Touch in therapy

Thanks. I think it's going to be quite hard for me to tell him my concerns about his needs, I'm not wanting to come across as accusatory or negative, but I suppose it all has to be out in the open doesn't it? A week seems like a long time to wait to have this conversation!

Touch in therapy was very healing for me. I asked my T in an email (after seeing her for years) if she did hugs. She said it was fine so we hugged a few times. Then I asked if we could hug at the end of every session. It became a ritual for us. Over a year after asking for the hugs I wanted to cry in session and I wanted her to hold me while I cried. I asked her about this and she said that holding was to intimate and she only did that with her family. I felt pretty rejected. She offered and suggested to hold hands when I was crying or upset in a difficult session. It was very loving and healing. I told her before this all started to not offer touch to take it away someday. She said she would never do that and if something was uncomfortable for her (like the holding) she would tell me first so she didn't offer something and take it away. Holding her hands was very helpful for me to feel safe crying and when I would start to dissociate it helped to kind of keep me in the present. I am very grateful she allowed touch in our therapy and it was one of the most healing parts.

You know my previous stories, too.

Two unethical Pdocs whose touch turned damaging.
I saw PrevT during this time and her boundary was a handshake at meeting and a hand shake at termination.

I began with current T more than two years ago. I told her what happened to me and how PrevT handled touch in therapy. Current T and I discussed touch in therapy quite a bit. She admitted she is a "hugger" so I understand your thoughts about how much of hugging would fill your T's need. Current T and I decided a hug at the end of the session would be ok and to let her know how I feel about it. I think part of the reasons she hugs me is because I rarely had positive touch in childhood..perhaps she does it for reparative reasons. Also, she wants to convince me that I am "ok," that I am a huggable person, not dirty, etc. I do think she gets a tiny bit of satisfaction out of it when she genuinely wants to comfort me after a difficult session. So far, it has been an ok experience for me.

Btw, no hand holding for me either. I have never liked it.

I doubt you can be sure whether your T is benefiting a little if you allow touch. It sounds like your T would admit it if you asked him. I wonder what does it hurt if he benefits a little from it....as long as he has your best interest in mind, he has earned your trust, you have discussed under what conditions he might take touch away and his goal is for it to be therapeutic for you?

Im happy to learn you are taking it slow and examining possibilities.

I'm glad you and current T have been able to work out touch in a way that works for you, and that you were able to talk about it overtly (which is obviously my intention too).
Like you, I think one of the healing aspects will be that I didn't get much physical affection from my mother and I think I have a lot of unprocessed pain around that which is very deeply buried.
I guess you are right that it doesn't matter if he has needs that are being met as a byproduct, as long as it remains in place for my benefit. I suppose we should be clear and agreed about what the aim of introducing touch is so we can continually assess if it's working and work collaboratively I guess.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.

None of my 5 previous T's offered touch though I'd express wishes to be touched. My current T told me, early in therapy, that she offers hugs. I was too afraid to take her up on that for a long time, but eventually we got into the routine of hugging after every session.

Holding her hand began when I was talking about a child part who was needy. We used to do IFS, which is parts work, very often. My T asked if that child part wanted to hold T's hand, and I had to think about it until I agreed. It turned out to be the best part of therapy for me. I felt so safe and comforted when I held T's hand! It satisfied me much more than hugs.

I didn't ask every session, but when I did, T held my hand, until after a year or so, something happened in session and she decided holding hands was not good for me. Nothing happened! She thought there was a sexual component but she was wrong. In any case, she wouldn't let me hold her hand anymore. I was kind of devastated but I survived. Later she told me it may have been her issues that made her stop, not mine.

A few years ago she got her SE certification and reestablished touch into the sessions, but in a more clinical way. I could hold her hand but we had to be clear what the purpose was. That was fine with me because all I know is how safe and content I am when I hold T's hand. The surprising outcome is that I stopped asking to hold her hand in the past months. I don't crave it. Maybe I got enough of that security inside of me. I know that if I do ask, she will comply.

