I feel like I'm entering a new phase of therapy with my T. I am starting to trust him, and today I was saying it felt like a secure attachment, which is weird because my attachment style is usually insecure.
In spite of boundaries being a major problem between T1 and I ( with whom I had an insecure attachment - which I think was mutual) T2 and I have never had a conversation about boundaries. The two particular times I felt rejected by T1 were around hugs and gifts. I felt like I didn't need that discussion with T2 because I didn't think I would ever want to hug him or give him a gift. Now I find myself fantasising about doing both!
I have noticed recently our interactions have shifted. I sent him a link to a poem I wrote, and he said he read some of my other poems on the site, which made me feel cared for, and also I felt like I was letting him into a part of my life he was seperate from. He has told me little extra things about himself (just like 'I bought that clock in my first year of private practice' -nothing big) but it feels meaningful in the context of our evolving interaction.
I always end the session dead on the hour, and I have told him it's because I don't want him to end the session because I fear that rejection, but the last couple of sessions I have gone over a couple of minutes before I've stopped. That in itself seems like a small test of his boundaries.
I don't know where this has currently come from and I want to make sense of it. I know I should talk to him about it (I have a week to wait) but I feel like turning up at the next session with a gift
I don't know how this relates to my training to be a T. I start seeing clients (as a trainee) in the autumn so the boundaries are perhaps blurring somewhat, at least subconsciously.
I wish I could figure out - why now? What does this desire mean?
Thanks for reading!

Hi Echos Myron,
I can really relate to what you are saying because you describe the transition from an insecure to a secure attachment so well.
I found myself that when I had a t who could provide me with the safety and containment I needed I didn't need to test her boundaries because somehow I knew she could hold me. I think your t has held you in a similar way and no the transference has increased because he has begun to share and treat you as a trainee. Sometime I find with a lot of disclosures that I want to know more about t, is this a part of it for you? I don't find myself testing the boundaries as much now because t has met me every time I have tested her boundaries. She has never given up or gave out to me, she understands because she has been there.
Perhaps you are testing your t because you can't believe that he is still there for you and a part is trying to see if you can push him away!

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Btw, I started seeing clients this year and just wanted to wish you the best of luck

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Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hi Echos Myron,
I can really relate to what you are saying because you describe the transition from an insecure to a secure attachment so well.
I found myself that when I had a t who could provide me with the safety and containment I needed I didn't need to test her boundaries because somehow I knew she could hold me. I think your t has held you in a similar way and no the transference has increased because he has begun to share and treat you as a trainee. Sometime I find with a lot of disclosures that I want to know more about t, is this a part of it for you? I don't find myself testing the boundaries as much now because t has met me every time I have tested her boundaries. She has never given up or gave out to me, she understands because she has been there.
Perhaps you are testing your t because you can't believe that he is still there for you and a part is trying to see if you can push him away!

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Thanks so much Mona. it's really helpful that you can relate to how I'm feeling at the moment. I don't think I feel the desire to know more about his life outside of therapy, but I do feel like I want to know more about him as he exists in our relationship. The nuances of his feelings towards me and the relationship. I suppose I'm at a crossroads about how I deal with that. Do I verbalise it or test it? The logical part of my brain says of course you discuss it, the other part says, wouldn't you get a more authentic answer if you tested it?
All that has been occurring at a subconscious level until it came to my awareness today when I suddenly visualised hugging him in session.
It's great that you don't feel the need to test the boundaries any more and trust her to hold your feelings. I suppose perhaps that's how I will feel once I've dealt with these last subconscious feelings?
Thanks for your good wishes.

I think that subconsciously we will always test others boundaries and especially our ts. I think that's a healthy part of growing into our authentic self.
If you were to hug your t, what would it mean for you to receive a hug from him?
What is it that you want from a t hug?
Maybe it means nothing more than you appreciate the work you are doing together and that you are being heard by your t.
What kind of t is your t, perhaps you could talk about him and your relationship in session in the here and now! My t was gestalt and it was all about our relationship with each other and what was happening in the room.
I think this could be an interesting conversation for you to have with your t and it could open up the work even more.


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Originally Posted by monalisasmile

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If you were to hug your t, what would it mean for you to receive a hug from him?
What is it that you want from a t hug?

Those are really good questions. In terms of what it would mean to me, I suppose it would confirm an acceptance of me, in spite of all I've told him, and also it would somehow acknowledge the way our relationship has evolved. When I met him I was highly guarded and saw him as a consultant T while I decided whether or not to return to T1. I was terrified of being hurt again and would not let him in any further than was absolutely necessary. Now I have told him some deep things, and he has never changed. That's a consistency and acceptance I've never felt before.
With regards to what I want from a hug, well, I'm not sure that I do want one. The thought is comforting, but it would feel weird I think in reality. I'm not sure. I guess I probably need to discuss it with him!

I guess a hug means different things to different people, to me it would be a source of comfort. Strange since I would consider t that (most of the time) but I would never want a hug from her.
If it is a source of acceptance you seek, why not talk to him about the possibility of a hug. Sounds like You have made huge progress with this t already. Maybe for now the thought of a hug is enough of a comfort!

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Thanks Mona, yes I have made great progress with him. I don't think comfort is what I need from him; you are right it's interesting how things mean something different to different people, and indeed every client seeks something different from the therapy relationship.
I certainly feel like I should talk to him about this, and actually I might share what I wrote here too.