crappy session

crap crap crap.

i guess i had gotten psyched up for the tuesday session and the cancellation came as a disappointment. i tried to similarly psych myself up for this one, but it didn't happen. i guess he wasn't really on form. snuffling a bit and stuff. in my awkwardness i avoid. probably made it even more awkward. couldn't really get into anything. rambelled a little. i probably should have expressed some concern that he was okay. didn't though. just avoided the issue.

(confronted with therapists mortality? - don't think so.)

said that i'd been struggling a lot over the past month. some days in bed. maybe depression. he said to phone on tuesday if i'm still feeling depressed and he will try to get back to me that day.

why?

medication doesn't really help.

he said to keep up with the mindfulness. being in the present. yeah. i know he is right. what stops me?

i'm often split between the past and the present. half a mind on now and half a mind on then.

and a lot of time ruminating on the past.

i worry that if i stop ruminating / if i stay in the present then the past will hit me full force with flashbacks and stuff. it might be that my divided attention is what keeps me functioning as well as i do.

or of course it might not be. it might be that my divided attention is what is holding me back from functioning even better.

i guess there is only one way to find out. keep a diary and see.

crappy crap crap i hate diarys.

and i'm in a foul mood methinks.

Hey, sorry to hear that your session wasn't what you hoped it would be. I hate when that happens. How come you hate keeping diaries/journals? If you stil feel depressed, will you call him Tuesday? My T tells me to call him when I'm feeling really down. I always say... why? Is he going to pull out a magic wand to make it go away? I never know the purpose of the phone call.

I hope you're ok.

Sorry about the session. I'm not good at diaries either. Instead I save all the emails I send to my mental health team (psychiatrist & therapist) - kinda makes for a strange diary. Looks like the session did spur you on to thoughts about mindfulness though. Not much, but something.

Oh alex, I'm sorry. I know how disappointing it is about crap sessions. I can bet you are still frustrated and thinking it over much in your head.

Don't get too down about it.....because your t is awesome and some sessions are just "off". We all know how you feel about your t so I am confident you will trudge forward and, putting this is a diary will/can help with that.

Sweetie, you have been keeping a diary here a bit so you CAN do this....probably because you think you *have* to now it's not so appealing.

"................and a lot of time ruminating on the past"...................

I hear ya sister........you've guided me through the ruminations I do...so now let me share with you. I think you have control over the ruminations and perhaps they are a bit of a comfort as you "know" how to fall into a rumination so easily. Sort of like coping maybe.

It's scary, but you suggested this to me once.....try to challenge your ruminations, or compartmentalize like, I will only ruminate from 8am-2pm or whatever, then toss it aside and work on the mindfulness. This way, you are compromising but still having a bit of control and progressing on working to keeping the ruminations at bay or at least in their "place". You have such will and strength of mind, I know you will figure out a way to deal with this.

(((((((((((((((thinking of you alex)))))))))))))))))))

((Alex)) I so hate those type of sessions, where it feels I am no futher along than I was before the session. But you went! that is good! Yes diarys/journals are hard but they are the only way away from therapy that I can go "within" and help myself and hear myself and heal myself.

hey. its so hard...

i guess this is partly about my avoidance of being in the present moment with him. and my refusal to talk about the therapy relationship (or how i feel in response to it). i'm kind of fending him off. i don't notice this mostly... but sometimes i kind of become aware that i put out these '%#@&#! off' signals. kind of push people away. mostly because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and i'll only hurt them. or because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and they will only hurt me. i don't experience the fear though. i just experience this irritation / annoyance. feel annoyed and so come across as condescending or irritable or something like that. but i do think that it is about fear really. because it makes sense.

i guess i was hurt that he cancelled on tuesday. i remember all the way back when i was doing dbt therapy... i went in for my appointment with my therapist and the receptionist told me that she had to cancel. i was really upset. i went home and SI. then a couple days later my t phoned and she was so very apologetic and she said that she had been in a car accident that morning and that she was in hospital that afternoon. and my anger / sadness / frustration / despair morphed into concern for her... and i was really mortified next week about having to give her my diary card that had that I SI'd that afternoon. for the first time ever... she didn't make me do a behavioural analysis of that one... guess it was obvious all round.

