The Couch 119: Come Join The Human Shelf!

Are you being forced to atone for some horrible sin?

My h does something like that. He's a courier for an on-demand delivery service, except he sits at home and waits for jobs. Some days he'll do a couple little local jobs and make hardly any money, other days (like a few nights ago) he drove to Phoenix to pick up a package and then drove to El Paso, TX to deliver it and made around $300 after gas.

I went directly to the pool from work today, and swam laps for an hour. I had the pool to myself for most of the time, which is so lovely. Now I am home, eating a sandwich for dinner, and getting ready to type up the dream I had last night for further workings-with.

I'm trying to better myself. Improve my mind. That kind of stuff.

The limits of improving my mind seem to come around the fifth time I read "slider away" within two pages.

I am such a dork. I just emailed t last night's dream and told her I'd been thinking today about asking to come this weekend again - until our director advised us of mandatory overtime on Saturday. Why did I tell her that? Sheesh.

You are not a dork!! That's great that you can share your thoughts openly with your t. Ya know, they know us and I bet your t smiled at your email.

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Smiling, and shaking her head, no doubt! I always feel like I'm being a pest when I email her. And she always insists she has never experienced me that way. So far, I have not taken that as a challenge.

....that was a joke, of course.

I'm having a lot of trouble with meds, still. I left a message for my endocrinologist. I hope he reduces the med. it's causing a lot of problems now. I just took half a pill today and I'm still feeling jittery and prone to tears about nothing. I hate this.

Well I didn't sleep very much last night, had a wicked bout of acid reflux for some reason, I almost got on here in my inability to sleep but instead decided to sit up in hubby's recliner and watch mindless tv until I was able to go to sleep about an hour and a half before my alarm went off. (Kinda weird, I slept so little but still managed a really insightful dream.)

Night, couch!!

Theres a guy at my pool who looks like santa claus. Beard and belly and smiley. SO FAR i have not said hi santa - but i dont know how much longer i can behave myself!!

Please tell me he wears a little red Speedo...

What are you waiting for, girl? Make your move!

I just did the same thing! . Smiling. My counselor tells me the same thing. I type the email, reread it and hit send. Then! I'm feeling needy and wishing so badly there was an "unsend" button.

My counselor smiles and shakes his head at me, and tells me I can email him as much as I want.

What is that!!

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So what if I can work full-time when my best is still not good enough and it's only me being in a unionised which makes me hard to be retrenched?

I still am unable to socialise or do a ton of ordinary, routine things others do without thinking.

Oh my!! . A little red Speedo on Santa is way too much to visualize. I hope he's not wearing the shiny black boots too!!

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Great, now that image is stuck in my head...

Eta: Google results often reassure me that I am not the only one out there with a twisted mind.

Trail... I am afraid to sound lecturing because I'm feeling strongly worried. I feel your marriage fits a emotional abuse "power and control wheel".

Oh my gosh!!! Laughing!! I thought about the black belt but didn't say it!!

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I had a Brit Lit professor in college who I swear had a side job during the holidays as Santa. I went to school out in East Texas and he was native to the area including the really strong East Texas drawl. Nothing like having Shakespeare read to you by Santa with a Texas drawl. Pretty humorous. Great professor though. Took two classes with him.

Thank you QuietMind. Your reply feels caring to me. I will have to agree with you on the abuse and power/control. I also have to say that I have enabled it for the past 27 years. I'm not saying it's my fault, but I now see that I played into it.

As I've become stronger in who I am, I've made some shifts and the parts of me that, in the past, stepped in and did what was needed for peace and everything to be ok are waking up. I actually experienced the feeling of freedom tonight for "compliance" it came from what happened last night and my reaction to it. It was amazing to feel a lighter feeling talking with my counselor about it, along with a topic in my book that was connected with it.

This may sound lame, and I'm not thinking rainbows and butterflies, but my h actually apologized to me. NEVER has happened before. A text is not face to face, but who knows? Right?

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Cont to previous post.

As I've become stronger and set some small boundaries my h has made some changes too. They have been little steps, but my heart hopes for the best.

Forgive me for ranting and dumping it here when he is a jerk. There is no one else that knows what it's like and no one I feel ok sharing it with besides my counselor.

There is fear of him "jacking" me around, but I hope the the stronger parts of me will pick up on it. They are trusting me to read the situation so they don't have to step in. Hope that makes sense.

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Hi, couch.

It is quarter till 2 in the morning and I am still wide awake. I finished my paper at 800-something words. It's turned in and waiting to be graded.

I really wish I was tired enough to go to bed as I have T in the morning. I have had such abnormal sleep lately. I can't get to sleep or stay asleep it seems. I am wondering if it is from my meds or my mental illness or something completely different. I should probably ask pdoc, but I am kind of afraid to tell him out of fear he will want to put me on sleeping pills. I do NOT want another med...especially sleeping pills. Not every time, but occasionally he tries to add anxiety medication because he says I look extremely anxious. That is normally after about 2 months of not taking my meds regularly though, so that could be why I look anxious then.

Well, I am going to go try to tire myself out to get to bed and get some sleep before T tomorrow.

I feel the same way sometimes. I'm grateful that's I've got a job that I mostly enjoy and I'm mostly good at and have job security...but people don't realize what a toll that job takes on me, mentally and emotionally and physically. They don't realize that I literally have no energy left for living a life.

Trail, vent away all you want. I know how lonely it is to carry things and only have a T to ease the weight for a short while.

Thank you! Can't seem to settle myself tonight. So much in my mind.

I hope you find peace with your job. The thought of working from home popped in my mind when I read your post. I've looked into some, there are many options. Just a thought.

Think I'll try and see if I can't get some down time.

Night.

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I hope you can get a good night's rest, Trail.

Working from home is not an option.

Despite paying heavy bills for my younger brother and myself, paying filial duties to my parents and all, I cannot afford to move out of the family home.

I cannot rent independently and shelters will not take me unless I am forcibly kicked out of the family home. Hard to explain Asian culture...

My workplace is psychologically healthier than the family home, sadly. Finding another job which would allow me to take time off for psychotherapy and afford all my bills will be incredibly difficult. Like it or not, it's hard to have it as good as I do in this unionised job.

Sorry I'm so pessimistic.