Had therapy today at noon. It was one of "those" sessions. I told him so. I said that when I go home and think about the session, I will say, %#@&#!!!! It was one of those sessions in which he insists that we did work through some stuff, although I can't see that at all. I did not feel connected. It wasn't because we weren't on the same page... it was because I felt as though I couldn't focus on anything... couldn't talk about anything for more than a bit before moving on... couldn't "get there" in regards to anything. Felt like I made absolutely no sense. We did figure out that this unconscious resistance was coming from the idea that I wanted to protect myself... it was another Saturday session, beautiful day, feeling alright... I didn't want to 'ruin' my good day by talking about upsetting subject matter. Then of course, I got pissed off at him because I normally do every week. I have realized it has become, largely, a defense for the mess of feelings I don't want to recognize in there. So I told him, "Now I'm pissed. Have you noticed I always get pissed off at you towards the end of the session." And he's like, "Yeah, I've kinda picked up on that." lol I like that I can tell him when I'm feeling mad. I had told him how I really wanted to bake a pie this weekend. At the end of the session, he asked if I was still gonna bake the pie. I replied, "Yeah, and it better come out good!" So he goes, "And who are you going to blame if it doesn't?" hahahahaha.... But all laughing aside, it was a very frustrating session, in which I feel as though I was making surface circles, and not going anywhere. He said, "It's okay to give yourself a break." I told him how I never give myself a break, for fear that if I do, everything will fall apart. Told him how just because he says it's okay, and in actuality, it is okay, I don't feel like it's okay. He said that he agreed, and that we would start right at that point when I see him on Friday.

I did make him laugh really, really hard. He asked me what type of pie I would make. I told him, "It has pears, berries, and a bunch of other crap." He goes, " A bunch of other crap?" and then he just lost it. Laughing hysterically.

He let the session go for 1 hr., 10 minutes. I feel like I wasted the extra time. I wonder why he let it go so long. I just wish that this extra long session felt more meaningful to me. I wish I felt connected.

[SecretGarden]

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pinksoil said:
We did figure out that this unconscious resistance was coming from the idea that I wanted to protect myself... I didn't want to 'ruin' my good day by talking about upsetting subject matter.

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I can relate.... on many levels..

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Then of course, I got pissed off at him because I normally do every week. I have realized it has become, largely, a defense for the mess of feelings I don't want to recognize in there. So I told him, "Now I'm pissed. Have you noticed I always get pissed off at you towards the end of the session."

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A psychiatrist friend of mine says that it is easier to get in a fight with someone when separating as that way you do not have to feel the sadness and the loss.

[Perna]

Hey, doesn't sound so crappy, if only because you figured out the whys and wherefors of crappiness, especially on beautiful days :-) You have to see/understand the problems before you can fix them.

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SecretGarden said:

A psychiatrist friend of mine says that it is easier to get in a fight with someone when separating as that way you do not have to feel the sadness and the loss.

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Wow. Yes. Thank you so much, Secret, for bringing that up. I used to get extreme anxiety and agitation at those minutes leading up the the end of the session. This was only up until a couple of weeks ago. I would become so anxious that I would feel the loss, the disconnection, once I walked out that door. Especially after I cut down my sessions from 2x per week to 1x. Now I always find a way to get mad in those last 10 minutes or so. And I never thought of that, Secret. That walking out mad is so much easier than walking out hurting and lost.

i tend to get mad near the end of the session too. i usually manage to get him to go to 10 past but he is very strict about not going beyond 10 past. basically... it takes me about 20 minutes of winding down to get to something approximating how i was when i arrived. slow to warm up, slow to warm down. we usually have 5-10 minutes of bookkeeping kinda stuff. seems that he always annoys me. i don't think he minds my being mad at him when i leave. at least i'm together enough to be going 'snif. don't need you anyway'.

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:

It was one of those sessions in which he insists that we did work through some stuff, although I can't see that at all. I did not feel connected. It wasn't because we weren't on the same page... it was because I felt as though I couldn't focus on anything...

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This happens to me too Pink. I will feel as though I'm jumping all over the place and not making sense. Maybe I'm trying to avoid something. What helps me is to make a list before hand of what I want to cover. I pull it out when I sit down and keep it next to me. It has helped me.

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pinksoil said:
We did figure out that this unconscious resistance was coming from the idea that I wanted to protect myself... it was another Saturday session, beautiful day, feeling alright... I didn't want to 'ruin' my good day by talking about upsetting subject matter.

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I think sometimes we just need a session or two to sort of re attach ourselves to our T's. Especially after some hard sessions. Maybe this is what you are unconsciously trying to do?

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pinksoil said:
But all laughing aside, it was a very frustrating session, in which I feel as though I was making surface circles, and not going anywhere. He said, "It's okay to give yourself a break."

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This is what I was trying to say above

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pinksoil said:
I did make him laugh really, really hard. He asked me what type of pie I would make. I told him, "It has pears, berries, and a bunch of other crap." He goes, " A bunch of other crap?" and then he just lost it. Laughing hysterically.

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I love this exchange. He gets you!

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pinksoil said:
He let the session go for 1 hr., 10 minutes. I feel like I wasted the extra time. I wonder why he let it go so long. I just wish that this extra long session felt more meaningful to me. I wish I felt connected.

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I have the sense that your T really tries to meet your needs. Whether these needs are voiced by you or not, he knows them and tries to meet them. I think he wanted to give you some extra time to take the pressure off of the session ending.

[MissCharlotte]

Pinksoil,

I'm sorry your session was lousy. I've had my fair share, as you said, we all have.

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"It has pears, berries, and a bunch of other crap."

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Is this pie description a metaphor for your session? The fruit and the crap? The good stuff and the not-so-good stuff?

I hope you can reconnect. Hmmm. Just remember his hair?

(((hugs)))

[(JD)]

Don't beat yourself up about it... T is usually right imo, at least mine is

Fruit and cra*... does that involve bears?