i was having a bad week. thinking 'three more days to therapy' and then 'two more days to therapy' and then 'therapy tomorrow'. and that was keeping me getting through. because SI thoughts have started coming up again. and that big black hole of despair where it feels like there is nothing to be done but stay in bed and cry. and then he cancelled. and i cried for a good hour or two... and then i got my *** out of bed and made a reasonable attempt to get through to friday (our next session). but part of my being able to do that was to... kind of go 'i don't need you anyway'. and not wanting to fall apart... and realising that people do get sick sometimes and that is understandable and that isn't his fault.

that isn't his fault.

but i do feel frustrated that we have had so many disruptions.

and so... i guess i was a little bit kind of annoyed or something. i think things are disintegrating with that.

i'm becoming aware...

i tend to deskill people.

they feel kind of powerless / incompetent.

(not exactly that extreme... but something along those lines)

repetition compulsion. i think it is about me manipulating the situation such that they feel that...

it is hard. because i guess i don't have the ego strength for a lot of stuff. suggestions for change... even the educational speel on the way things are... i have an opinion too...

i wish i could just feel the love.

but i guess right now i'm feeling the hurt and defending against more of it.

it occurred to me on the bus on the way...

that he is taking a month off very soon. very soon indeed. maybe two weeks away.

and i'm hurt. that he is having a kid. who he will love. and that he will be worrying about his kid (as he should be) and not worrying about me. and it feels like his attention is divided and it is on that really. which is understandable of course. but story of my life etc etc etc. and i don't know how to deal with this. and i don't know what i need to say to him so that i can get past these defences and feel connected... and... importantly... not fall apart.

having been married to a doctor, i don't believe that having a child cancelled out his concerns for his patients. i really don't. i thought about it for awhile and thought i'd share with you. doctors are very skilled at compartmentalizing their work/home/work/home stuff. and it blends very well..........xoxoxo pat

i guess it is more about... sadness that he will never care about me as much as he cares about his kid. that i missed out. too late. too late for me. and i feel kinda like he rejected me as his kid by having another one. which is of course crazy firstly because i'm not his and secondly because i'm not even a kid and thirdly because this was planned before i started seeing him.

and i guess he wasn't really on the ball last time (probably not feeling very well). but instead of showing concern for him i just kinda pushed him away. 'cause he didn't see me when i needed him on tuesday. and we have had another session too where i left kinda wondering what was up for him in his personal life because he wasn't really on the ball then either.

i hate reality. crap crap crap. hate these extra-therapy intrusions. i just want to imagine him living in his office. there. being there. so when i need him he is there. but i'm only too aware (hes made it only too clear) that he isn't there all that much really. and he has this outside life with his wife and their kid to be. and maybe / probably(?) another kid or two. or whatever. and the time i spend with him... kinda shrinks into insignificance for the both of us. is how i feel right now. and i don't know whats up...

except that i care too much and it hurts too much and i don't know how to hold things together without breaking up sometimes...

and if only the feelings would be muted. but i feel like i'm swiming upstream trying not to let the feelings sweep me into the rocks that will break me up and destroy me.

and i wish it wasn't so dramatic but i can't find the 'mute'

because i don't let anybody close to me IRL. spend my time on the internet because y'all are fairly much on the opposite side of the earth to me. but even there i kind of hold people at arms length. and my irritabililty intervenes if things get too close.

and IRL its much stronger because there is the whole physical presence things too. words are a domain i feel fairly at home in so internet is great for words. real time is harder. then you build in the embodied nature of it all and it is harder again.

i push people away. always have.

only people i've let close have been inappropriate relationships that were heavily transferenced based. and that was a while ago now... last time that happened... well... we split up when i was 19.

i just can't let people in. need to be by myself. need my time to ruminate. to play mindless computer games. to cry. i don't like the noise i make. i never asked to live. you can have this back now thanks. i don't like the noise it makes.

it hurts too much.

((((((Alexandra)))))

I'm so sorry. It sounds like the crappy session just ruined things for you the last few days. I bet the next time you have a good session you'll be feeling much better.