My T was very careful about touch, making sure I knew what the reasons for it were. I think she made a mistake when she "took it away" but she never took hugs away, so I always had some form of touch. Good luck with it, Echos. I found it to be very healing, and my T agreed with me except for that one time period.

My marriage counselor does handshakes at the beginning (usually) and at the end. Which probably sounds businesslike, but I think it's a nice compromise between no touch (like I used to have with T) and, say, hugging. Just a few seconds of his hand touching mine helps with the connection. Though last session, for whatever reason, he didn't shake hands at the beginning, but just waved us back to his office. Since I'd just confessed the week before that I loved him, of course my mind automatically went to that as the reason for not shaking hands. But then he still shook hands at the end as usual, and responded warmly yesterday to an e-mail I'd sent him, so I'm assuming I'm doing my usual reading too much into things...

There have certainly been times when I wish I could have a hug from him or that he could hold me while I cried, but since I have some strong transference (currently paternal but at times erotic) for him, I seriously doubt he'd do that, unless maybe if it was our last session or something. He will do what he calls "hugging from across the room" with certain body language and eye contact and/or "holding with the voice," which of course isn't the same as physical touching, but it does have an effect on me. Like I can tell when he's doing it.

To go back to you, Echos, I would just start slow with the touch and see how you feel about it. Does he make any kind of physical contact with you at all now, like even a handshake or high fives? If not, I'd maybe start there. Or just a quick hug at the end, something like that. Let him know you're a bit unsure about it and wouldn't want to start anything that would later be taken away. Hope it helps you! And I suspect if he thought you had sexual feelings for him, then he wouldn't have offered.

My T shakes my hand at the beginning and end of each appointment. Regulations are probably more strict in my country, and things like hugs or hand-holding would almost certainly be seen as unethical. It would never have occurred to me that such things could be part of therapy until I started reading about it on these forums, and it's not something I would want from a therapist. It would feel inappropriate, in my cultural context.

I had to stop the first one from her handshaking insanity on the second appointment. It seemed like a lie somehow.

Thanks for sharing that rainbow. I'm curious, if you don't mind sharing. When you have held hands with T, where do you sit in relation to her. Do either of you have to move? I sit on a sofa and T on a chair and I'm thinking about the practicalities. It might be uncomfortable to reach across but the idea of one of us moving seems a little forced and the idea of him coming over to the sofa is very uncomfortable to me.

Thanks Lonesome. No, I've never touched him. I honestly can't remember whether we shook hands at the first session but certainly never since. I don't think I'd like a handshake, as stopdog suggested that might feel false for me, but it's tricky to work out a good way to start. It has the potential to be quite awkward!

I think touch in therapy is great if both client and T are on the same page. Personally, there's no way in hell I'd sit that close to my T. And I sure as hell wouldn't hold his hands and stare into his eyes. It creeps me out just to watch the video.

I move my Ts chair closer to me so she's within reach.... Hah

The closeness itself wouldn't bother me I don't think as long as he were opposite and not next to me. I once brought a timeline I had made and it was quite a big sheet of paper on the floor so we were both leaning forward on the edges of our seats and we were about that distance and it felt nice. But we were both looking at the paper on the floor, not each other. The eye contact in that video would be impossible for me too!

I would never have the guts to rearrange his furniture!

She tells me too so I can get it where I want it. How it came about was so embarrassing.... I apparently moved her chair while she was out of the office for a moment and she noticed when she came back and asked me about it...

Hm, maybe if he just touched you lightly on the arm/shoulder or something like that? Like when you're leaving? You could suggest that during session as a way to start. A hug definitely seems like a big step if you haven't touched at all.

Or maybe you could ask him what he suggests? (I realize that would probably be very awkward!)

