[ThingWithFeathers]

*Trigger warning only for brief mention*

I had a joint session with my mother last week. It was a difficult and emotional session, with us discussing topics like the family violence, emotional abuse, csa, and my drug use and mh issues. At the end of the session I stayed back to speak with my t for a few minutes. She said there was so much emotion in the room. I wanted to ask her more but we had already had an hour and a half of her time. Later, when I emailed her, she said my mum and I covered a lot of ground.

I am hoping we can talk more about the joint session and I can get her perspective on things.

And, because I have forgotten a lot that was said in that session, I am also hoping she will remind me of some things that were discussed.

I guess I'm wondering if t and I will work through the joint session together as I'm having trouble reflecting on it. Will she give me feedback, will she tell me what she sees, will she remind me what was said?

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sure she will, if you ask her. Sounds like a powerful session. Take care!

[Bill3]

She should definitely allow time for processing of that session and i expect that she will. Be sure to say though if you feel like you need more time than she seems to have in mind.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Thanks for the replies!

I know we'll talk about it, and I guess I hope that she's open with me about what she thought of my relationship with my mother. I hold some pretty negative views of my mother's parenting, I want to know if she saw anything not so positive between us. I worry that I have all these negative feelings toward her anf my t might not see why. I want validation, I guess.

In my experience, therapists learn a great deal from these joint sessions and it generally always confirms what we had previously discussed. Sounds like you are worried your therapist will somehow "side" with your mother. That's understandable, but it's more likely that your therapist will have just gained more insight and I suspect you will have an interesting discussion about it.

[barbella]

I hope your next appointment goes well and that you get to speak about whatever it is that is most on your mind. I wish you all the best.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

In my experience, therapists learn a great deal from these joint sessions and it generally always confirms what we had previously discussed. Sounds like you are worried your therapist will somehow "side" with your mother. That's understandable, but it's more likely that your therapist will have just gained more insight and I suspect you will have an interesting discussion about it.

Yeah, I do worry she will side with my mother. My t operates from a feminist perspective. With the males in my family being very abusive, I do not blame my mother for the things they did. I do however hold her accountable for her neglectful actions and her own parenting dysfunctions. While she was not a good parent, she was not abusive to me in the same way as the men. I worry that my t won't see the full extent of my mother's failings because it's important not to 'mother blame' in these situations.

I also worry that, in trying to be positive about the session, she will focus only on the 'good' aspects.

I guess I'll try not to predict what my t thinks and how our next session will go.

I'm just so overwhelmed with changing feelings about what was said and how my mother presented herself. My t is away until Thursday week, so I'll have to sit withtit by myself all for quite some time.

[Bill3]

How did your mother present herself?

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Bill3

How did your mother present herself?

As a martyr, a distraught mother, a victim of circumstance. She even tried to present as a 'good' mother and that all the family problems were because of my father. I didn't confront her about any thing, except to say that she failed to seek appropriate help and I'm not sure she actually heard that, I don't recall her responding.

She tried to say some nice things, but I couldn't't even look at her when she said them. They didn't feel true. What she said was totally disconnected from my feelings about our relationship.

In behaviour she cried a fair bit, asked a few accusatory and offensive questions, but mostly she focused on herself (as usual). She didn't yell or significantly raise her voice, as she normally would. But she did pick on me a bit, indirectly. A few slights here and there.

I'm not sure if my t noticed these things.

[Bill3]

It sounds like your mother is drawn in several directions at once. She seems to want to have a better relationship with you. However, she also wants to avoid blame for the past. She wants it all to be the fault of others.

Why do you suppose that she is critical of you, and hurtful to you, even now?

No wonder it is so hard to trust her. Even now she is hurtful of you, and she does not seem sufficiently open to, and compassionate about, hearing your pain and perspective about the past.

At the same time, though, it sounds like you are having difficulty trusting your T. You trust her, I gather, as a person, but maybe you find it hard to trust her skill as a therapist. You find it hard to trust that she will see what you see about your mother. Perhaps you worry that T's feminist stance could blind her to the possibility that women, mothers can indeed be unloving, abusive, hurtful, negligent. That not everything can be blamed on men.

I'm really sorry that you must wait so long to speak to T. Perhaps you could write out your thoughts and concerns, though, in some detail? In my mind, this would help you identify and express your complex feelings about the session, your mother, and your T.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I don't know why she still behaves in hurtful and critical ways. There's a lot she does to try to keep me dependant on her while at the same time she treats me poorly. I'm still scared of her, so I didn't say all I wanted to. I'm fearful of her anger. I do trust my t, I'm just doubting her ability to read the situation due to the limited contact she has had with my mother. I guess I haven't been totally honest with my t about how much she neglected me, the emotional neglect as well as the physical neglect, the lack of care and protection. I know she was busy - she worked three jobs to keep 6 people. But when she was home she would lock herself away from the children. When there was violence, she would not comfort her children afterwards, she would leave, scream at the children or lock herself away.

Her quick temper is one of my fears. Another is her ability to swich off and totally disregard me and my feelings. She is not a naturally compassionate person in the first place but, when she switches off, she can be outright nasty.

Ugh. Sorry for the ramblings. I'm just trying to figure it all out. Do I continue a relationship with her? I just don't know.

[Bill3]

Given the many negatives you have mentioned, one thing to ask yourself when considering whether or not to continue a relationship with her might be: What do you like about her?