It's the worst when you're really psyched up about a session. I remember a little while back I had a day off work (it was a holiday or something) the same day that I was going to therapy. I was so psyched that I was going to get there all early and had thought about everything I wanted to say and all that. Well, I headed down to the bus stop all bright and early. And you know what? The bus drove right past me. I don't know how he didn't see me since I was standing right under the stop. And then I couldn't find a cab and it took ages to get other transportation. So instead of being early I was way late. I had never been late before and wasn't sure whether to walk up to his office or not. So I didn't, and it was a while before he thought to come down and find me. So we started about 25 minutes late and we started on the topic of why I was such an unassertive loser (my words obviously, not his) that I didn't even have the nerve to walk up to his office. All my beautiful plans ruined.

Later after I left therapy I started feeling completely hopeless. I called him and told him I felt hopeless, that I couldn't learn from therapy, etc. etc. But it was all a mood thing because the session had gone so badly. By the next time I had stopped feeling that way -- was even able to talk about my lack of assertiveness and how I'd work on changing that, etc. But for a few days there I generalized everything into bad and negative because the session had gone so poorly.

I guess my point is I think you'll find things are better once you recover from the bad session. I hope you're feeling a little better already today.

Sidony

.................."i don't notice this mostly... but sometimes i kind of become aware that i put out these '%#@&#! off' signals. kind of push people away. mostly because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and i'll only hurt them. or because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and they will only hurt me. i don't experience the fear though. i just experience this irritation / annoyance. feel annoyed and so come across as condescending or irritable or something like that. but i do think that it is about fear really. because it makes sense.".......................................

alex, I do the exact same thing..........stripping away people's worth until I can justify why they are so annoying to me....why I don't need them.......I don't feel the fear but almost always the irritation, the annoyance of them...

I don't get close to people, i have no friends. I won't rely on anyone and I don't NEED anyone......but deep inside, I do.

I came to having to relinquish this to my t. I told her, I cannot get so close because I will criticize you and strip you of all worth and value and discredit you until you are nothing to me because you will have annoyed me to end....I said to her, I am waiting for this to happen to us, it will if I let my wall down and you come to close. She challenges me to do it and i think i am beginning....

You are so afraid of the transference too.....i see it and you fight it like hell. You are articulate and intelligent and that helps....but it may really be hurting.....there is some positivity in being this honest with him. The things you've typed above, dare you ever reveal this to him? I think that is the fear. But I think you would grow so much, are you not allowing these feelings to play out or show themselves to him? Are you trying to manage his perceptions? I wished you could give the words to him that he needs to hear....

(((((((((((((((((alex)))))))))))))))))))))))

hey.

wow that sounds like you had a really hectic day! i hate being late (my mother was the same). the ideal case for me is to arrive 5 or 10 minutes early so i can have a cigarette or two before going in. the first time i saw my t in his private practice i actually managed to get lost for a while. i was still 5 minutes early but i arrived all flustered! i have a fear of missing the bus too. i should carry money for a cab actually, in case that does happen.

with respect to this session... i guess i've been feeling badly for a while now. around a month. it has just kind of peaked over the last couple weeks. i'd guess 'depression' but i know that my mood is too reactive for that... it is like an intense depression for a day or two. then i manage to drag myself out of bed and have a reasonable sort of a half day... then the bad feeling comes back again the next day. reactive. but i'm having less of those relatively okay moments and more of those can't get out of bed moments.

mostly it is about feeling so very heavy and mentally numb. and having this longing... to go back to bed and engage in mindless activities like putting the tv on and half heartedly watching it while half heartedly playing a computer game. lots of incoming stimuli so my mind is ranging over that instead of ranging over how badly i feel or over flashbacks or whatever. but it is becoming all consuming where every day is a 'getting through' of trying to seek out these distractions. i think it really does result in my feeling worse but it is so ingrained that it is an automatic way of coping. even now... as i'm typing... i have an urge to go home and play computer games...

hey.

i try not to devalue. i try and remember their humanity. but sometimes it is harder than others, yeah. i guess the feeling of annoyance / frustration is part of my becoming emotionally numb. so they can't hurt me. sometimes i wonder if my heart is cold. i don't seem to be able to sustain caring for someone for too long. friends, sure. but really intimate relationships, i mean. i guess the going numb (and wanting to get away from them) is about getting them to back off. doesn't *feel* that way to me, but i guess it makes sense that that is what it is about. it helps in a way. to know that it isn't that i lack empathy and compassion and caring and the like... it is just that those feelings are replaced with numbness. it isn't that i'm incapable of caring. just that i can't access it at times.