I would've liked my T to have held my hand at one point in my therapy , but he does not touch , although at one point he did. There are so many stories about touch going wrong I think I'm glad it never happened - and the feeling and wanting passed. I think it was pfrog who posted about touch rupturing an otherwise good relationship. Please be cautious Echos - you're doing so well with your T

I am happy to share the practical aspects of holding my T's hand. But one comment first. If my T were a man I don't think I could ever hold his hand! I think touching would feel erotic, not safe. Seeing a male T would cause me all kinds of problems anyway, and putting touch into the mixture would be a disaster!

I always sit on a couch in my sessions, and my T sits on a chair. She moves the chair around, depending on the distance clients want to be from her. So, she moved her chair close to the couch and she would stretch out her arm. I think it was more comfortable for me than for her.
A few times she came and sat next to me. Once was when she put her hand on my arm instead, but I didn't like that.

I watched the video with Dr. Rogers and Sylvia. I kept wondering when she was going to say "I love you" to him but she didn't! I definitely don't have as much eye contact with my T. We held hands for about 5 minutes usually, though sometimes longer. I'd talk about other things while doing it. Or, sometimes T wanted me to close my eyes and tell her how I feel.

I think I internalized how the touching made me feel. I'd forgotten that I can visualize that any time! I think I liked it best because it's skin against skin, like mother and baby. Hugs are more adult and not as soothing to me.

I'm so glad that my T has stuck to her principle of never giving something she would later resent.

We had a rupture once, when I thought she was taking away reading my letters and hugs.

Sometimes, she touches me lightly on the back as I'm leaving the room.

We hug once, sometimes twice, at the end of each session.

I had to ask for hugs and we discussed why the first time.

Subsequently, she stands up, I stand up, and I open my arms and steps in to hug her. Just quick hugs of a couple of seconds though. I'd like a long, tight hug, but she never pats my back or touches me during the hug.

Thanks I appreciate your thoughtful response. Most of the professional literature I have read is pro hugs/handshakes etc but I can find much less about hand holding. I think you are right to caution me. The therapeutic relationship we have is strong, but not immune to ruptures and this is, as my T said, 'tricky territory'. Can you imagine if all the good work we have done together was undone by this? That would be devastating. Aargh! This is so hard!

Thanks rainbow. It's kind of the opposite for me, I would find it hard to trust a woman to hold my feelings because my own mother was so unpredictable and unstable emotionally. I could probably only do this with a man, at least at this stage. I appreciate your thoughts on hugs v handholding, I think you've articulated very nicely why handholding is what appeals - it comes from a young place.

I hate touch. Only my boyfriend can touch me. I would hate to be touched in therapy, though I know some people like to hold hands or similar. This is not for me.
My ex T hugged me once many months ago when wishing me Merry Christmas, and I hated it. Another ex T hugged me when I left therapy, wishing me good luck. I hated that as well.

I have felt in the past that being touched conjures sexual feelings, and I told that to an old female T. She wanted to try something that was like touch therapy because she felt it would benefit, but was mindful of what I had said. So we just put our hands together, as close as possible without touching, just feeling the energy. She has a very eastern-religion influenced office environment, so picture soft music and incense. Anyway, even feeling her that close stirred feelings in me. I absolutely crave hugs from people, all people, including and especially T, but I don't trust myself to not feel these more sexual feelings so I'll never go there. Not that current T would either...he has boundaries that are really strict

I find the whole "tricky territory" thing hard to understand. Most of the time it seems when touch causes ruptures its because a T decides to just take it away. Which seems T induced. Touch is among the most basic of human needs.if you have issues with erotic transference that's one thing but otherwise most of the issues seem to stem from T's making it an issue. The instinct to seek skin contact is one of the most powerful in infant humans. Not just because contact means food but because we need the touch itself.
It just sometimes seems like Ts make touch a big deal and THAT is what causes issues.

I think different schools have different thoughts on it. Here is one jungian's perspective on why touch is tricky
Touch in Therapy | Jung At Heart