[WinterRose]

I've been crying a little each day since June 18th due to my pdoc changing offices and possibly abandoning me. I've been rather desperate. The emails I've sent him sound crazy when I read them. I'm poking sticks in beehives everywhere. I even considered ODing briefly- more for attention than anything else. Anyways ... My T called me to talk and make sure I was ok and not still stuck on the OD idea and to see if I felt like I needed to be in the hospital (isn't that nice - she asked me.) I'm not in that place anymore, so I said no. <font color="#000088"> She said I get a free 5 minute phone call every day this week and she promised to call me on Wednesday (the holiday where I have nothing to do and no one to be with.)</font> We talked about how some practitioners fear their patients becoming dependent, but that she believes you need to be free/allowed to feel dependent so I could work through that. It's the dependency that is causing all the pain with pdoc. The call was emotional because she's the only one I can talk to and admit these things to. No one else really wants to hear about it or can understand it anyways.

What confuses me is why do I cry and feel so much pain when someone reaches out to me and shows me that they care?

Then there's more - she did say she had someone else in mind that I could see instead of my old pdoc who has more experience and would not be scared by the dependency thing. And he is male which is important. But let me ask you - how do you start over? How do you create a new bond? It took a while to do that and it may take too long to regain it if it's at all possible. I feel like I'm losing an awful lot. And I still need what I'm losing. I'm afraid I'll go back to feeling like just a patient again. Just someone to be analyzed and treated and not quite like a person needing support and compassion. Still, if I can't see my old pdoc (and maybe a change would be good even if I can still see him) this would be better than being pawned off on a 'nice German lady' who is new to the office and picking up the old pdoc's patients.

Right now I'm using the clonazepam to get me through until next Monday, July 9th, when I see my current (and maybe old) pdoc. (You know, secretly I hope I do break down in his office.)

[pachyderm]

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WinterRose said:

I'm poking sticks in beehives everywhere.

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That sounds good.

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What confuses me is why do I cry and feel so much pain when someone reaches out to me and shows me that they care?

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Because it is so rare?

WinterRose.. I feel so much the pain of what you are going through. I'm so sorry. I feel the same way when my T reaches out to me sometimes. Its very hard to take. It makes me not push away the pain, and also to realize someone cares which hurts as much as it helps sometimes. Maybe creating this bond can be gradual. It seems like you are taking small steps towards opening up and becoming connected. Thats a bond to me. Just wanted to send you my encouragement.

ev

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( WinterRose )))))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

(((WinterRose)))

How do you start over? This is a question worth exploring with T. She sounds very caring, and maybe that can be the topic of one of your 5 minute sessions.

As far as the 2 different new Pdoc possibilities, why not meet with each one once, to interview them? Then pick whichever one you feel most comfortable with?

Just a thought.

Take gentle care....

[WinterRose]

Thanks Sister. I'd like to, but I'm afraid they'd charge me for it and my insurance will only cover one more visit. I don't want to waste it when I really need some support.

I got the letter from his corporate office today officially announcing that he is leaving and talking about his replacement. They didn't even spell my name right on the letter and he (the CEO Doctor) didn't bother to sign it. Talk about compassion.

[WinterRose]

In fact I went a little crazy and faxed both the office I go to and the office that the CEO is in about the situation complaining. I couldn't stop myself from ranting at them. Who knows what they'll think of me now or what damage I've done to my future.

I called T for my 5 minutes afterwards. She'll see if she can come up with names of local psychiatrists that might work for me. Afterall - the problem is that you can't get referrals due to confidentiality. I can't talk to a current or past patient and get their impressions. Maybe someone will answer my questionnaire - that would be a good sign that I could work with them.

[MissCharlotte]

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They didn't even spell my name right on the letter and he (the CEO Doctor) didn't bother to sign it. Talk about compassion.

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Yuck. Then there's your answer. I would try the pdoc that T recommends! Your T knows you well, and a personal recommendation is better than a general sort of substitution. Even though your insurance will only pay for one, that doesn't mean you have to stay with the first one you see. Just make sure you get enough medication to cover you for a couple of months (from current pdoc) while you sort out the best care for you.