case.

I am sorry. I got you mixed up with someone else. I am glad you have such a wonderful new T now that says she is there for you and is helping you heal.

[wheeler]

I am so sorry that exT has put you through all this, but I'm glad you have someone else to work this thru with.