Reconstructing your self

I feel like an alien putting myself out there. I saved the post if anyone wants to PM me.

I can relate to that feeling of starting over like a child without parents.

I'm in schema therapy which has "limited reparenting" at it's heart - http://isstonline.com/limited-reparenting

Thank you (((QuietMind)))

I keep trying to make it work with my therapist, and it feels like I'm dying when I try to separate. I get catapulted back in the past.

But at the same time, I want to look into this type of therapy, so I appreciate the information.

I read your entire post and relate to a lot of it though my defenses aren't dissociation and repression, but intellectualizing and suppression.

I went through a really intense stage which felt very long and full of anguish where I would cry bitterly at the thought of losing my T (eg being discharged, being away from her, therapy having to end eventually) but it has faded a bit as I gradually get better at holding onto connection.

It's still strong but not so intense by a little bit because she tries to meet those connection needs if she can.

It took me over a year to believe that she does care and her nurturing is real, and that she desires connection with me and to meet my emotional needs where she can within the boundaries of a "more flexible then most modalities (at least in my Asian country)" therapy relationship.

I can text her and give her really long letters (40+ pages), and hug her.

She tries to connect with and nurture my "vulnerable child" mode, and other "modes" of myself as well as supporting and strengthening my "healthy adult" mode as well as fighting my punitive parent mode (inner critic in other modalities etc).

(I'm not DID but it can be like an ego state, or how some therapy modality like Internal Family System use "parts". Some people like the word "parts", some people who dissociate more severely might use "alters"... It's like a continumn from mood shifts all the way to alters.)

Some other posters here and in blogs I read have transitional objects, phone calls, recordings etc to help with the connection too.

I honestly believe that eventually I will "grow up" into increasing autonomy etc in therapy.

I'm in a similar spot. I did a lot of research in the years when nothing much was working and I like the theory of Heinz Kohut and especially his idea of the three poles/functions on which the development of a sense of self depend. But how to actually use those ideas? My current T doesn't know much about Kohut although she did go to see a consultant when we were stuck the last time. I'm also in the midst of a huge negative transference, I think. I had dissociated from a lot of negativity and that may just be reintegrating. So maybe that really means that if/when I'm done with this, then I really will be done. Time will tell.

There were no therapists in my area from that link. I looked on Psychology Today too, but schema therapy isn't even listed as a modality. I found a few in Christian organizations-is that usually typical of the schema community? I'm not sure if I want to see someone from a religious organization, but I do like the idea of that modality.

What you wrote in bold is exactly what I think I need thank you.

Its' so incredibly say that my T can't be more flexible, and incorporate a little bit of these methods. It really hurts.

I think Kohut is a more supportive type of dynamic therapy that involves mirroring the client. I like Kohut's stuff too.

I just got off the phone with a therapist, the only one who hasn't scared me!
Looking through the therapists on Psychology Today etc was very anxiety provoking. I just couldn't see myself with 99% of the Ts there. But this one seems like a gem. She specializes in AEDP: The Trauma Center at JRI

Nothing about it really stands out to me, but I felt like trying it after she told me it takes the 'only the good stuff' out of psychoanalytic therapy.

Well, I'm not Christian (ex Christian, harmed by certain denomination of Christianity, atheist now) but my T is Christian.

She never ever brings her personal beliefs into session though I've tried to find out what she believes countless times.

She can also handle me talking about how the Christian denomination I was raised in for most of my life has wounded me.

My T isn't listed on
http://isstonline.com/find-a-therapist in my Asian country, neither are the schema Ts of some RL people I know, so there might be more practitioners than shown.

Might have better luck looking for practices in your country / state (private or public), then reading therapist bios.

I'd be hesitant going to a Christian org too, but I don't think schema therapy is a Christian thing.

My nation is full of Christian shrinks despite a supposedly secular healthcare system, so yep, I did have to outright ask my T if working with an "anti Christian" like me would be a problem.