[Waterbear]

This is my first post on this forum and I just wanted to share what I am going through and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I have been seeing a T from a cancer charity for 4 months now for bereavement but inevitably all the stuff from my past has been affecting the way that I have been dealing with it. Now that she knows about some of it and knows the in depth attachment theory based therapy that I need she has said that she cannot do this work with me, it will be too long term and the charity is not funded for it.

I really started to trust her, the only person that I have ever told these things too and the only person that I actually felt like I could start to open up to and start to ask things from. Problem is, when I did ask (if she could hold my hand and really help me to connect with her etc) she has had to 'pass me on'. So now I am having to look for a new T and I really don't want to, I want to work with her. She does work privately but the contract agreement says that she can't see privately clients that she has seen through the charity. I want to get angry about this but as usual I just bury down my feelings because there really is no point in having them.

I have seen one new T but I didnt feel that she liked me, (my stuff probably, not hers) and I really didn't think it would work. I can't explain it really, I just didn't feel that I could work with her, she scared me even more than usual. My old T came along to this session but the new T tried to get me to say she could leave on more than one occasion. Luckily my old T said that she wasn't going anywhere if I didn't want her to leave even though the 'new' one said that it wasn't a matter or wanting but of being able to bear it. Well, she lost me at that point completely. She knew how scared I was too, couldn't move, couldn't talk about anything other than really safe topics etc.

Anyway, I have a session with my old T tonight and then I see two new Ts next week (if I can muster the courage to go as it will have to be on my own this time) and then only one more session with the T I like. I just don't know what the point of going is, except for the fact that I need someone to hold onto at the moment otherwise I think I might be on the slippery slope again, leading me into making some really stupid decisions. I don't have a support network at all outside of T so it really is my lifeline at the moment and it is being taken away from me.

I know that I am going to have to grieve this loss and that this will be the only thing that I will want to work on with the new T until I know I can start to trust them. Only one of the five that I contacted even acknowledged how difficult leaving her must be and I am drawn to her because of it. I wonder whether I will feel comfortable with her when I see her next week.

I don't really know where this is going but I guess I am wondering whether anybody has had any good experiences of transitioning from a T you really like, who 'got' you and you were starting to make progress with to a new T -because you had to not because you wanted to.

Any other thoughts, suggestions and comments welcome, thanks.

[Out There]

I feel for you here , its very difficult to have to leave a T that you like and are working well with. Perhaps the T who understands your feelings about leaving your previous T and who you feel drawn to will benefit you , you may feel comfortable and able to continue the work. Welcome to the forum and hugs

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by Out There

I feel for you here , its very difficult to have to leave a T that you like and are working well with. Perhaps the T who understands your feelings about leaving your previous T and who you feel drawn to will benefit you , you may feel comfortable and able to continue the work. Welcome to the forum and hugs

Thank you, I hope that I do feel comfortable with her when I meet with her, it certainly would make life much easier to deal with.

[catnip123]

I just recently had to switch to a new T because my old T is moving out of state. I interviewed 3 potential Ts before finding one that I think will work out OK.
Good luck with your search - I know how hard it is to start over

Yes, I had to move on from two different therapists due to circumstances beyond my control. It is hard to say goodbye, but I was able to move on and work successfully with other therapists.

[Chummy]

My T is going on maternity leave soon. She has been the only T I've seen who understood me and helped me to make progress. I hate it that she's leaving. For at least 5 months, but you never know what can happen. I'm now in transition to another T. I've had three sessions with her, at the first two my T was also present.
So far that new/replacement T is kind of alright and she seems to have some knowledge about anxiety and how to interact with a client who has social anxiety.

It can take a lot of T's before you find one who is good for you. It can also be the second T you meet. For me it took many therapies and T's before I finally had one who was good. I made the mistake to stay too long with some T's.

Good luck with your search.

[Waterbear]

Thanks to you all for your comments. I think sometimes I think I am just bring silly but it really helps to hear others say it is hard. Had my session with old T tonight and it was one of the best. Said she thought of me on Mothers Day and that she is sad that she can't keep working with me for many reasons. I will miss her terribly.

[Waterbear]

She also said that if the two next week are not right then we can keep going until we find the right one. I know I won't take advantage of this even though I will want to! She is away for three weeks after next week though which will be tough.

Hi waterbear.

I connected well with my ex T but she had to go on maternity leave.

She was CBT oriented and it became clear that due to my issues, I needed someone able to work long term on deep stuff such as with attachment, transference, deep core emotional beliefs, traumatic events, able to gently penetrate my defenses of intellectualization etc. I was with her for 1 year.

She transferred me to her colleague for her maternity leave and said I could choose to continue back with her later or stay with her colleague.

