[SoConfused623]

I think that my therapist is great for the most part. However, she has never given me a compliment when I do something right or need to be congratulated and it bothers me.

Today I told her a story about something that I did really well and she was all smiles, nodding her head etc.... I know that she was very happy for me but she wouldn't say anything like, "Good Job!" I asked her why she never says nice things and she asked me why I need to hear the words when I knew that she was happy for me. We talked about it for 20 minutes and she still wouldn't verbalize her comments. It drives me crazy!

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any comments? Thanks in advance.

I can definitely relate- my T is the same. I just put it down to the non judgemental stance they're meant to take. Saying 'good job' is a judgement - albeit one that feels nice. What matters is that you think 'good job' of yourself.

Of course, I also think it sucks ***** and is another reason I can't stand this damn process right now!

Some perspectives:
*http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...iment-you.html
*http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...liments-t.html

[junkDNA]

yes, my T is very encouraging. he frequently tells me how much i have changed, that he is proud of me, that i am doing well, etc. hearing him say these things has made it easier for me to recognize it myself, and tell myself these things when i am low

[Argonautomobile]

I think the closest I ever got to a compliment was "I don't think you're a terrible person." and "You're wearing earrings." Once he asked if I'd like a compliment after I reached a goal, but they sort of lose their force when requested :P

Some people are real ****ed up about compliments (I'm one of them). They grow to need the external approval, and thus everything they do becomes about pleasing other people, all esteem is got through other people, when you should really be doing things for yourself, to hell with what other people think. I think that's why some T's don't do compliments.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I love hearing her compliment me. It's something I haven't had a lot of and it feels good.

[Schizoid_1]

Once. She said that she admired me for the effort I was putting in trying to get out of the depressive state I was in. I've been on the opposite end of it too (although that is kind and gentle)

Sure. They admire my tenacity, and have complimented my dedication to my family and my parenting skills. They appreciate my honesty and candor as well as my determination to find a way through and beyond my struggles.

It seems unnatural to not give compliments. Don't think I'd be terribly fond of a therapist who didn't acknowledge my efforts, successes, and positive qualities. How do we learn to bolster our own self esteem if those who know us best don't help us see our strengths and learn to acknowledge them in ourselves?

[itjustis]

Yes. Mine says "I'm proud of you" and "well done" when It's warranted.

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[stopdog]

They both have. I don't particularly like it - it seems manipulative and condescending and it is usually over something they have no way of actually knowing. And I think it odd they would think it their place to do so.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My T tells me all the time how proud she is of me. She will say she likes my shirt or necklace. Very recently she has been saying how inspiring I am to her and how strong I am and that I have taught her a lot. One of the best compliments I ever got was when I was having a hard time and contacting her a lot and we had a small rupture and she looked me in the eyes and said "I like working with you, you teach me so much". I was pretty shocked as I thought I was being pretty difficult and we had just had a small rupture. I love her compliments and I don't get them from anyone often.

[Salmon77]

My T has said "congratulations" on a few occasions when it was called for, but never given me what I would call a compliment. Think it probably has to do with what someone said above, learning not to depend on others for your self esteem.

I prefer it, I'd feel weird getting compliments from T on my appearance or if T said he was proud of me or something. Not what I'm there for.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I think that my therapist is great for the most part. However, she has never given me a compliment when I do something right or need to be congratulated and it bothers me.

Today I told her a story about something that I did really well and she was all smiles, nodding her head etc.... I know that she was very happy for me but she wouldn't say anything like, "Good Job!" I asked her why she never says nice things and she asked me why I need to hear the words when I knew that she was happy for me. We talked about it for 20 minutes and she still wouldn't verbalize her comments. It drives me crazy!

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any comments? Thanks in advance.

My T actually does give me compliments but I'm too awkward to continue the conversation and just shrug it off like it's no big deal.

Last week I told my T my GPA was a 3.6 and she was really enthusiastic and happy for me, and my response was "I guess it's okay, it's lower than my last semester though".
Then today, I told my T I drove alone for the first time since getting my license a year ago and she was extremely happy and even asked me to drive to the office next week if I can and gave me tips on driving and my reply was, "It was just around the block, it wasnt that big of a deal".

I'm sure your T is proud/happy with your accomplishments but doesnt show it too much.

[Coco3]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

One of the best compliments I ever got was when I was having a hard time and contacting her a lot and we had a small rupture and she looked me in the eyes and said "I like working with you, you teach me so much". I was pretty shocked as I thought I was being pretty difficult and we had just had a small rupture. I love her compliments and I don't get them from anyone often.

That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Coco3]

I'm sorry your T doesn't compliment you. I think it's an important part of therapy and a clients growth to have an encouraging T. Mine has complimented me a lot and has also said several times that he's proud of me.

[MobiusPsyche]

I don't think of them as compliments but rather affirmations of things I already know. That I have accomplished a great deal despite my diagnoses, that's I'm stronger than I think, that I've done remarkable things.

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[rainbow8]

Yes, my T gives me compliments. She'll say she likes my hair style sometimes, or my outfit if it's new ( she knows because I don't buy new clothes very often). She compliments my artwork regularly, and sometimes my photos. She tells me I'm doing well in my therapy, too.

[runlola72]

My T used the word "brilliant" to describe me once. I'm not sure if he really meant it, but it sure felt nice.

[Trippin2.0]

Yes he does.

He has mentioned that I'm doing awesome work, and points out any progress I've made when I'm describing a new event and how I handled it. He's said that he's never had a client quite as dedicated and determined as I, that he admires that about me, that I am incredibly intelligent, interesting and enjoyable to work with.


He tells me when I look "nice" or "snazzy today" he's even mentioned that I am attractive, well tbh he asked if I knew I was attractive, (it was within a therapeutic context, discussing my view of myself and my zero self-esteem)...


Idk how to receive any of it, I just stare out the window and usually try to bite back tears.


I come from an extremely invalidating upbringing, so its very important that my T validates my progress and affirms certain things for me, even though its still very awkward for me to receive it, and not just from him, but anyone and everyone. Even my own bf or bff.


I'm sorry your T doesn't verbalize any affirmation or compliment, seems kind of detrimental to you at this point.

Yes she does, I honestly don't like it but in saying that I don't like it when anyone compliments me.

[BrazenApogee]

He said "That's a victory!" and threw his hands up in the air once when I told him a story of standing up for myself. Not sure if that counts.

[BudFox]

With one T there were some compliments that stuck with me, I can't lie, but then I had an unhealthy relationship with her. With other Ts, nothing much.

In general if a T flatters me, I would wonder is it genuine, or is it feigned to serve some calculated purpose. If they failed to flatter me when I thought they should, I would also wonder if that was genuine.

[annielovesbacon]

My T rarely gives me compliments and when she does it's never about my body (she knows I have a history of disordered eating) -- usually things like "I like that dress" or "cute bag!"
I chalk up her sparsity of compliments to the fact that, in my case, she is there to help me identify troublesome thinking patterns and how to change them rather than make me necessarily feel good about myself. I compliment may make me feel better for a few minutes but helping me develop a positive way to respond to emotions will make me feel better for life

[retro_chic]

My T has never complimented me, it's not really her style. She's a pretty blank slate psychodynamic kind of T. I've never complimented her either although I wanted to last session when I noticed she had new shoes (she's been wearing the same ones all year!). I felt weird about saying something though

My therapist use to give me complements, and I couldn't hear them from her or anyone else. I have learned to accept some and believe them, but still I struggle, because of my need to attain perfection. I come from parents that always said, "That was wonderful, but..." So, the voice in my head when someone complements me is, "Yeah, but..."