i just... can't talk to him about this stuff... partly because he is going away soon. for a month. so i'm feeling kinda numb right now. and i think he might be catching some of the 'well you can't really help me anyway and you can't tell me anything i don't know already' kind of vibes that i'm putting out there... and this will come to a head at some point no doubt... but i guess he is learning about what kinds of repetitions i engage in... hopefully he is assessing this... maybe i'll talk to him about it more in our email communications while he is away. so very much easier to talk about it in email.

i guess what is behind it all... is these intense feelings of neediness / dependence / helplessness etc. i don't like those feelings. i'm afraid that if i try and talk about them (or allow myself to feel them) i'll get lost in them. that they will be too much and he will feel repulsed. that a perceived rejection will result in my breaking up. not being able to function. i don't know. sometimes i just need him to back off. so i shouldn't complain about the session really. i guess it was what i wanted.

and i'm doing the mindfulness thing. and that is helping. so i guess we are back to coping strategies... because i'm not coping so well at the moment. and i'm not coping well enough to risk doing anything that could tip me over the edge.

(been having SI urges that i haven't had in a long while. and longings for death)...

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Talulah said:



I came to having to relinquish this to my t. I told her, I cannot get so close because I will criticize you and strip you of all worth and value and discredit you until you are nothing to me because you will have annoyed me to end....I said to her, I am waiting for this to happen to us, it will if I let my wall down and you come to close. She challenges me to do it and i think i am beginning....


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This describes a fear I have but didn't realise I have. All I see it as is me being unable to be kind or love people or feel for people. I didn't see it as a process of "what I do"!

Geez I need to think on this

((alex))

........................."i try not to devalue. i try and remember their humanity. but sometimes it is harder than others, yeah. i guess the feeling of annoyance / frustration is part of my becoming emotionally numb. so they can't hurt me. sometimes i wonder if my heart is cold. i don't seem to be able to sustain caring for someone for too long. friends, sure. but really intimate relationships, i mean. i guess the going numb (and wanting to get away from them) is about getting them to back off. doesn't *feel* that way to me, but i guess it makes sense that that is what it is about. it helps in a way. to know that it isn't that i lack empathy and compassion and caring and the like... it is just that those feelings are replaced with numbness. it isn't that i'm incapable of caring. just that i can't access it at times."......................

alex.......you must be cut from the same cloth as me.....I can say these words above exactly, except I am able to sustain romatic/partner realtionships and no friends......

So many ppl think i am heartless and cold. But the emotions are so unaccessible at times as you said.

........................"i guess what is behind it all... is these intense feelings of neediness / dependence / helplessness etc. i don't like those feelings. i'm afraid that if i try and talk about them (or allow myself to feel them) i'll get lost in them. that they will be too much and he will feel repulsed. that a perceived rejection will result in my breaking up. not being able to function. i don't know. sometimes i just need him to back off. so i shouldn't complain about the session really. i guess it was what i wanted."..................................

echoing me again alex......i resisited "giving in" for so long (and still do a bit) as I am NOT a needy person. Always looked to my intelligence and capabilities as others did as well. So this needy and dependant feeling is not something I value. I felt weak and embarassed and....well.....childlike. I am working on ths with t. I guess you know exactly what path you're on, and yea, it'll come to a head for sure and this will be your time to show and expose that vulnerability you've been holding so close to yourself. You'll be ready when it's time and you will probably drop the guard a bit and you will get somewhere with your t. I believe you want this deep down, and that is absolutely ok. When you're ready, allow him to nurture a bit. You'll see your boundaries are probably askew and you will begin to learn to redefine them......at least that is what i'm trying to accomplish.

I told my t almost exactly what you said above and she really adopted a phenomenal attitude and told me she knows my boudaries are weak but hers are strong and we will "deal" each and every time I get stung.

So, please alex, take care of you and keep writing.....keep getting into words, even if they're not out of your mouth per se.

