[rolan86]

So I told her about it via email and just got a professional, short reply saying let's discuss this next time. I don't know if I can keep up with therapy though. This isn't healthy for me, I am so attached to her. I keep checking to see if she has emailed me back. I also keep fantasizing about getting lunch with her. I don't think this is healthy. I am just setting myself up for disappointment. I want to stay in contact with her, but doubt this will be allowed. I understand why therapists can't be your friend, but never allowed to email again? I don't see how that helps me. I can't stand the thought of her being ok with that. That basically says she never cared about me. I hate this dynamic where I pay for someone to make me feel like they care about me. I wish I could have predicted this would happen when I signed up. I feel so foolish. I have no idea how this will play out tomorrow. I really hope I don't get the boundaries talk, that hurts my self esteem so very much, I don't think I can take it. I already have major issues with feeling like a creep. I would rather me end therapy myself before she ever ends therapy with me. I want to just tell her that I don't think this is healthy for me and I feel like I am lying to myself in being happy that I have her support. I am so very miserable when sessions end, when I say bye and walk out the door. The weeklong wait for the next session is awful. It is getting me very upset. I should be able to see therapy for what it is, and just focus on my illness, but I just can't get over how cool I think she is, even though I know so little about her. This transference is awful. I hate that I am building such a strong connection, and then having to face that it was never real. Ok, I understand if we can never be friends, I get that. I understand that a therapist can care deeply about you, while still never being your friend. But if I am told that I can never again contact her, then I am forced to conclude that this relationship was never real and that she never actually cared about me, despite how much she seems to like working with me. I just can't wrap my head around it. I wish you the best and truly care about you and will miss you as well but please don't ever contact me again. That to me says I never cared about you, and I don't know how I can be convinced otherwise. She is a phenomenal therapist, but I just don't want to lie to myself...

[itjustis]

I have been right there in your situation and know how very painful and miserable it is. I really feel for you. I talked about it, and talked some more. Talk about it all you need. It does get easier, really it does. I couldn't see a way through it at the time and cried so much I thought I couldn't cope. In hindsight (what a wonderful thing) I can see that it was a process I needed to go through. My T was great with my feelings for her, she handled them gently and professionally. Boundaries were tightened at one stage because she could see it was doing me no good...at the time I hated her for it and lashed out so bad I feared she would terminate me at the next session, now I have nothing but respect for her and can see that was needed.
Hang in there, it does get better.
I hope you can talk about this and your T handles your feelings with care.
I'm coming to the end with my T in two weeks for the summer and that has been hard to work through, it still is some days but the grief isn't as intense anymore.
*hugs*

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[songofthesea]

That sounds very tough, but transference is nothing to be ashamed of, and there wouldn't be a specific name for it if the frequency with which it occurred hadn't required one. The therapeutic relationship is indeed strange and asymmetric. These feelings of wanting to maintain closeness with someone who you feel knows the inner you rather than that which you may feel you present to others, and still displays care towards you, are probably even expected to emerge. You don't know right now that she will tell you not to contact her – rather she probably considers it more beneficial for you to express your feelings inside the therapy room rather than from behind a computer screen. And yes, you pay for your sessions, but that doesn't mean that the relationship isn't real and that she doesn't care. If she was only worried about making money, she would have gone into city finance

[retro_chic]

I think most therapists expect these things to happen and know how to handle it. I literally told my T that I am obsessed with her and she didn't act surprised or creeped out at all. Instead we just talked about why I have those feelings and where they're coming from. It is really hard though and I still often miss my T even though I see her every week. My T has had tight boundaries from the beginning (no emailing) and a suspect that is in anticipation of feelings like this arising.

Also, from my experience changing Ts won't help the situation. I have had transference with all three Ts that I have seen with my current one being the most intense.

[kecanoe]

How did it go?

[Crescent Moon]

I think it is a "real relationship." It just has its own characteristics and purpose. My relationship with my brother is different than that with my parents, which is different than that with my children. It goes on to the different relationships I have with my boss, my colleagues, my friends, and of course, my therapist. They are all "real" relationships, just all very different from each other.

One of the characteristics somewhat unique to our relationship with our therapist is the imbalance in power. We need more from them than they need from us. They need payment, but we have a whole lot more that we need from them.

Transference is hard. But it can be very useful if the therapist is trained in it and knows what they are doing.

Anyway, in my way of thinking, it is definitely a "real" relationship.