Such a good session!

My T had a "so what?" attitude about my googling her daughter. Driving by her house without permission is apparently in a different category. I still don't quite understand that, but we went on to discuss other aspects of the googling. She asked when she hasn't answered my questions about her and her family. True, she does. But I said I want to know everything; I wouldn't know what to ask. We compared this to my crushes in my past.

It was interesting that she said she has to be careful because having looser boundaries like the emailing, for example, can trigger my feelings for and my wanting the relationship to be more than it is. However, being too strict makes me feel distant from her and she wants us to be close. She meant about knowing things about her too. It's not that she doesn't want me to know, but it's not the purpose of our relationship.

When I said I wanted her to punish me, and wanting to know if she would still love me if I'm bad, she reminded me about classic borderline fear of abandonment. She said I feel like I'm bad, and feel shame. True.

I said I feel disappointed she's not going to punish me. Then we got into a sexual aspect and I said an anatomy word that is shameful to me.

She said I was present though I was blushing!

So, we touched on a lot of issues about why I Google and why I tell her. Even talked a little about jealousy, that I want her to be my mother. She brought that up, not me.

I'm feeling a little sad because of course T is not my mother, and I can't redo the past. After therapy blues. But I am proud of myself for staying present, for telling her about the googling without stalling, and for saying that word and telling T directly that I'm ashamed of my body.

I am glad I finally have a T who I feel comfortable enough to discuss my taboo topics. It is worth finding a T like mine!

Yay! I'm glad it went so well

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Good on you for admitting this to T rainbow. Some people can react...differently when it concerns their kids.

You seem to have a good T. It strikes me that she exemplifies unconditional...acceptance, at the very least. Moreover, she's not just full of empty words, she 'proves' it through her actions.

That is rare, in any human relationship. She's a keeper!

Yes, my T is excellent and I love her! Since the session when I came back an hour later because I didn't feel the hug, she now asks "did you feel that?" Today I said "no" so we hugged again. I brought her some cookies I baked and she got up to hug me right away, so I got 3 hugs today! She is a genuine caring person who truly connects with her clients and goes out of her way to be there for them.

I emailed T my comments about the session last night and she emailed back that she thought it was a good session too. She said that by the end she could feel me being calm and present and there with her. It was validating and nice to hear that. I was kind of proud of myself because I stayed present and therefore could take in her feelings towards me. I saw that she wasn't repulsed by the sexual stuff I was saying even though I was.

I also feel I can Google her daughter and her without feeling guilty. Knowing that may even take away the urge to do it. I always researched people who were unavailable to me, who I had a crush on, in my past. I collected information on them, which wasn't easy because there was no internet. Then I did it with all my Ts, trying to find out more about them. My current T is taking away the mystery. She's also getting to my core issues again--feeling ashamed and not having a good sense of Self. I am hopeful that I can work through these issues on a deeper level than ever before.