She thought very carefully about which of her colleagues to place me with, factoring in my needs and personality and settled on Dr C who is now my current T. She wasn't trained in schema therapy but Dr C suggested it and she had been trying without success to model it for me but was unable to.

I thought I'd never bond with Dr C because ex T was the first T I bonded with (only my 2nd T though).

But Dr C proved within those 8 scheduled sessions to have the gentle warmth, flexibility, balance,composure, knowledge of bypassing avoidant defenses, ability to do and tolerate deep work etc that I needed.

I grieved ex T for more than a year. I still miss her but not as intensely as I have formed an attachment to Dr C.

I still think of ex T and do recognise that she did the right thing for me by matching Dr C to me.

Is there any chance your T can personally recommend a T she knows who'd be able to give you what you need?

I note you're looking for Ts in your other thread.

[Waterbear]

Thanks Quiet Mind. My T has had a look at those that she knows that might be suitable and we went together to meet one of them but it really didn't go very well. She just wouldn't have been a very good fit. Quite harsh and did not allow me the time or space that I needed. It was like being at the Spanish Inquisition. We both came away thinking 'No way'. T said she was surprised and sorry because she had seen her in a different light that day.

There is another she recommended but she is an hour away and is not currently taking on clients but, if my search remains futile, I may ask her about this one again. Thanks for reminding me of that possibility.

What you describe as qualities and ways of working sounds exactly what I am looking for and it gives me hope that it is possible. Do you think that you will stay with this one long term or will you be returning to the one that you bonded with originally.

Part of me wonders whether because these new ones are not 'My T' then I won't let them work for me, but I think that I am open enough not to let that be the case, but they do need to be right.

It is good that you managed to be both able to know what you needed and to be able to let yourself bond to somebody. It is tough isn't it.

[Waterbear]

Sorry, I missed the bit about you grieving for your old T and becoming firmly attached to Dr C. That is great news and so important on both fronts.

It has just surprised me how many Ts don't seem to recognise this as a valid line of work. I think some are scared of the intensity of it and that is fine, as long as they are honest upfront about it rather than waiting until it is formed and then bolting.

I do think some Ts are afraid of the intensity. The sheer amount of personal investment and emotional presence demanded of the therapist.

It took me a year to believe she cared and that was because she always was emotionally present no matter how difficult it was - be it traumatic memories or my guarded hostile suspicion or me shaking trembling fear.

Right there in the room with me. She says she believes there can be no deep understanding and thus healing, if the T is not willing to be close and genuine and themself in the therapy space. There's no room for distance, no place for "I'm going to put myself in a bubble seperate untouched".

That doesn't mean there isn't space though. In the beginning before I attached, when I was still prickly, scared, hostile, suspicious, she had to give me a lot of space (so not gushingly warm, I'd have fled!) But she always made it clear that she desired connection with me - to see me, to hear me, to understand me,to meet my needs, to see the needs behind the fear and hostility. Even the hostile wariness.

We joke about it now but it was like a human trying to reach out and pet a terrified porcupine who would bristle quills at the slightest thing.

The stuff in schema therapy books and manuals talks about how the T must care genuinely and deeply for the client for "limited reparenting" to work.

Schema therapy is meant to be long term (compared to 12 sessions CBT) - at least a year just to build trust.

The big study on its use in borderline PD (there's also literature on how it can be used with dissociative disorders) and it talks about 2 sessions per week for 3 years.

Hence yes, I believe only certain types of T would want to work in this modality or other modalities with reparenting as a concept.

I know I'm singing the praises of schema therapy haha. I'm not saying its the cure all for everything -- just my firm belief in the healing power of a genuinely caring T willing to do reparenting aspects.

[Waterbear]

Thanks for sharing your experience and it makes perfect sense about the intensity of the work. I have been to see someone today who I think might be the right person for me which I am so pleased about. She is not a schema T but she just seemed to have the right balance with me and allowed me plenty of time without allowing me to get lost. She was very real as well and, even though I can't feel it at the moment and probably have a long way to go yet, she seemed genuine and I hope that she would really care.

She understands the importance of dependency and attachment and the issues that brings and is willing and supportive of me grieving the loss of my current T. She accepted the difficulty of this transition but in doing so made it much easier for me to make a decision even though she said that I didn't have to right then. I will be going back to see her, especially because T is on holiday for three weeks on Friday. I hope I can have the same success as you have had and that I was starting to have with current T.

Thanks again.

That's great about the T you just saw, waterbear!

I hope she is "the one" T for you!

[Waterbear]

Thankyou, me too, though I do seem to be doing my best at the moment to scare her off already. I don't know what is going on in my head. One minute I feel good and like I am not sure I need this journey to continue and the next I feel like a mess of jelly who has no idea how to conduct a real relationship at all. Ah the joys of therapy!

[iheartjacques]

Hugs ...