it's been rough

I have been depressed for a bit, was upset a few days ago because my boyfriend got mad at me and for the right reason. But what bothers me is that when he is mad or angry he gets quiet, that I cannot stand. He rarely shows anger and on occassion has shown violence, not towards me but it was enough to make me nervous and triggered.

I think though in 'daydreams' about my ex, the things he use to do to me, the grabbing on the back of the neck ect. This happened when i told my BF that i was going up to bed since he was mad at me, he made no move to stop me or even said one word, just ignored me. So I went up to bed, basically cried for a bit, don't know how long I was because I didn't bother looking at the clock. I started to think of my abusive ex, and the stuff he used to do to me, and then the daydreams shifted and I started to have some thoughts of my present BF, why?

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<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I'm sorry you are feeling sad and confused.

I think it's really normal to have the kind of associations you are having. Basically, the conflict with present bf has brought up memories of how old bf handled conflict. And new bf's violence (not directed at you, as yet) reminds you of old bf's violence (directed at you).

I have been with h for 11 years and I still get triggered although he has never hit me. But he throws stuff and slams stuff and I get scared. First off, that IS violence and he SHOULDN'T do it... too, with a past history of abuse, of course that kind of behavior is triggering.

Anyway, I think where your thoughts went makes sense.

I hope bf and you are on speaking terms again. I know it's hard when someone gets quiet, h is very much like that. I think it is even harder when we are used to being yelled at or hit... even though we don't like that stuff, at least it means we are being noticed, and, besides, it's familiar. It's unsettling to just be ignored. Inside, we are expecting abuse, and sort of preparing ourselves, but it doesn't come and on top of that there is this new kind of "agression" -- the silence -- which we have no experience with and don't know how to process or respond to.

Geeesh... but I babble.

hang in there, L

Manadla

He is aware of my past, that's why I walk away, he does apologize but I guess he doesn't completely understand it. He would never direct it at me, and become violent with me, I know that .... I have pissed him off from time to time but he also pisses me off. When he is mad he is silent, bottles stuff up and I know one day he'll erupt, i know though that it wont be me he takes it out on because the anger I didn't cause.

With his behaviour i've told him that he is making me anxious an triggered.....I don't know what he's said .. cannot remember because it is rare. But you are right if he wants to get mad he has to make sure i'm not around. But he wont know it bothers me unless I've told him.

Silence does bother me especially if it's me that caused the tension and try to talk about it but he doesn't talk to me at all.....so eventually I just got up and left.

On saturday he made a plan to go for a hike, knew I couldn't go because of proper shoes i didn't have for the weather but it bothered me because I felt excluded from it. Hurt my feelings.

But anyways things are better now.

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<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

((((Sundance)))
My boyfriend sounds a like yours in how he likes to be active. I am not nearly so active and sometimes he too makes plans knowing that he is excluding me. It tends to start a good deal of our fights, but then we talk and usually the problem gets settled.
I do not know why I posted this and feel like I am rambling. I just wanted to let you know that I am here and understand.

Jessica

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB

Thanks Jessica.

It's just frustrating. There seems to be a bit of a strain, and I think it's because i'm not working, i sit around all day etc. I don't remember the last time he told me he loved me first. just makes me sad you know.

Now i'm just depressing myself. Lovely.

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<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Why does depression always make it worse??

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<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

depression makes EVERYTHING worse sweetie; but you're so amazing at sorting things out in your head or on the forums out loud...this too will pass.
Good luck, and I'm thinking of you.
Jon

Sundance,
I am going to ask you a strange question that you do not have to answer. What Zodiac symbol are you and your boyfriend?
I understand what you mean...I still get upset that I feel like I am reaching out first with emotions and feelings. I have to realize that my boyfriend shows me he loves me by doing things for me (Like spending time with me and taking me out to dinner) but I am the type of person who likes to be told and shown by the little things (Like little love notes and sweet messages on my phone). Our problem is that we communicate in different ways. Maybe you and your boyfriend are the same way?

Jessica

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB

When we are alone we are intimate, hugs, tickling cheesy things like that. When he is annoyed, or frustrated he snaps at me. I talked to him for a long time on msn, he didn't realize that he was snippy with me and apologized.

He is a leo and I am a taurus.
I don't really believe in the signs and what they mean. I'm stubborn, I know that. Everyone knows that.

I think he is also frustrated because he wants better for me, he wants me to work, drive all of that and he is frustrated that I am not there yet. I sit around and really don't have a life which is true. I'm working on it however I can only go at my own pace but I think he knows that too, just can't help but be frustrated. Hell I'm more frustrated then he is...

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<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I hope that it stays away. Today I got out all morning, just came home back from the science musem with my family and niece.

I guess I'll have to see what night brings ...

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<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I just came over a rough patch the other night.

It SUCKED!

I was talking to my cousin over msn, talking about disorders, and what some of our family members suffer from. She is majoring in psychology... Anyways I started to ramble on about my stuff, then she asked the dreaded question.... I don't know what happened to you but you can tell me if you want? I told her alot of it, then I started to think about to "a" the abuse, the rape, the sexual assualts by the other 8 guys, the threat, and the harrassment and that sucked.

