[ramonajones]

I have a second therapist now, and he is really great. I've seen him like four times and I'm already feeling better overall. I think that he can really help me. I our first session he revealed to me that he may have to reschedule appointments sometimes because his two year old baby has leukemia and sometimes he needs to go to chemotherapy with her. He's a great therapist and I really feel like he can help me, but I'm just overwhelmed with sadness for his plight. I have a baby and would be so devastated if he was suffering. It seems like every week my T has some new horrible development where he's like: "Sorry can't meet on Monday--there's a special chemo treatment happening" and I'm just like HOLY S**T.

I also pay him out of pocket and need a statement from him to submit to my insurance so I can get partially reimbursed--he said he sends them out at the end of each month but I never got one for last month and am afraid to bother him about sending one to me because of all that he's got on his plate. It's super expensive therapy and I kind of need to submit the receipt but I just can't bear to bug him about it right now with all he's dealing with!

It's very sad that your T and his family are experiencing such a terrible situation. I do hope she is okay.
I do want to say this though - a therapist has a duty to ensure they are fit to practice. I'm sure he will have made an assessment of his own situation and emotional needs, and clearly he has decided he is able to take you on as a client at this time. That means he deems himself okay to deal with your billing. That's his call, and while I think you are kind to be so considerate of his situation, you also need to trust him to deal with his stuff himself. You deserve that.

[notthisagain]

I agree with Echos. I'm glad that you like your therapist and everything, but IMO it isn't fair to you for him to go into that much detail about his family obligations. He should have just said that sometimes he has to reschedule and leave it at that. You should NEVER feel like your needs are an imposition. He is there to help YOU, not the other way around.

[Myrto]

I agree with notthisagain, he probably shouldn't have told you that his baby has leukemia. You are not supposed to care about his needs and his problems, therapy is about you, not him. Of course it's totally human to care about him but to avoid that, he shouldn't have told you the whole story. That wasn't necessary.

[ramonajones]

OK, I am going to send him a very basic unemotional email asking if he can send me a statement for last month's appointments when he gets a chance. Eeeeeesh.

I am kind of glad he told me about his troubles though, is that weird? On the other hand, i woke up thinking about him and his baby today and just wishing there was anything in the world I could do to help. It was actually VERY preferable to the obsessive thoughts I usually wake up with about this rejection I got a few years back that I haven't been able to get over.

I've just been thinking: how can I be helpful to him? And all I can think of is: ummm,...maybe not bug him about sending me a receipt right now? Eeesh. Such a tough situation.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ramonajones

OK, I am going to send him a very basic unemotional email asking if he can send me a statement for last month's appointments when he gets a chance. Eeeeeesh.

I am kind of glad he told me about his troubles though, is that weird? On the other hand, i woke up thinking about him and his baby today and just wishing there was anything in the world I could do to help. It was actually VERY preferable to the obsessive thoughts I usually wake up with about this rejection I got a few years back that I haven't been able to get over.

I've just been thinking: how can I be helpful to him? And all I can think of is: ummm,...maybe not bug him about sending me a receipt right now? Eeesh. Such a tough situation.

I understand what you're going through. As a result of a few cancellations and something I overheard last year, I figured out that my marriage counselor has someone living with him who requires 24-hour care (a home health worker). Earlier this year, from a story he told, I thought maybe it was his wife. I asked my T about it (they're in the same practice and friends), and though she didn't answer, I saw her eyes well up with tears, which told me I was right. He's someone I already care about and am attached to (some paternal and a bit of erotic transference), and this was really upsetting to me. He's in his early 50s (I think she is, too), which is only 12 years older than me, so it just seems so young, plus they have two teens.

I ended up asking him about it one session, though I wasn't sure if it was OK. He didn't give me many details, but did confirm that it was his wife and said things like it was a chronic issue for now, that it was manageable, and that he'd rather deal with this particular condition/illness than some other ones. From another story he told recently (about "a relative"), I figured out that she's probably in a wheelchair. He had to cancel a few sessions in a row a couple months ago, one of which he said was due to a "family emergency," which made me worried. Both for him, because I didn't want him to suffer, and also because I was afraid he'd have to be gone for a long time or would decide to, say, practice from his home instead (which is an hour away from me). Ended up talking to him about it then, too, and again, he didn't give me details, but confirmed that things were OK. And that he didn't anticipate having to take any extended leave or stop practicing.

I can't imagine your situation, where it's his young daughter... As much as I want to know exactly what's going on with MC, I feel like it probably is better if I don't know the specifics. So your T probably shouldn't have told you it was cancer and that he's cancelling so his daughter can go to chemo, but since you're new, maybe he didn't want you to think he was just flaking out.

