[thesnowqueen]

So, I recently started therapy with someone new and I asked him if he thought my response to something was usual or 'normal'. His response was 'it doesn't matter if it is normal - it's your feelings and they are valid.'

I had therapy for a very long period, before, with someone who PRAISE BE HEAVEN NEVER gave this totally annoying reply. But it reminds me of how often professionals and non professionals say it. I find it extremely condescending. If I am concerned about the way I am responding then fine - ask questions about that concern - explore how my reaction might be differing from what I conceive of as the ordinary response - even - what could be so wrong about responding about what the usual response MIGHT be, and why someone with my nature or experience might respond differently.

Just don't give me this vacuous, pseudo-superior what-is-normal pre-teen ********.

[thesnowqueen]

Admittedly, I'm judging new T on the basis of an older one I adored and who is no longer available. So...could be that I'm just angry at him for not being someone else...

It's interesting how you react to that statement, I will be curious what others say as well. I tend to be quite sensitive to patronizing, condescending attitudes and often have intense reactions even if I don't express them. But this one actually sounds soothing and genuinely accepting to me. Not sure if it's because I have a tendency to think that my feelings are out of place and overreaction and I often want to drown my own feelings. Perhaps your T said that because many people find it comforting and he does not know you very well yet? So, perhaps tell him how you felt about his statement so that he will know.

[thesnowqueen]

True enough. I have heard people say it to themselves when questioning their own emotions - as a way of reaching a place of self-acceptance. So... my reaction may be a bit unusual! Older T used to actually think about where my reaction fitted in, in the scope of reactions, generally, and for some reason I found this very 'normalising'. Telling me my reaction is valid - no matter how far off the chart it is - isn't soothing for me at all. As you point out - this may be a bit idiosyncratic. So frustrating to have to develop a new therapeutic relationship!

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

True enough. I have heard people say it to themselves when questioning their own emotions - as a way of reaching a place of self-acceptance. So... my reaction may be a bit unusual! Older T used to actually think about where my reaction fitted in, in the scope of reactions, generally, and for some reason I found this very 'normalising'. Telling me my reaction is valid - no matter how far off the chart it is - isn't soothing for me at all. As you point out - this may be a bit idiosyncratic. So frustrating to have to develop a new therapeutic relationship!

Yes, I do find it takes a long time before a therapist can really know you well enough to be really helpful! It might help if you tell him what would work better. Sorry you are going through this!

[ruh roh]

The thing is, you didn't ask your therapist if your response was valid; you asked if it was normal. So I would probably have taken his reply to be somewhat tone deaf and dismissive. Sort of like answering a question, do I fit in here, with, well, you have a right to look however you look.

I would weigh it against all other things a therapist has said though, and if it was just a random condescending comment and not a practice, I'd let it go.

I don't hear it as condescending at all, but then I (still) battle my upbringing that taught me that my feelings were never valid.... that they are valid, is something I had to hear a lot from my t before I finally started believing it. And even though I know it now, that early conditioning still sometimes takes over and she has to remind me again.

It does take time to develop a therapeutic relationship. And even then, seems like they're always evolving... mine with current t does anyway....

[rothfan6]

I would find it sort of helpful but irritating at the same time if thats all he said and didnt expand on it. Ive had this discussion with my T several times because I dont have a good gauge for whats normal. I tend to think everything is extreme when its probably normal.

[stopdog]

It would annoy the snot out of me. I am not asking their permission to have a feeling or not. It is not their place to tell me something is valid or not.

[Argonautomobile]

My T said this once! I was fascinated. It took me a minute to figure out why it seemed like such an insincere thing to say. I finally asked, "Are they, though? Are feelings always valid? Can't feelings be over-reactions? Or unfair? What if they're catastrophizing, irrational, or black-and-white? Are they still valid, then?"

If my husband offers me a muffin and I slap it out of his hand shouting '**** YOU! DON'T PATRONIZE ME!' is my outrage really valid? If I mess up at work and decide I'm therefore a useless **** and should just jump off a bridge, is that a valid feeling? What if I feel the CIA is monitoring my thoughts via an unsanctioned brain implant? Are my paranoia and fear valid?

Sadly, this just seemed to confuse my T. It's as though he'd spent years and years telling people their feelings were valid and never once thought about why.

Anyway, sorry you felt patronized by your T. I hope ya'll can work it out.

[stopdog]

I would argue in relation to the above examples, that the feelings are valid -but it would not mean the behaviors listed are appropriate.

[LonesomeTonight]

I understand that you were looking for something else from him at the time. But as a couple others said, I think he was trying to validate your feelings, like whatever you feel is OK. My marriage counselor will often say that feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong--they just are. It's about what you do with those feelings. Like Artemis, I often didn't feel validated by my parents in terms of my feelings, so it's helpful for me to hear that. But if it bothers you and if you're looking for some other sort of response from your T, definitely talk to him about it.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would argue in relation to the above examples, that the feelings are valid -but it would not mean the behaviors listed are appropriate.

Thanks! That's more or less what my T said, between hemming and hawing and scribbling on his notepad. I'm not sure I really get it, still, but it's interesting to think about.

[thesnowqueen]

[QUOTE=ruh roh;5122363]The thing is, you didn't ask your therapist if your response was valid; you asked if it was normal. So I would probably have taken his reply to be somewhat tone deaf and dismissive. Sort of like answering a question, do I fit in here, with, well, you have a right to look however you look.

Ruh-Roh, exactly! Interpreted one way, its actually undermining someone by pretending to affirm them. To translate - 'your concern is not valid'. You should not be worrying about whether or not you fit in. That is the WRONG thing to worry about. Likewise, it is wrong to be concerned about whether your reaction is 'normal'.These messages are undermining when a person DOES have certain concerns.

[thesnowqueen]

[QUOTE=Argonautomobile;5122493]My T said this once! I was fascinated. It took me a minute to figure out why it seemed like such an insincere thing to say. I finally asked, "Are they, though? Are feelings always valid? Can't feelings be over-reactions? Or unfair? What if they're catastrophizing, irrational, or black-and-white? Are they still valid, then?"

Argonautomobile - from a certain perspective it seems not only insincere but totally vacuous. And as you have described it - if a feeling is a consequence of a certain interpretation, or pattern of interpretation, and that interpretation or pattern is skewed, then in what way is the feeling 'valid'? My former T practiced CBT so perhaps this is the reason he never went for that type of response

I think if one is trying to push away a feeling, or one has trouble acknowledging ones own feelings then there is some sort of purpose to this statement. It means be with yourself, or maybe accept yourself. The odd thing is that it never comes across to me in that way; it always seems like a subtle admonition...

To me, i guess valid means I'm allowed to feel what i feel.

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[ruh roh]

The thing is, and the way I would have taken it, is that the main feeling--is this normal?--was invalidated (that concern "doesn't matter"). So, to me this sort of statement would be crazymaking. Sometimes, I think these statements are so boilerplate that a therapist isn't really thinking. Then again, I am particular about words. I'm just glad my therapist doesn't usually fall back on standard quips.

[WrkNPrgress]

I find this statement helpful myself. Only because I'm prone to questioning my feelings and whether or not I "Should" feel a certain way about something or anything at all for that matter.

It was a big deal when a therapist told me my anger towards someone was "valid".

[thesnowqueen]

Thanks for everyones' responses! Obviously its helpful for many, but a couple of us do not respond well to the statement.

I want everyone to remember that their feelings about this are valid!

[thesnowqueen]

Thanks for everyones' responses! Obviously its helpful for many, but a couple of us do not respond well to the statement.

I want everyone to remember that their feelings about this are valid!