Those urges......YOU are strong and YOU can tackle them. I know them, they are nearby me often and it is a struggle.

(((((((((((((((((alex)))))))))))))))))))) always here as well, should you need to.......

ak....this thread has much honesty in it about what is really going on and approaches your issues from a much different place than we've seen you use before. we're tremendously proud of your honesty here and how much you are willing to admit to. you're courageous in that. so many couldn't or wouldn't admit to the transference feelings and figure out their root cause and then write about it. that's huge!

much admiration for your knowledge of needing to keep w/ the coping skills as times get tough. we need all of youse around to keep us on our toes.

kindly,

Alexandra, I found it takes a crappy session or so every now and then to get some of the crap out? It kind of backlights the good sessions. It's not comfortable and causes challenges of its own but also shows up one's strengths; you haven't cut or worse, despite things being crappy. Frustration is actually a "good" feeling because it is supposed to help us want to work harder, to press forward, figure out solutions, get the dimensions of the problems better, etc. I find it's kind of like anger in that respect; anger can be a motivator too if one lets it.

At one point I got really good at reading and "thinking" about therapy at the same time; I'd read teen fiction; Lloyd Alexander's books, Madelaine L'Engle, Harry Potter, that sort of thing and would be "triggered" by similarities in the hero(ine)'s life and mine. I remember distinctly trying to distract myself with reading when my therapist was away for six weeks the first time, was desperately trying not to "think" but, looking back on it now (this was in the late 1970's) I was beginning to use my therapy/therapist and what we were doing together and how much it really meant to me, etc. and the books were a way to "access" that when my T wasn't there. The books sort of stood in for the inside of me I had trouble expressing but the triggering was the therapist/therapy side of me so it was like being in a good session and not knowing it :-)

I hope you start feeling better, maybe come up with a "plan" for while your T's away with your wonderful mindfulness exercises and maybe a diary/journal, etc. I bought the little blue books you take college exams in, the little 7-8 page things (14-16 pages counting both sides) and kept one for each week my T was away once and snail mailed them to her office at the end of each week. It was very comforting and helped me count the weeks and see them go by.

i've heard... i've heard that the feelings will out.

if you don't process them by talking about them then what happens is you engage in them and show them with your action in how you relate to your therapist (and to other people in your life too).

over and over and over.

and of course you can try and defend by numbing. but that has its cost.

and of course you can try and defend by mustering the opposite of what you need (like pushing them away).

but it doesn't really do much good.

but what are the defences for?

protection.

what will happen?

might fall apart :-(

people say exposure / flooding is a good thing...
but some people DO die of heart attacks...
and i have been known to disintegrate (episodes of psychosis and missing time and attempted suicide).

i just...

maybe it was that i needed my father. i loved him so much and i needed him to protect me from my mother and love me.

and he was avoidant. had half his mind on escape. and he left me. and didn't look back really. and i loved him. but he always struck me as kinda fragile. he couldn't do anything to protect me really. would kind of stand aside with this helpless and cornered look on his face while my mother hit me. when i was little i just wanted to protect him.

the rage came later.

mostly the part of me that internalised my mother...

provokes people to treat me (metaphorically) like my mother did
(like bob)

then her rage came out
(at him)

first time that ever happened.

and it is partly her rage. but it is partly my rage too. at the helplessness. when you need someone to stand up for you and protect you. and they can't face it. to see the despair on their face. its kinda worse than what my mother did to me. seeing my fathers response.

and i guess i just went numb.

but now i feel mad. incompetent people. can't face them. i remember saying to the councellor 'it is much better now that they have split up 'cause now they don't fight anymore'. but it was more about... i wanted him to be happier. and her watching her hate and hurt me was killing him. and she would turn on him too of course and that was killing him too.

so he left and i just take one for the team or something.

for the good of the group.

and round and round and round i go.

and i can't even escape this %#@&#! online. in fact i think it makes it worse. online disinhibition effect or something.

and i guess i'm putting him in the role of the helpless onlooker too. i'm starting to sense thatin his response / reaction to me. a kind of a helplessness... a sense of inadequacy... and it is his reaction / response to me... a response to something that i'm doing...

and i hope he realises that.

negative transference is hard too. just like positive transference can be hard. and they are all blended and mixed up all together. and i wish i had a mute button.

i'm sorry.

and so i guess it is about therapists mortality after all.

crappy crap crap

Alex, I'm with you. There is no greater pain than continuing therapy I am learning. Lets think of it like this, most people probably don't do the "hardwork" and quit.

