T starts her summber break Aug 6 for 6weeks. This is the 3rd summer break I've been with her.

The first yr I said I would just erase her from my mind.

The second yr I said I would not erase her from my mind, and left it that, unable to know what to do.

This yr I've got angry at her and told her that I want to control her and get her to give into me and not take a break.

Of course the intellectual side to me knows even if she did this, it wouldnt work because I'd loose trust and respect for her.

So all I could do was talk about my agony, my not believing she is bothered about my pain, not believing she understands it.

Then she said "like your mother never saw your pain?"

I then asked her if I am spoilt because I wont accept her taking a break and want what I want?

T said "no, that my protesting and talking about my anger at her taking this break is good, and that I feel I dont have to just accept it like I did with my mother because I knew protesting was pointless because she never cared or knew what my pain was like, so in reality protesting at T means I know I am getting heard and understood by her or I'd give up"

In my head I was expecting Therapy to give me everything I thought I wanted, now I know it gives me what I need, the ability to feel my feelings good and bad, happy and sad and be ok with them.

That is a powerful gift!

[MountainGirl]

Yes it is a powerful gift, one that few get to experience. I'm glad that you are able to experience it.

[sidony]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mouse_ said:
In my head I was expecting Therapy to give me everything I thought I wanted, now I know it gives me what I need, the ability to feel my feelings good and bad, happy and sad and be ok with them.

That is a powerful gift!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's awesome Mouse!!! Really great that you can recognize that. Though it does sound really painful that your therapist will be gone for so long. I'm sorry you'll have to go through that. At least you can come on here and talk to us when you're feeling low about it. I know I'd have a hard time coping if my therapist were about to leave for a long time.

Sidony

[MountainGirl]

Oh, wow...I just re-read that and realized that she will be gone for six weeks. That is a long time. Is there someone in her office that you are able to see if there is an emergency that you trust?

No I'll be fine, It may be unpleasent but this is our 3yr together and not her first break.

T has always contained my recovery, never mentioned I wouldnt be able to cope, always maintained though hard it is do-able.

I think if she started from the begining giving me crisis nos.etc I would have learnt to rely on something instead of going through the pain. If that makes sense??

Even with my talks on suicide etc, shes contained them, never talked about me having to ring others etc only saying I know I can ring her if I need her.

Part of me looks toward T to contain what I've struggled with and she does it and shows me I can do it too.

I've decided to borrow one of her books again during the break.

[Gracey]

I think you had a profound moment in therapy little mouse. Good for you!

I wanted to ask. . .do you borrow a book b/c you truly want to read it? Or do you borrow it an read it b/c you want something of hers to be close to you when she isn't?

[withit]

Mouse, six weeks is an awfully long time! I do hope she makes herself available during her absence, like if you need to talk to her for a few moments she would do that....

You are so strong, Mouse.

You sound strong, stronger than me in coping with the separation. My T is away for 7 weeks. She has been gone 3 weeks this Thursday. I'm finding it so hard, so incredibly hard. Theres not a lot I can do though!

[Perna]

Good luck on the control :-) I remember when my T took one of her first long breaks the second time I started seeing her (10 years after the first time when I saw her for 9-10 years); as I was leaving the office after she told me I suddenly had the fantasy of slashing her tires which actually made me smile/laugh right there in the parking lot since it's so unlike me and unimaginable/"funny" to contemplate "Me" actually doing it so I didn't have a whole lot of trouble figuring out what my problem was. That was way before I could figure out how I felt before I left a session, and tell her/discuss it when it actually occurred. It didn't get "easier" for me with her going away for about 6-7 years :-( We did manage to get to where I was okay when we terminated after 9.

ITs not being strong, its knowing its going to be hard and accepting that and not fighting it. I will have days when I will no doubt feel like ending it all, but its having insight into this and not acting on it that is the key.

Yes its a long time, yes it will be hard, yes I will miss her greatly, and yes the world will continue to spin.

The first yr I tried to act strong, that didnt work, now I am allowing myself to admit at gut level that I will miss her, miss our time together.

Its better to witness my feelings rather then act them out, 3 yrs of therapy has got me to this place.

Before I started T I didnt admit to anything I didnt want to "see" now I know I am not made of steel and in my surrending to my true feelings I find the inner strenght.

But yes would allow me to email her or contact her if I needed to, but this is the 3rd yr together and I know I've made it twice before, so whats different about this time?

I can't tell you how comforting it is to have told T honestly this time that I want her not to take a break even though I know in reality if she agreed to me, I would not like that.

Just talking about the real feelings is where the solution lies.