So my suggestion is to talk to him about it. Talk about your concerns in your next session. For now, send him the e-mail asking for the bill (I assume he doesn't have a receptionist/administrative assistant you could ask?) He should at least attend to those parts of his job, even if he can't come into the office. But I'd talk to him about how you're worried that right now he can't be there for you. Tell him how you didn't want to bother him by sending the bill. I suspect he'll say it's fine to do that, how he has to take care of himself, that he appreciates your concern. But really, when he does come in to the office, his job is probably a good outlet for him, to focus on other people's lives and help them, when maybe he feels helpless in his own life. My MC has said before that he loves his job, and I suspect many T's feel the same way. So they want to be helping other people, even as they're struggling themselves.

[ramonajones]

So,...this is NUTS. Completely by accident...I was NOT trying to find this...I saw a link for a crowdfunding page to raise money for his sick daughter. I donated $25 to a friend of mine's crowdfunding campaign, and when I got to the confirmation page there were a whole bunch of other campaigns listed from dog rescues to creative projects and one that said "Help (daughter's name) fight leukemia". I knew it was his kid right away and when I clicked on it I was right--it said his first name and a whole bunch of identifying information confirming it was him and it was a campaign that gave EVERY STINKING DETAIL about his daughter's horrific illness and explained how he and his wife were spending every night sleeping in the hospital and how much they appreciated everyone's help raising money to try to help pay the hospital bills. I feel SO FRIGGING BAD for him. I wish I could give money to the campaign but even if I give anonymously I'm afraid it'll somehow be linked to my name and he'll find out. Oy.

Thanks so much for everyone's advice. I DID send him a request for a bill and I think that next session I will be able to let him know how concerned I am about his situation.

Sheesh. I finally found someone who's really helping me and what a strange and sad complication!

[dizzydoo]

I agree with some of the earlier posters. When it is a major personal thing that is affecting him, I think he should have withheld the personal details, particularly as he knows you have a baby.

Also I wouldn't donate. I previously donated "anonymously" to a friend's campaign, and received a personal email from her thanking me. I was too embarrassed to ask her how she knew it was me when it was anonymous.

Hugs to you, Ramonajones.

Originally Posted by dizzydoo

I agree with some of the earlier posters. When it is a major personal thing that is affecting him, I think he should have withheld the personal details, particularly as he knows you have a baby.

Also I wouldn't donate. I previously donated "anonymously" to a friend's campaign, and received a personal email from her thanking me. I was too embarrassed to ask her how she knew it was me when it was anonymous.

I wish I'd known that when I donated on my ex T's daughter in law's page
Ah well, nothing I can do now I suppose!

[songofthesea]

Are you sure it isn't an automated thanks to whichever email address is given?

[ruh roh]

Anonymous means that the donor's name is not made public on the campaign's page where donors' names and dollar amounts are listed. It's not anonymous to people who are raising the money.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by notthisagain

I agree with Echos. I'm glad that you like your therapist and everything, but IMO it isn't fair to you for him to go into that much detail about his family obligations. He should have just said that sometimes he has to reschedule and leave it at that. You should NEVER feel like your needs are an imposition. He is there to help YOU, not the other way around.

Yeah I see your point for sure. But in this instance I agree with his decision to tell. Without understanding how very extreme a situation the therapist is in, the client might feel jerked around by frequent sudden cancellations. I think knowing that these are circumstances that are truly beyond his control and that he really can't delegate his responsibility to anyone else would calm my concern that my T was flakey or didn't prioritize my appointments.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Yeah I see your point for sure. But in this instance I agree with his decision to tell. Without understanding how very extreme a situation the therapist is in, the client might feel jerked around by frequent sudden cancellations. I think knowing that these are circumstances that are truly beyond his control and that he really can't delegate his responsibility to anyone else would calm my concern that my T was flakey or didn't prioritize my appointments.

That's how I felt too FJ. I mean, there literally couldn't be a better reason for him to have to reschedule appointments, and since I'm SO sensitive to the idea that I'm unimportant/"just a client" I would for sure take every rescheduling or delayed response to an email as a personal affront--that he just didn't care about me. Knowing that he's not available cause his baby has cancer makes me think: "Um,...YEAH. I GET why he's not available all the time." He's very open and straightforward and I think that's one of the reasons he's been helpful so far. My first therapist is such a friggin' enigma. I just have absolutely no idea what he's thinking, and so most of the time that leads me to believe he's annoyed with me and wants me to quit therapy!

I can't believe I found that crowdfunding page though. YEESH!

[Mully]

That does sound like a very tough situation.

