[Cleo6]

Hi I'm not really sure how to explain this. I've been in therapy since end of November and go every other week. At the last session my therapist asked me what things affect me on a regular basis. I started saying I didn't know and I don't talk about the bad stuff when she asked me why and gave this talk about how she hopes I can trust her I can't really remember much more all I remember is things looking dark and my mind was talking to me telling me how I should tell her about the csa but I physically couldn't speak and everything else was silent. All of a sudden I heard my therapist ask me what I was thinking which made me jump slightly and I could see my hands again and I had my hands in a fist with my nails digging into me. Normally I sit fidgeting with the sleeves on my jumper the whole time and the more anxious I get the more I fidget so I never sit completely still. I still couldn't tell her and I ended up saying about I need to cut my nails for work and she said it's a deflective answer. Normally I would respond but I just carried on saying about we need short nails for work. She then started talking about her nails have never been long as they break then I can't really remember much after that but I remember talking but can't remember what I was saying but I remember saying that I'm ok and she said in this really soft voice that she knows I'm ok and hearing her voice sort of brought me out of it. I was playing round with my sleeves the second time. Then the subject was changed I'm not sure who by though or how. Has anyone else experienced anything like this or knows what's going on. I'm going back on Monday as I've had a month off as she's been away and feeling really nervous about it cos of this

[Argonautomobile]

I'm really sorry you had this experience. Has anything like it ever happened before? It sort of sounds to me like you got emotionally overwhelmed. When my anxiety goes sky-high, I have trouble thinking straight, remembering things, speaking, and become alternately hyper or hypovigilant. Some people couch this in clinical terms, calling it "dissociation." It's a fairly common reaction to stress in survivors of CSA.

[baseline]

Cleo, Therapy is tough stuff. You have to trust and feel safe and depend on your T to help you. I did and still do the same things when it comes to difficult subjects or emotions. Sometimes I can't articulate all that is going on. CSA is such a difficult topic but when I finally was able to share it helped my T understand me so much better. Maybe you can tell her you would like to discuss something very important but you need to do it slowly at your own pace. It may feel worse at first but then it does get easier sometimes better sometimes just less scary or shameful. I think its great you are getting help and hope in time it will get easier. Good Luck

[Cleo6]

Thank you for your replies. It's the first time it's happened in therapy but I have felt like it sometimes in the evenings. I trust her and feel safe there I'm just struggling with depending on her as don't want to feel needy and struggling to tell her as she seems really nice and I don't want to contaminate my stuff on her, although I know it sounds mad it's just how it feels