[just2b]

So I am a part in a DID system, a teenager. Last session I told T I love her. She doesn't say anything, but wonders if it made me feel better having said it. It was a big build up to have it finally blurted out. After I went inside so Host could get home only to come back out and write a hate you email to T. Then hours later to write I am sorry, please don't be mad. I see I am a bit borderline. Anyway, she says she cares, and that's it. I am sure she knows best, but I am wondering what is it like to have your feelings of love validated by your T? Has it made your relationship better or is it uncomfortable? Host doesn't love T. And T told me it's uncomfortable for host and that I need to beanie to tolerate my feelings and not influence host or to go where parts go so she can work with host and other parts. I think if T would say it to me it would help me yet feel also that I would certainly attach to it. It would increase my desire to be around her all the time. So I guess that isn't normal right?

[growlycat]

I don't know what it is like to have DID-maybe your therapist felt torn because different parts need different things? My long term T has said I love you too on occasion. I found it healing. But if within your system one part wants it badly an another does not it must be hard to know what to do.

If I wanted to hear "I love you" and T says nothing in return I imagine I'd feel rejected like crazy

[musinglizzy]

For me it was very healing. Because it just felt to me, coming from my T, that she meant it. People "just say it" all the time. But my T not only said it, but showed me in ways I never had to question it. But my T was also not consistent in her modalities, and ended up taking those words away, as well as some actions that "proved it" to me.

So knowing what I know now, I'd rather not have heard it. If you are one who can hear it, hold those words with you without needing to hear them again sometime, then I'd feel safe letting that happen. But having my T use them, then change her mind and tell me the use of those words was not "genuine," was damaging to me.

I found a lot of peace, comfort, and healing in these three words, I love you," from my therapist. It's over two years post termination, and those words still resonate with me in good and bad times. I also, let her know I hated her at times. I learned from her, that holding both love and hate in the same hand did not negate my love for her. This understanding came about after my teenager was behaving horridly, towards me specifically. I hate you, was screaming to get from my heart to my mouth, not necessarily to my son, but in the therapy room. Thinking back I wished I could have said it to my kid, but that's not me. Through all these thoughts I believed I was the worst mother in the world. My belief is, both love and hate can exist in the same person. The adult, functioning me, cares about my ex therapist, but it's the little kid that loves her, and uses the memories as needed. I hope the above makes sense.

There is nothing wrong with attaching to it. It may increase your need/want to be around her...or it could start to satisfy you enough to trust her and the process more to help you heal. IMHO.

[rainbow8]

My T has never said the words in order "I love you" but she has said she feels love for me and that she has a special place in her heart for me. She signs her emails "Love T" all the time now. I had been signing mine "Love" also but lately I've been leaving it off. I feel good when I see it written to me, but I now think I'd feel weird if she said "I love you." I know how she feels about me and it's good enough!

I personally think it is unethical for a therapist to say those words to a client. Having love for the client is fine or whatever (weird and creepy to me) but saying the words could help OR harm and you never know which one might happen. I think it's just wrong and reckless.

My t and i tell each other i love you almost every time we talk. It feels very good. No one in my life has ever really loved the real me. It makes me feel a little safer when she says it.

[luvnola]

My t never has and I wouldn't expect it. She only knows what I present to her within 50 minutes, once a week, so while she knows a lot about me and things I've never told anyone else, she doesn't know all of me or what I"m like day in, day out in my normal life. Plus, I pay her. If I were to quit paying her, she would quit seeing me. I don't bail on people I love when they can't offer me something; a t bails when payment stops.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

It has been very healing and comforting for me. She shows that she loves and cares about me in her actions along with her words. I treasure that. Not a lot of people do that these days.

[just2b]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Going through a rough patch right now.

[precaryous]

My hearing is bad but I think T said that to me as we ended our session last week.

Now, I can either ask her if she said it when we meet next session...or I can wait to see if she says it again.

I feel very comforted by the thought...but it also makes me nervous, given my disasterous history with T's and "love."

[Bipolar Warrior]

It was a bit surreal, to be honest. I tried to convince myself that I had misheard her, but I knew I hadn't.

A few weeks later, after the Christmas break, we were talking about boundaries, and how she knows she is crossing some of them. I made a joke about how all boundaries have been shattered at this point, and she laughed. Then, without specifying what I was talking about, I said, "You know, I walked away telling myself that you hadn't just said that." And she replied, "I did say it. I said I love you." She told me that it just sort of slipped out during our hug, but that she really does love me.

Before that she had been saying things like, "I love that about you," and, "What's not to love about you?" But it's very different to hear the words "I love you", somehow. Or maybe that's just me.

What scares me is how much I love her.

[Petra5ed]

I have no idea. My therapist won't say those words.

He might not feel that way, so saying he cant say it is a lot less awkward then saying he doesn't love me. Love means such different things to different people.

I kind of hate this about therapy. On it's face I know I'm dealing with a guy putting on an act. He's a therapist, so on it's face his act is to be therapeutic. Naturally I start to feel relaxed, and like this guy, he's being so nice. But does he really mean the things he's saying, or is it just part of the act? He can't say... part of the rules you see.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I have no idea. My therapist won't say those words.

He might not feel that way, so saying he cant say it is a lot less awkward then saying he doesn't love me. Love means such different things to different people.

I kind of hate this about therapy. On it's face I know I'm dealing with a guy putting on an act. He's a therapist, so on it's face his act is to be therapeutic. Naturally I start to feel relaxed, and like this guy, he's being so nice. But does he really mean the things he's saying, or is it just part of the act? He can't say... part of the rules you see.

I see my T today. If I get enough nerve I'll ask her if she's putting on an act though of course she wouldn't say yes to that. I think Ts are genuine but it's their most compassionate side we're seeing. That doesn't mean it's an act, does it?

I would not expect those words to be said to me by a therapist. I expect a therapist to give me her mind, not her love.

[Soccer mom]

I told my ex-T that I loved her and I agree that it seemed more from the child part of me. But, I felt it and I have a hard time telling others so it was a good thing for me to risk. She just said thank you in response but later I told her I didn't expect her to say it because I can tell and she nodded. Because I didn't expect her to say it, it didn't hurt for her not to.

I'm sure my current/new T. will say it at some point. There are so many things to consider - one's personality, the issues of the client, beliefs about what is love, etc. Current T. is a very warm and caring person so it would be comfortable for her to say it. I think she feels there needs to be more love in this world and not less or fear around expressing it. I don't think ex-T. was ever going to be able or willing to be that vulnerable with me. She cared but I think she also protected herself.

We are all different and our T.'s are all different. It just needs to be what works for you and your T.

[stopdog]

I certainly hope never to hear such words from a therapist.
I would think the woman had gone mad.

[rainbow8]

I DID ask my T whether she's acting/playing a role with me. She said no, definitely not, and she said I could quote one of her teachers who said a T should not treat someone whom he/she does not love. I said, do you mean like? She said, no, LOVE, but the kind you feel for people other than romantic love, like in the book, Love 2.0.

[PinkFlamingo99]

It felt warm and safe and amazing until she hurt me and then it almost killed me. I still think about it and want to shred myself to pieces.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I DID ask my T whether she's acting/playing a role with me. She said no, definitely not, and she said I could quote one of her teachers who said a T should not treat someone whom he/she does not love. I said, do you mean like? She said, no, LOVE, but the kind you feel for people other than romantic love, like in the book, Love 2.0.

I agree with her. If my primary wound is not feeling loved, how is it helping to fall in love with yet one more person who cant love me back.