I read that 80-90% of people in therapy quit by session 12. Is it because they are "better" or afraid to continue?

I had a very very bad week and weekend myself but I also had some enlightenments. I'm realizing my attachment to my T for what it is. It is based on unmet needs from my dad. I try to attach myself to many people. I need a relationship with my bosses for example because without that any criticism I get from them means "they don't like me"...

I still feel that I truly like my T and feel he is part of my "family" but I also realize that this may just be the transference talking. He would probably say that it is.

You had a bad session but you will have many more good sessions because you are strong enough to ramble on...

I need to remember this post for when I have my next meltdown...giggle

....................."but what are the defences for?

protection.

what will happen?

might fall apart :-(".............................

And if you do, your t will be there to help you pick yourself back up, It's the vulnerable side, the side that has no explanation yet needs to be 'outed' in order to grow. Compensating where the parentals left you void is so repeated throughout our relationships.....we do it everyday. YOU are seeing this alex. you are seeing this. this is so much more than they did for you.

And, nobody validated you, you looked around, you yearned for help/love/comfort/protection.....and you were left to fend for yourself. You won't let that happen again, I get that and so does your t. He may need to disspel some validation upon you......which, yes, requires a bit of transferense and yes, is very scary. Don't fight it, just try to accept. You are worth the validation and you are worth getting to know and subsequently, love.

You'll get through his absence, and then it will probably go up, up and up from there.....

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almeda24fan said:
I read that 80-90% of people in therapy quit by session 12. Is it because they are "better" or afraid to continue?

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I wonder if it is because many insurance plans only pay for 10-12 outpatient mental health visits? There is pressure on mental health providers who are participating providers to do their job quickly, not to provide extended therapy. Or else they might get dropped by the plan. My husband just got new health insurance and it pays for only 12 visits a year. The description of the MH benefit says something like "the majority of our plan participants find 12 visits more than adequate." I hate that. Like not only will they not pay for more than 12, but they try to make people who need more than 12 feel abnormal. I did check with my husband's new plan, and of course, they won't cover any of my therapy visits. I hate insurance.

i think the idea is that at some points i looked to my father for protection or help or soothing...

and what i saw there was some mixture of horror and disgust and confusion and avoidance (a kind of dissociation maybe).

and seeing that look on his face was harder for me than being hit by my mother or her screaming at me or whatever.

thats probably why i don't / won't look.

and i guess thats why i don't want to need my t.

because part of me is my mothers vengence and rage.

and it attacks me sometimes and he can't save me from that...
(like my dad couldn't save me from my mother)

and how will he react if / when he sees that?

and what will happen if / when it turns on him?

so i need to not feel involved. i need to not need him. i need to not care so much about him. i can cope with her alone (it is hard but i managed for 7 years and i've managed since then). but if he is there and i start to need him / want him to help me...

then that would be bad.

real bad.

thats why it was better when he left. 'cause i didn't have to see that look on his face anymore. maybe i confused his feelings for her for his feelings for me. but it was an emotional response to the whole interaction, i guess. a response to the both of us. he didn't want me to need him. and if my mother saw that i was looking to him it would only make her rage even worse.

when he left i managed to get through by believing that he was planning on taking me away from her at some point. he just needed to learn to cook and set up a place and stuff. he would take me away from her at some point. i realised when i was 14 that that wasn't going to happen. thats when i ran away and social welfare became involved and they put me in a home.

it wasn't her hitting / hating me that was the worst. it was his avoidance / rejection / dissociation from the situation (from me). appreciating the full force of that...

i just want to die. i get strong urges to cut and stab myself. to jump off things. to hit myself in the head. to run into walls. to take od's.

and i go a bit nuts...

psychotic episodes. missing time... i have so many injuries and scars from this...

so the answer (thus far) has been to avoid attachment. if you don't feel attached then you won't freak out at perceived rejection / abandonment.

because it is one hell of a risk.

and maybe... just maybe... i'm not well enough for therapy after all.

