T said "not emailing is huge" but I'm still conflicted

I just had a thought on this thread, not sure how it would help or benefit but it just popped into my head so figured I share. Please forgive me if I don't make sense or am way off base (I'm having a hard time being semi-coherent lately)

1. Just in response to the thread title my thought was: Could it be like my T? She still welcomes whatever I want to send when I want to send it (texts / letters) but at the same time it's okay if I don't. Not that she doesn't want me to but it's okay. If I don't text her or write her a letter she still feels the same about me, nothing changes. I think that's the point for my relationship, that I don't have to text (unless she requires me to for safety purposes) or write letters to her to express things. It's a connection I feel when I do it and less the content. Like she 'has something of mine'. It's weird but it is what it is. She respects that and understands it. So if she doesn't text back or we don't communicate for a few hours, it's okay. She still is there. She isn't mad and by this I'm able to (failing at it right now) be a little more self reassuring, and I tell myself those things when I start to miss the connection. I have made a list of all the things she's done, said, etc that when I'm starting to doubt or feel she's upset with me I read the list aloud and try to calm my other parts. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't - and either way, it's okay.

I don't mind answering here, unaluna, because I KNOW! I get praise for taking an excellent picture, I get compliments if it's a picture of my artwork, and if it's of my grandchildren, I get favorable comments on how cute they are! I get attention and praise. The goal would be not to need so much of that. Other people don't want to see my photos all the time, though we live in a world inundated with photos due to smartphones! If I had to get my pictures developed like in the old days, I wouldn't have this problem! But I always wanted attention and wanted praise. Thanks for bringing this up! It was helpful!

I agree with you in theory but my T says we have to continually reevaluate if something is helping me or not. When I told her I was disappointed with her responses to email, she stopped responding. We tried again at a later time. If it were up to me to make all the decisions, I would email forever. I would make her answer me. I would see my T weekly until I die. I would never take steps to separate. That's the way I am. It's been 6 years. Email helped me a lot but now it's time to change. If I don't listen to my Ts suggestions, what's the point in seeing her? What do you call a long period of time? Isn't 6 years long? She could quit working in 10 years and I'd still be emailing every week as though we're friends. I've been dependent on T's for over 20 years. I think it's time to make a few changes though I don't ever want to quit unless something major happens in my life.

I've noticed that my T is less interesting to me. I don't feel like I'm "in love" with her anymore. It's a more normal relationship to me which is why it's hard to accept the limits. Not the email limit per se, but the limits of therapy. I can't visit her at her home. We can't go out to lunch. She's a casual down-to-Earth kind of person which makes it hard. I don't know if I answered you completely. Maybe it's a gut feeling it's time for me to let go of T in this way.

I hear what you're saying a little clearer. It's her responses to you and your expectations of her that are a big driver of your pain (and you certainly can't control what she does). I tend to view emailing and sending letters to therapists much like journaling, but it's when you are doing it to get specific responses that I think there are let-downs and disappointments and understand why you may want to cut back.

I'm curious how you'd feel about emailing and not getting any response? Would that be helpful, or make things worse? I'm asking because I've always sent mailed letters to my therapists which was very helpful to get things away from me. With stamps and all, which I still do from time to time even with the advent of email. I like it because there is no avenue for my therapist to get in contact with me about what I write until I see her again. I'm not sure if you'd find any value in doing something like that, but might help to lessen any tension you feel about bottling things up.

I've been in therapy for years, like yourself, but get something out of it and don't plan on stopping anytime soon either. Without the pressure of timelines, I feel more comfortable in the process and riding out whatever comes. I've taken long breaks and also switched therapists and modalities. It is what it is.

So - what if you show your t a picture, and then YOU talk, not her? Do you ever say, "i like this about me?" Really OWN it? In session? Or does it always come from her? Like Monk says, its a gift AND a curse.

I'm doing well. I have a medical issue today and normally I'd email her immediately for support, but I told myself that it can wait until Tuesday. It's not urgent, and it's something to discuss in depth. That is a big change for me not to email her immediately when I feel scared. I called 3 friends/relatives instead.