After that someone from that past (of the abusive ex) comes online, he used to hang out with all us back then when I was 16, we went out for a bit.. started to talk to him, but then it got me thinking about to "a" again... was frustrating.. but I enjoyed talking to him for that short amount of time.

Not long after that I say his name on another board that I moderate at. Obviously that wasn't him but it was in one of the abuse threads, and I started to feel uncomfortable ect.

Also I had a dream a few days back, a nightmare of being attacked, twince in the same dream. Last night I had some images of "a" and an ex coworker that sexually assualted me... then came other people and it just ended up in a snowball effect.

I ended up printing up some pages to bring into my next session on thursday.. just frustrating, you think you're doing good then this [censored] keeps coming up again.

Sundance, I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing this... I feel better that you are admitting that it is ptsd that continues to haunt you... try and remember that it is the ptsd and not "you" that continues to bring these things back up over and over.. it might make it just a little bit easier. It's the nature of the "beast."

Before I was diagnosed with PTSD or thought that it was in fact PTSD I didn't know what was wrong with me, all I knew is that I was feeling all this strange feelings, and I didn't know they were related to PTSD or symptoms of this disorder. Having a lable for it does make it easier.

Who knows maybe i'll have to deal with this forever, lets hope not.

Yes I understand finally having a label, and knowing that you aren't crazy! Mine was dx'd early because I had help from the accident, and it was clear enough and close enough to link it.

As for having to deal with it forever? Yeah, I think so. It isn't worth thinking about it that way, though. Everyone in the world has to deal with something the rest of their lives. It becomes more manageable with a good T's help. And who knows what break throughs they will find in the future???

I try to remind myself that there are millions of ppl in the world who have this disorder. I don't feel better knowing that so many are suffering, but knowing it isn't so out of the ordinary, does.

Are there any children in Ireland who don't have it? Think of all the 3rd world countries engaged in war, poverty and oppression... wouldn't they all have it? And, unfortunately, think of all the things that happen in our own countries: weather, fightings, and of course the now named "terrorism" and all the health service and emergency service workers!

It's going to be where stress management will have to be taught in middle school I think LOL! What a shame, but fact of life?

Thanks ((((skybark))))

I'd rather have a lable then not have one. For a year no one knew what was wrong with me until my family doctor said that I likely have anxiety, and then sent me to my psychiarist that i'm currently with and have been for 8 yrs and counting.

She is a great T, she is pushing me to do things, and if I didn't get the push i'd continue to be stuck, but it doesn't make it easy to do still. I'm dreading my appt tomorrow because I haven't done what I was supposed to do 2 weeks ago.

I'm ok with having to deal with this forever, I know that I might have too same with depression and anxiety and I can still live a normal happy life, a life that I want.. but getting it is hard.

Yeah, therapy is hard work!

Can you just begin to get started on your "home work?" Maybe just get out the materials, that's all, and set them on the table or where you will do the work? Whether it's just a journal or notes or something creative, this will give you a non-stressful beginning.... little steps er baby steps... don't think of the whole "project" of homework... First, do this. Then, try another chunk of it... and stop. Hope you can try... I think the anxiety and "guilt" is worse than the "try."

I know I wont feel guilty about putting in my resume.. I'd feel guilty if I got a call back and refused to go without cancelling that interview like I did so much in the past, or feeling guilt for chickening out the last second with an interview, or not being able to phone someone back. I think i have social anxiety too because when I have to call someone back regarding jobs i go to panic mode.

I did do most of the homework, writting down stuff to build my self confidence was hard, i'm hoping my psychiarist can try and help me out with it, when i'm feeling like this its hard to think up postive things about myself.

Just can't seem to do it.

And when people constantly remind me what I don't have or haven't done yet it makes it harder to go out and do it...

Gee I sure know how it feels... I had to get to the point of going ahead and doing, and making the going of it part of my therapy! Not caring (though I didn't want to, and often couldn't) how the outcome was. The outcome was never as bad as I feared it would be, even though my analysis of it was never totally accurate I think.

Try and do that, do you have medicine to take right before you need to begin to get ready? And remember, going to an interview is going to give you a better result than not going at all. Think of it as therapy!

I am taking a break from the whole job thing.

Me and my psychiarist came to the conclusion that I was only doing it because I was feeling pressured to do it, therefore was adding to my anxiety to the point of avoiding it. She thinks once people back off a bit and let me do this on my own and know that I can do it when i'm ready and work at my own pace that the anxiety will become less.

It worked in the past, I was applying for a ton of jobs when no one was forcing me to do it.

I am only on Remeron for anxiety.... obviously as well as depression and ptsd. I was on Ativan last year for a short time and had an adverse reaction to it. So staying away from the benzos. Better off that way.

My anxiety otherwise has been great... job anxiety is the worse for me right now. I've not avoiding working or applying, but I can't be pressured to do it. Know what I mean?

I might look into adult education and get my GED. But i'm too chicken [censored] to phone and get information.

Sounds like a plan...

Still didn't do any of that yet..
Don't think I will for awhile.