A couple of years ago my T's husband passed away from cancer. It was a really quick illness and was very sudden. She had to take a sudden leave for about six months- one day she was there and the next she was away. I honestly didn't even know if she would come back (although in fairness to her, her colleague did tell me she would be in touch when she was ready to).

Anyway, I bring this up only because normally, in an ideal therapy situation, we aren't really meant to know personal info about the T. It was hard when she came back because I had a lot of feelings about her absence- feelings about her specific situation and her feelings, worrying about how she was doing, and then there was the stuff on my end- missing her, feeling left behind- but then feeling selfish that I was worried about myself when she was going through a lot.

However, in the end, it actually has really helped me. I've been able to see her as more human. She's been wonderful about modelling good healthy boundaries with me, but also not being a blank slate, which is very helpful for me.

I also agree with what some of the others have said- he probably really does "enjoy" his work as a healthy distraction from his life, at times.

Hopefully you can have a conversation with him more about what has come up for you, and he can reassure you.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Mully

That does sound like a very tough situation.

A couple of years ago my T's husband passed away from cancer. It was a really quick illness and was very sudden. She had to take a sudden leave for about six months- one day she was there and the next she was away. I honestly didn't even know if she would come back (although in fairness to her, her colleague did tell me she would be in touch when she was ready to).

Anyway, I bring this up only because normally, in an ideal therapy situation, we aren't really meant to know personal info about the T. It was hard when she came back because I had a lot of feelings about her absence- feelings about her specific situation and her feelings, worrying about how she was doing, and then there was the stuff on my end- missing her, feeling left behind- but then feeling selfish that I was worried about myself when she was going through a lot.

However, in the end, it actually has really helped me. I've been able to see her as more human. She's been wonderful about modelling good healthy boundaries with me, but also not being a blank slate, which is very helpful for me.

I also agree with what some of the others have said- he probably really does "enjoy" his work as a healthy distraction from his life, at times.

Hopefully you can have a conversation with him more about what has come up for you, and he can reassure you.

I have been thinking about him and his baby a lot, but his style is very open and direct, whereas my first therapist who I feel pretty stuck with is extremely hard for me to read. I feel much more relaxed with T2.

[therapyishelping777]

That is really important to have that connection and be relaxed with someone, he seems he might be worth seeing if things can be worked out!

[kecanoe]

T1's nephew committed suicide and I heard about it from another source. Actually I knew the nephew was having some major issues because a woman I was in Bible study with for a year was good friends with the nephew's mom. So I would get weekly updates and of course I prayed for him. I put it together because T1 asked about my experience with Malaria preventing drugs (which was bad) and mentioned that his nephew was struggling. So for quite a while I was getting weekly updates about the nephew including some pretty strange behavior but I didn't say anything in therapy. It didn't really pertain and I am not in the habit of sharing stuff like that anyway.

So when the nephew suicided I got a call from the church member asking for prayer for the family. Soon after I was in t's office and he said that he was having a really bad day and I could tell he was struggling to keep it together. I decided to just tell him that I knew about his nephew. It wasn't a real productive session, but I did learn about grief and how much it affected family members, Which was helpful in my own struggle with ideation.

T3 would never give me the info so that I could make the connection in the first place.

I can see the benefit in both sides.

And, I think if I were OP I would give to the family if I wanted to. I might use a different email address, but it only takes a minute to sign up for a hotmail or yahoo account.

[ramonajones]

I've been thinking about him lots. Can't imagine what he's going through. And I wanted to talk to T1 about it because he knows T2 personally, but I feel so awkward with T1 I just couldn't bring it up. Ugh.

Still no receipt form T2. I definitely can't ask again. Hopefully eventually he'll just remember to send it?

[ramonajones]

Another week and no receipt. I'm seeing him again tomorow and will have to ask him about it, but I feel guilty because I know he has so much on his plate. I've just been taking the money out of my savings account to pay him and telling myself that it's OK and that I'll put the money back in when I eventually get the reimbursement. It is so stressful though, watching my money dwindle down because the sessions are very expensive. When I submit my receipts to the insurance company I usually feel a little less stressed because then I know that at least I'm in the process of getting reimbursed. Now, I'm just putting out lots of money and haven't even started the reimbursement process. I feel really guilty about asking him for the receipt again since he's clearly too overwhelmed to take care of his administrative stuff right now. I'm trying to find a way to talk to him about this that won't seem insensitive. I even considered creating my own receipt and submitting it, based on a receipt he gave me for the first session that I had with him a few months back. That would be insurance fraud though, right?

[Favorite Jeans]

What if you just say that you can't afford to pay him until your insurance reimburses you?

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

What if you just say that you can't afford to pay him until your insurance reimburses you?

That's a REALLY good idea.