[Waterbear]

My old T was very reassuring and it seemed to be working with me. Hearing her saying things was slowly filtering into me. It came up with New T in the beginning and she said that she would work in this way but I don't hear it at all. I am in the process of trying to talk to her about this but it is harder than it sounds so may take a couple of weeks.

Does your T reassure you or do they wait for you to be able to reassure yourself?

What did reassurance sound like from your old T that you are not hearing from this new T? How are you defining reassurance?

[Waterbear]

She would tell me that what happened wasn't my fault, that children aren't bad for no good reason, that I reacted the only way I knew how, that I deserve to be happy now, that I am worth investing in, that she would be with me, that I didn't need to do this alone, that my needs are important, that I can do this.

Not only do i not hear those things from new T, there are a couple of more specific examples. I was scared during a session with new T that she would shout at me and I know old T would have told me that she wouldn't, that it was OK. My belief that I shouldn't be heard came up with new T and I know old T would have told me that I did have a right to be heard, that everyone has that right. It is like I know these things but can't convince myself or make myself believe them, if that makes sense to you. Hearing old T reassuring me helped me in that way.

I know I am comparing the two and that they will never be the same but this seems important to me.

I guess I don't hear those things as reassurance (which is why I asked for a bit more explanation).

My therapists might say those things, but it was more to counter my negative and mistaken core beliefs and negative self-talk than it was for reassurance. Rather than finding those kinds of statements reassuring, I initially found them frustrating and completely counter to my own internal dialogue. Until I could really believe and internalize them within, those kinds of statements did little to reassure me at all.

What are your new T's responses to statements that may come from old internal beliefs? Is she more direct or challenging perhaps? Perhaps laying it more on you to find those reassurances within yourself by challenging your own thinking? My therapist was more direct and challenging which in the long-run worked better for me or I would still be longing for the reassurances from an outer source rather than having to face my mistaken beliefs and challenge and reframe them for myself.

My T has said some of the kinds of things you describe. Have you raised with your current T that you're not hearing this from her?

[Waterbear]

It is still early days working together but she doesn't say anything except repeat it to me which makes me believe it even more. I am in the process of talking about it with her but it is harder than it sounds so may be done over the course of a few sessions.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

My old T was very reassuring and it seemed to be working with me. Hearing her saying things was slowly filtering into me. It came up with New T in the beginning and she said that she would work in this way but I don't hear it at all. I am in the process of trying to talk to her about this but it is harder than it sounds so may take a couple of weeks.

Does your T reassure you or do they wait for you to be able to reassure yourself?

Reassurance happens within as the work goes on.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I guess I don't hear those things as reassurance (which is why I asked for a bit more explanation).

My therapists might say those things, but it was more to counter my negative and mistaken core beliefs and negative self-talk than it was for reassurance. Rather than finding those kinds of statements reassuring, I initially found them frustrating and completely counter to my own internal dialogue. Until I could really believe and internalize them within, those kinds of statements did little to reassure me at all.

What are your new T's responses to statements that may come from old internal beliefs? Is she more direct or challenging perhaps? Perhaps laying it more on you to find those reassurances within yourself by challenging your own thinking? My therapist was more direct and challenging which in the long-run worked better for me or I would still be longing for the reassurances from an outer source rather than having to face my mistaken beliefs and challenge and reframe them for myself.

For me, reassurance, or at least what my marriage counselor considers "reassurance," is like him confirming he's not going anywhere, that I can tell him anything and he won't reject me for it, and also that I'm a strong person and can handle things. At one point last year, he said he couldn't keep reassuring me, yet he still does (think there's at least a touch of countertransference going on there). I clarified that the other day, because he was reassuring me on the phone about my admission of love, and I was like, "But I thought you said you couldn't keep reassuring me." And he said he's fine with continuing to do that, but wants me to get to a place where I can reassure myself.

My T isn't as into the whole reassuring thing (just her style), which I think is why I gravitate toward MC when I'm feeling especially sad or insecure.

But anyway, as a few others have said, I'd try telling T what you want/need. If you're having trouble talking about it, type it out and e-mail it to her or show her in session. I've found that talking about what helps me and what doesn't leads to better therapy and a better relationship with the T (though it definitely took time before I felt comfortable doing that, because I just assumed they knew what was right).

The one time I very specifically remember try reassurance actually didn't come from my therapist; it came from my pdoc. I remember him very vividly saying, "I promise you we will find a way to get you through this and that you will feel better." His reassurance was exactly what I needed in that moment, and he kept his promise.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My ex-T that I just ended with and my new one give me reassurance when I need it. I am thankful they can see that it helps me and sometimes I just need to hear the words.

[ruh roh]

Mine doesn't offer reassurances like that at all. She says that what she thinks doesn't really matter. It's what I think that matters. It's been a good approach to ensure that I don't care too much about looking for any assurances.

my t reassures me. i also do it for myself.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T reassures me. I had to "teach" her what was reassuring to me and supportive. Now she does it all on her own w/o me having to ask her.