T seems to take our relationship for granted

Thanks for sharing, it must have been hard to go through that many T:s not feeling the real connection. It´s nice hearing though that you now seem to have found one that cares about you and what you need in therapy.

Thanks. I agree T:s have to be able to adjust to clients and that doesn´t mean they change their modality but adjust their way of meeting with a client. It´s like other relationships I think, you adapt to a certain degree to the other person depending on the relationship.

As my T even said that she thinks the relationship is given by itself I think she sees it that way that she doesn´t need to make any effort to adjust a bit or to be more attuned to the clients personality. It´s easier to just go by the same method.

It feels not hopeful as I think my T is that kind of T who is willing to discuss to analyze but not to understand what I feel or to adjust to what I experience in the relationship with her. I also think she´s one of those T who refrain from clients in that way, she never let any more deep or true feelings in and she doesn´t ask me about feelings either. I now don´t talk about feelings like from a friend or partner but feelings that mean you can connect to and understand another human being.

Sounds like she has you labeled with BPD even if unspoken. That is how we were trained to treat BPD, shutting off emotion and adding a tad hostility. And demanding of the patient to want to come despite being treated like crap.

Why do you think it sounds like that? Anything special? Do you mean you work with patients with BPD?

No, I am not a professional in any shape or form, although I took plenty of psychology at uni and professors, some of them therapists themselves, explained the thinking behind different attitudes used for different types of disorders. Your experience reminded me a lot how "we" (if choosing that path) were supposed to treat patients with BPD.

The "logic" running that method was about this: The BPDer will always try to manipulate you, therefore you have to turn your feelings off. The BPDer will try to provoke you to feel something as a mean of taking control from you. Nothing a BPDer makes you feel is valid, it is a part of reactions they want out of you.

The BPDer cannot for one moment be allowed to believe she is special, that is it is just assumed you come to your appts and basically obey. The roles are strict, you are the patient, she is the therapist, she can do things you are not allowed to do because if you did them it is a sign of illness. All signs of illness should be ignored.

Since you are already meant to be subdued, you are supposed to trust this person blindly while she will never trust you, because BPDers cannot be trusted.

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Sounds weird? It was how psych school was in the 90s. That stuff should not be out there anymore but I know for a fact some therapists never left their old ways.

I hope I am wrong and that your therapist does not have this schooling and has a heart somewhere.

I also understand the very limited therapy options you have. Sweden is not a good country for mental health care unfortunately.

I am explaining it because you are missing the point, and continue to do so.

I think a therapist who works in a facility that sees clients who don't have many or any other options SHOULD be more flexible and willing to meet the client where their needs are. They shouldn't be so limited and inflexible and cold. That is just simply another issue I have with therapy.

Some will be more flexible and some won't be, regardless of what we think they should do or not do.
In a perfect world every therapist would automatically be perfectly suited to match the individual needs of every client, but this world ain't perfect.

Obviously the world isn't perfect. We wouldn't need therapists if it was. Not sure why you feel the need for sarcasm.

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Thanks. Yes, I think so to, a T who´s hired by public mental health care should have more adaptation skills than a T who can more freely choose his or her clients when working in a private practice.

Clients within public health care are more vulnerable in that respect that they can´t just quit and leave for another T and I think it´s odd that my T reasons in a way like she thinks a therapeutic relationship is just there. Not even if your´re totally "healthy" relationships are given to you.

Funny you should say this (not haha funny) but our public service health care T's are all like yours.

(I've had quite a few and its been confirmed by my current T)


I think for whatever reason (probably that its not designed for long term) they discourage patients and T's from getting too attached to each other.


Doesn't always work though, a lady who attends DBT with me, her individual sessions with our T has ended, which devastated her, now she keeps running into traffic trying to go IP so she can see him again.

(Hasn't worked tho btw)


I personally don't mind this therapeutic approach, it works for me and its the only one available, I would probably get the lines blurred and lose sight of my MH goals if I were focused on a therapeutic relationship.


How or why I "trust" a random guy with my deepest secrets without attempting to build a "relationship"?


I'll tell you what I told my T when he asked me this question....


Perspective: I trust him to do his job, not like I have bags and bags of free trust lying around to invest into temporary relationships anyway.


Anyway, didn't mean to ramble, sorry your T does not meet your requirements, I hope you guys can discuss it and work around it, or another T becomes available.

Something that is easy to do on forums like this is assume therapists are the same all over the world. I know many across the pond tried to tell me that my therapist only wanted to help me. I nearly bought it. Just because they had caring therapists didn't mean I did. I mean, when I see people talking about calling therapists off-hours, would be seen as stalking here, you have a time slot and you stick everything in there period! Having a crisis? Sorry but that is not your therapist's issue in this country. You have to go elsewhere with that.

Just a bit of warning if someone seems to complain a heck of a lot... the systems are different and here a therapist is oftentimes more like going to court or something, and that goes for seeing a regular doctor as well. We don't see them working FOR us really. The system is set up for us to obey them.

Then harm can be done if someone who only had caring health care starts questioning if this is the case really, because it is so easy to start thinking Maybe it is really me, maybe my doc cares and I don't see it etc... and you lull yourself into a false sense of safety until you see the doc next time. Wham! Wakeup!

In the US people are fooled into believing their therapists care and want to help. I'd have been much better off if I had realized that from the beginning of therapy. It really is just a business that might help a few people, but truthfully many are harmed. I used to think like many here that therapy was generally a helpful endeavor but I was horribly damaged by it.

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It isn't sarcasm at all. It is just the way it is.

In order to explain the lack of sarcasm more effectivelty, edited to add:
I agree that it absolutely would be better if therapists were perfectly matched to suit the style of each client, in much the same way that there would be little need for therapy if all parents were perfectly responsive to the unique needs of each of their children. But the world isn't that way, and it simply isn't helpful for anyone to say that therapists *should* do this or therapists *should* do that. Yes , it really would be great if that were the case! But coulding and shoulding is utterly ineffective in changing what is. The only thing that can change the outcome in a therapy situation where the therapist is notting and can'ting is to work within the boundaries of 'what is', or keep searching for a therapist who is better suited to our own individual needs (which, sadly, it is a trial and error process) until they find a therapist who CAN and DOES.

Because, as I have said before, not all can and will, and there is nothing that can make those who don't change.

Okay then. Thank you for the enlightenment. Lol

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I find it helpful.

I don't find any of this helpful. I find it blaming of the client and shaming as well. That's how it comes across.