[rainbow8]

My T said she never told me I couldn't email but was curious as to how I would feel if I tried journaling instead. I told her that I don't want to stop but I think she wants me to. Her response was that it's not that she doesn't like my emails but she thinks it would be better for me to be able to hold onto the connection to her without them. I said I'm not ready. She asked what I'd tell someone if I were the T. I said I would let them email! She thought a part of me might think it wasn't a good idea. I said maybe but I need to do it and T said okay. I said we can talk about it again in a few months but not now. Emailing is such a loaded topic for me! Do you think it makes therapeutic sense that, after 6 years, she is suggesting I think about not doing it? It's hard to sever that connection.... T knows that but....

We talked about my being triggered by bringing up the end of therapy. When I said I was a failure she said "no you're not. It just means there is more work to do." She went on again about how kids go off on their own, parents die, and the kids hopefully have internalized the parents so they can lead their own lives. I kept saying "But I don't want to give you up, and I don't want to end therapy because it means it's over. Why did you let me attach to you and love you?" T said that even if she leaves or dies, I will still have the love for her in my heart. It won't go away. She also reassured me that she would never " just leave" like some of stories on the forum.

Again, I asked why she thought I have these problems. She thinks being in the incubator, my Mom's anxiety, the selective mutism (had to come from somewhere), and the fact that my Mom died relatively early. She agreed I want to tell her things and use words I didn't use with my Mom.

It was a helpful session. We did IFS with a part who didn't tell my Mom something, and I felt sorry for that part. When I said at first, that part was stupid and I wanted to shake her, T had me put the part that said she was stupid on the couch so I could just deal with the compassionate part. That's how IFS is done.

I don't feel like I have to email tonight. I see T next week and then miss a week because she's going out of the country.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She went on again about how kids go off on their own, parents die, and the kids hopefully have internalized the parents so they can lead their own lives. T said that even if she leaves or dies, I will still have the love for her in my heart. It won't go away.

My T said these same things during our final sessions and as hard as it is, its true. You still have time to learn how to internalize her and have the love in your heart. Enjoy the time you have with her. I think its good she is trying to wean you off of needing her so much. Go with that. My T did not do that and I had to do it myself over night and its not easy and I am really struggling. Its better to have your T's help with that. Trust me.

[~Christina]

I think your T is being honest in this relationship. Nothing is forever. Except our memories and the things you have learned from her or any loved one. Its good that you are able to voice your fears and shelve some tougher decisions a few months down the road .

My T is 68 and he many times has told me he would never just drop me, I had this fear for the first couple years , unfounded but it was there..

But the reality is a person can be here today and gone tomorrow. I know that he is going to retire one day , he has no current plans to.. but who knows. I really was upset about this last year so we discussed it many times.. I have learned so much from him about myself and how strong I really am.. and the best thing I can do when we are no longer seeing each other for whatever reason is to honor the work we did and continue using the skills that he helped me learn that has been a turning point in my life.

There will never be another " Richard " for me. Sure there are many of T's can and will be helpful to me in the future.

I dont often respond to your threads but I have followed along .. Rainbow you have grown so much in so many ways. don't lose sight of all the gains you have made and how much stronger you are because of the hard work you have put into your time with your T. She certainly has helped you ... but you did the work.. the greatest T's in the world cant make someone better themselves... Pat yourself on the back

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

My T said these same things during our final sessions and as hard as it is, its true. You still have time to learn how to internalize her and have the love in your heart. Enjoy the time you have with her. I think its good she is trying to wean you off of needing her so much. Go with that. My T did not do that and I had to do it myself over night and its not easy and I am really struggling. Its better to have your T's help with that. Trust me.

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much, Cinnamon. You are grieving and there's no easy answer except to go through it. I will try to what you say, to cherish the time I have with my T, but at the same time, see if I can let go just a little. Thank you, and I hope it gets easier for you.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I think your T is being honest in this relationship. Nothing is forever. Except our memories and the things you have learned from her or any loved one. Its good that you are able to voice your fears and shelve some tougher decisions a few months down the road .

My T is 68 and he many times has told me he would never just drop me, I had this fear for the first couple years , unfounded but it was there..

But the reality is a person can be here today and gone tomorrow. I know that he is going to retire one day , he has no current plans to.. but who knows. I really was upset about this last year so we discussed it many times.. I have learned so much from him about myself and how strong I really am.. and the best thing I can do when we are no longer seeing each other for whatever reason is to honor the work we did and continue using the skills that he helped me learn that has been a turning point in my life.

There will never be another " Richard " for me. Sure there are many of T's can and will be helpful to me in the future.

I dont often respond to your threads but I have followed along .. Rainbow you have grown so much in so many ways. don't lose sight of all the gains you have made and how much stronger you are because of the hard work you have put into your time with your T. She certainly has helped you ... but you did the work.. the greatest T's in the world cant make someone better themselves... Pat yourself on the back

What a beautiful post, Christina. Thank you very much!! It means a lot for someone to notice my growth because I only see a glimmer of it. Your T sounds really competent and special. I hope he is around for many more years.

[rainbow8]

Update: So far I haven't had the urge to email T! I'm proud of myself! I realize that it's because I feel settled from the session and don't have any major emotions I can't handle. The goal is to feel settled even when the session is unsettling! That's when I feel the need to email and "fix everything."

[MobiusPsyche]

That's good news, Rainbow!

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk

[Waterbear]

Sounds very positive!!

[rainbow8]

Here it is Sunday and I survived no email fromT. Today I have a cold, sore throat or allergies so I'm not thinking about T. No urge to email even though I have some decisions to make and could use her input. I can't do much tomorrow as it is Memorial Day. Just wish I could sleep today since I feel so lousy physically.