I just found out my mother died 4yrs ago. My fantasys of a reunion and happy ending have smashed into a wall.

The child part of me that always tried to get it right with her is devastated.

[Waterbear]

Mouse I am sorry. That is really hard news to hear I bet. Look after yourself. Sometimes our dreams just cannot come true and those happy endings aren't going to happen how we imagine them. I guess it doesn't mean we can't be happy but it sure feels like it for some time. Keep safe.

[Citrine22]

Mouse, Very sorry about your mother. I hope you surround yourself with people that care and support you during this time. It's good you have a therapist, to make sure you take good care of yourself.
Take good care.

Thank god I had T this morning.
I told T even though there been no connect between my adoptive mother and I for some time. I feel everything I've done, everywhere I've gone, everything I've become was still about looking for her approval. Now I feel none of it means anything. Although I realise it will again, but in a different way.
Even my life long search for my birth family I can see now, was about trying to get from them, what I longed for from my adoptive mother.

At the moment I feel like all the bits inside of me are waiting to find a new way of existing.

Through the years today with T I laughed and said, my last words to my mother were "you're just like Hitler". I added "I could have played that one a bit better ".

*laughter mixed with snot & tears*

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe you could do an unsent letter to your mother and that way get some of the hurt and painful feelings out. I've found writing about painful feelings to be very healing.

[peaches100]

Mouse,
I'm so sorry your dreams of having your relationship with your adoptive mom repaired have been dashed. It's a lot to take in - the knowledge that she's gone now. Acknowledging that ending will mean wading through ome pretty intense emotions. I'm so glad you have your t to rely on. She can help you navigate through this period of time. She can assist you in deciding how you would like to move forward in life from this point forward...what you would like to achieve without the weight of the past holding you down.