ok, this is really a continuance from my other thread... but i need feedback now on this letter as i am planning to give to my T today. i am just pasting in what i wrote... please, urgent feedback!

Hi X

i don’t feel it. i just don’t, and i don’t know what to do. What i mean is i just don’t feel you care one way or another, i don’t feel anything from you most of the time. We have productive talks about my situation and the surface feelings, but even then most of the time the word “feeling” is easily substituted with “thinking,” as in “how do you feel about X?” can really be how do i think about X.

Look, i know i want things to go slow.. there is no change in that, i can’t deal with fast because... well, that’s a longer story, but i just can’t. We have to do a lot of crisis management because my life is a train wreck, a continual train wreck. i know you can’t push me too hard because i am trying to balance so much and i have been doing this so long i have few reserves to fall back on. i have a history of deep depression and self-destructive behaviour. i know all of that. i know the position that puts you in. But something has to change or happen or something and i don’t even know what that something is.

A lot of what i want/need takes time. Building a relationship takes time. Great, fine, wonderful. i got that part. But, frankly, it isn’t going to happen, even over time, if i can’t get any of what i asking for. i am trying to make an emotional plea to you that i cannot make in person, although today i intend to at least try to some degree. So, on one hand i am trying to address you from a place of a sort of vulnerability, but on the other i am frustrated and somewhat angry... mostly with myself for not expressing what i want adequately, but also with you for not getting it. You said “... too much of it [empathy/sympathy/etc] and all it [our sessions] becomes is support...” That set me on fire. i am thinking “wtf is wrong with that from time to time?” What is the problem with needing you for support periodically or temporarily? And yes, i said need. i understand the desire, or need, for progress and productive work, but damn it, I also need that supportive environment or this train ain’t leaving the station.

i was so excited when i thought you understood. i think you do, more than you did, but i need something that isn’t happening. Why don’t you ever ask me more about the feeling side? We are doing crisis management, but the situation surrounds Michael... why don’t you ever ask me about the things he has done? Or the way those things made me feel? i have told you some of it and we have never talked about them in depth in any way. My hope when i began with you was a recognition of the cycle i was stuck in and an understanding of words about events that i can’t even say. You seemed to really intellectually “get” what i meant when i mentioned that cycle people, mostly women, get caught in. That was rewarding, or validating if your prefer. Given the events currently unfolding, wouldn’t it help to talk about that?

My feeling side, which is so different and distinct from my thinking side it is almost it’s own entity, is having a tantrum. Sometimes i think about just quitting therapy altogether and just trying to stuff it all back into where ever it came from and just do whatever i can to muck through the same way i always have. i very much want to stop life from just being something that happens to me and make it into something i actively participate in.

i don’t know what to do or say. Even if you feel you can’t push me or explore deeper feelings right now, i need you to tell me that directly. If there is some other reason i need to know what it is. If it simply is that you can’t/don’t operate that way then i need to know that too. The latter would make me very sad indeed. i need reassurance or something. i don’t know and i need your help with that.

i will tell you something that might help, if per chance you are unsure of what connects with me... the times when we have touched on things which are emotionally charged are the times when i have felt more connection with you. The time i got anxious, and times when we have touched, albeit lightly, on difficult subjects. There is concrete change in you as well as me in those moments. That is what i need i think. i am not ready or able to delve into much of that, especially the past, not yet... but i think there are plenty of things on the table which have emotional content we could talk about. i don’t know how much i can be pushed with those but i am willing to find out. i am willing to because i think it would strengthen the bond and i need that badly right now. i don’t have time to wait for it grow. The strength over time is all fine, but in the current situation i am in i need some of that now. i also need to know it can happen at all. i need to know that we will go places that i need to go and that i have a safe place to do that, an environment that is different than the original one... isn’t that the point?

i am sorry if this sounds worse or angrier than it is... my intent is to make that plea, from my feeling side. i don’t think you are responding to the emotions underneath, i think you are responding to the appearance i give you. i am pleading with you to see.. i need to feel that you see, that you hear.

i have no idea if any of this makes sense.

too late i have to leave to see my chiro and i won't be back before T time (no pun intended). i'd still appreciate input, but please no negative stuff... i will already be fretting over what i have said.

thanks anyway

sorry i didnt see it sooner. I wish you good luck. Remember sometimes these letters are meant to help us thinking deeper about how we realate to people. YOu did a good job of asking what you needed. Thats a good step forward and it will actually help bring you and your therapist closer, if he/she is a good therapist. You have my support!!!

ev

[Lothlorien]

I think the letter was a good idea, I hope to helps you connect with your T.

My T seems a bit aloof at times when I wish she would just hold my hand. I know there are boundaries that must exist but sometimes I need the emotional connection too. I think that's how we build trust.

Well that's enough from me. I wish well, and I'll bet your letter will be of great help. (((gerber)))

Lothlorien

[MissCharlotte]

Sorry ((Gerber)) I didn't see this sooner.

I think the letter is great!!! I once wrote a long letter to T and it wound up being the catalyst for a greater depth of understanding beween us.

Good luck.

[lauren_helene]

I think the letter is perfect. You are pouring out your emotions, feelings and thoughts.

Good for you.

Um, would you mind making a couple copies of that letter and sending it to all of our T's? That is a beautiful letter that encompasses so many of the feelings that I think we all go through in therapy. You have a lot of courage to give that to your T.