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alexandra_k said:
i think the idea is that at some points i looked to my father for protection or help or soothing...

and what i saw there was some mixture of horror and disgust and confusion and avoidance (a kind of dissociation maybe).

and seeing that look on his face was harder for me than being hit by my mother or her screaming at me or whatever.

thats probably why i don't / won't look.

and i guess thats why i don't want to need my t.

because part of me is my mothers vengence and rage.

and it attacks me sometimes and he can't save me from that...
(like my dad couldn't save me from my mother)

and how will he react if / when he sees that?

and what will happen if / when it turns on him?

so i need to not feel involved. i need to not need him. i need to not care so much about him. i can cope with her alone (it is hard but i managed for 7 years and i've managed since then). but if he is there and i start to need him / want him to help me...

then that would be bad.

real bad.

thats why it was better when he left. 'cause i didn't have to see that look on his face anymore. maybe i confused his feelings for her for his feelings for me. but it was an emotional response to the whole interaction, i guess. a response to the both of us. he didn't want me to need him. and if my mother saw that i was looking to him it would only make her rage even worse.

when he left i managed to get through by believing that he was planning on taking me away from her at some point. he just needed to learn to cook and set up a place and stuff. he would take me away from her at some point. i realised when i was 14 that that wasn't going to happen. thats when i ran away and social welfare became involved and they put me in a home.

it wasn't her hitting / hating me that was the worst. it was his avoidance / rejection / dissociation from the situation (from me). appreciating the full force of that...

i just want to die. i get strong urges to cut and stab myself. to jump off things. to hit myself in the head. to run into walls. to take od's.

and i go a bit nuts...

psychotic episodes. missing time... i have so many injuries and scars from this...

so the answer (thus far) has been to avoid attachment. if you don't feel attached then you won't freak out at perceived rejection / abandonment.

because it is one hell of a risk.

and maybe... just maybe... i'm not well enough for therapy after all.

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To avoid attachment... because it's a risk... exactly, Alex. That's what I've been saying all along.

But I f*ed up, and ended up getting attached to several things. And they aren't all humans. They are:

My husband
My T
My birds
My schooling/career

And now instead of feeling good because I have things to love, I have created more anxiety, and more freaking out at the perceived abandonment/rejection.

More frantic attempts to avoid this perceived abandonment, more horrific visualizations and ruminations of what can happen to the things I love, more things to lose.

Trying to figure out how I can screw up the relationships and commitments on my own terms before they can get rid of me first.

Others might perceive these commitments and relationships as good. I tend to perceive them as "I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it."

I love my husband so much. But boy, do I know how to f*** up a relationship.

..........."and how will he react if / when he sees that?

and what will happen if / when it turns on him?".............

Very fair questions, you need to hear the answers. Can you (will you) ask t what will happen if.........
I did that in order for me to try to trust my t. Her answers, although required me to try to trust her, were surprising. Give him a shot at answering you here.

....................."it wasn't her hitting / hating me that was the worst. it was his avoidance / rejection / dissociation from the situation (from me). appreciating the full force of that..."

((((alex)))) I'm so sorry.....this has affected you so much and I am so sorry for that.

..................."so the answer (thus far) has been to avoid attachment. if you don't feel attached then you won't freak out at perceived rejection / abandonment.

because it is one hell of a risk.

and maybe... just maybe... i'm not well enough for therapy after all. ".........................................

Yes, you've done a great job at avoiding attachments. But you've also said you wish for a relationship and that you can be lonely. So, i guess the questions is, can you muster the strength to start risking? Even a little one with t? Let yourself attach a bit? It is ok. That is what he's there for, To teach you about healthy attachments and see you through when/if it gets unhealthy or frightening. But, this would require you to allow a bit of an attachment. To put yourself out there just a wee bit. Tell him you're afraid to get stung (i bet he knows this).

You are "well enough" for therapy alex. You are so intelligent and articulate and dynamic, i can tell this without even meeting you in person! Give yourself more credit. You are worth the risk lovely one. You are worth the risk....

((((((alex)))))))