Something T said bothers me

Last session I told T that maybe she was TOO friendly and that's why it's hard for me to accept the boundaries and reality of our relationship. So she said something like "if my style isn't good for you maybe ....I must have dissociated because I didn't hear the rest. I assume it was "maybe you should see someone else."

I've seen her for over 6 years and told her many times that I'm never seeing anyone else. I will stay with her until one of us dies or she stops working or moves out of town. I mean that. I've seen 5 other Ts and taken DBT. NOW she's suggesting I see someone else because of her style?

That stings! After all of our work together, she says that? I don't understand but I realize she said it out of caring about me. Why didn't she say anything about her style before? She wanted examples of how she was too friendly. I told her maybe the emailing, her being casual and open. Sending her photos and her commenting about them, in her one response, not that she answered me every time I sent a photo.

I have to admit her being friendly does make it seem more like we're friends. But to suggest after 6 years that her style might not be good for me?

Her warm style enabled me to get close to her and feel comfortable talking about anything. I didn't feel that way about my other Ts. I feel a secure attachment toward her.

I'm just feeling more and more like I misinterpreted her attitude. But, no. She made it clear from the start that she was like a coach, and that I would gradually need her less. I do need her less, but I want her just as much. None of my Ts could resolve the attachment problem, whether they had stricter boundaries or not. I have to do it myself. It's hard to keep therapy within the session only. That's why I want to post so much. I told T at my session that I was going backwards, and she said, "No, it means we have more work to do."

I wonder if you do have secure attachment? I'm not trying to be harsh, I just feel secure attachment might not involve some of the things you describe.

Rainbow - what response did you expect or want from the comment that she was too friendly? I hate to say it, but her answer follows logically to me.

I'm not sure what the exact definition is but I know my T cares very much about me no matter what I say or do. She won't abandon me. She wants me to grow up but she's going to be there for me. In the session, not out of it
I know she loves me in the best therapeutic way. What else does a secure attachment mean?

It's a wiki link. Sorry, eating and posting at the same time, but perhaps it will explain:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

It's the timing. After 6 years? I didn't want her to say something that I can interpret as rejection. Like what happened after last session. It hurts! Never gonna email her unless it's an emergency or scheduling so I'm processing it here. I feel disappointed and frustrated about my therapy but somewhere in my brain is a part that knows I have to start separating from my T.

I sympathise hugely. But have you ever considered that what you have is a bond and not an attachment? What is Secure Attachment and Bonding? Understanding the Different Ways of Bonding and Communicating With Your Child. She wouldn't have the same impact on you, from what I've read in your posts, if you had a secure attachment. But you do have a bond of love, which is not reciprocated in the same way, hence the anguish.

So I'm a failure with respect to attachment? I vaguely remember T and I agreeing we did have a secure attachment. Can my therapy still succeed if I don't have it? I'm feeling worse by the minute but no one's fault.

Oh Rainbow, I do feel for you, I really do, and I can't imagine what you are going through. Can you try not to question it and just let it be. Your T is what she is and your relationship is there, as it is. The more you question what she meant by that statement or whether you have a secure attachment or not just gets you feeling worse. It doesn't change the situation. Your T is not ousbinbg you out of the door, I am sure of it. She may be just letting you know you have options, but whatever, it doesn't really change anything for now at least.

I only say this because when my T and I were discussing the child v adult v good enough mother we went round and round in circles until I decided that whatever we both thought or felt on that it didn't change what we did have and how we were working, it was all fairly immaterial. As soon as I realised that I found I could let it go and just revel in the relationship as it was.

I hope that helps in some way. Hugs to you.

What Waterbear said!

I don't think you can "fail" at attachment - although as I have an avoidant attachment style myself, who am I to talk?

When did you discuss secure attachment with your therapist? Yours seems more like anxious attachment to me.

It does help. I have to cut down on PC as well as my T. Maybe I should just send PMs. I don't know. I'm physically exhausted, supposed to go on a trip Monday, and don't know what's wrong. I'm going to try to take a nap. I want support but can't stand the criticism. I have to figure out a compromise like no threads, just posts. Except I'm not emailing my T. I agree with T it's bad for me. Journaling is lonely! I'm sorry I'm so pathetic. I know everyone here is trying to help me like T is.

Maybe a few months ago I don't remember. She said I had anxious or preoccupied with my Mom. I recently read Wallin's book on attachment. I still don't understand it.

Not pathetic at all. You just need to find what works for you. I have cut down on here too because it wasn't doing me much good. I like to post in the dear T thread and the in session thread as well as my journalling because of the loneliness of journalling. I have had my bike out this week and have felt so free riding it through the countryside. I also found walking helped me organise my thoughts but in a calm way. As I said, its just about finding what works for you.

I'm sorry if what I said upset you rainbow. Some of what you post seems rooted in anxiety and I hope T can help. Don't rule out seeing someone else. I swore I never would but new T is so open, it heals the shame I felt with needing.

I agree that it's not about succeeding or failing at attachment. From what I understand, people tend to end up with their specific attachment style from childhood. Mine is definitely anxious/preoccupied. No matter how much therapy I get, I doubt I'll ever have a 100% secure attachment to anyone. It's just the way I'm wired. I can (and have) become more aware of that issue and understand it better. So that I can realize that when I wonder about someone abandoning me, it's probably coming more from me and my fears/self-doubt than from the other person.

I don't think your T is trying to push you away at all. You were saying you weren't happy with her style, so I think she was just trying to say that if it's not working for you, then you can do what's best for you. Not that she's going to leave you. But that if you realize it's not working with her, that you could in theory choose to leave her. That she would understand.

Thank you. My T has been the best I've had though. For 6 years she's accepted my needing her, and I believe she still does. She's caring and accepting and compassionate. I love her. No one else would put my artwork up on their walls and tell me how many clients compliment it! But I won't rule anything out. I had so many different kinds of T's. I liked IFS best even though my T likes SE. She taught me breathing and living in the present, and got me back into painting and yoga. She's the only T I'll talk about my body with. I really don't want a different T.

I still say - attachment, secure or otherwise, is a pediatric diagnosis. What you look at in t is whether the transference is in place, so the therapy can happen. Your goal may be the capacity to form a secure attachment with an available person. A t is not available, so maybe the best we can do is to NOT be all insecure re the t? Then not be all insecure with a regular person, THEN be secure with another secure person.

That could take forever! But seriously, isnt it enough if we just stop irritating people at our older age, and help out instead of needing help? (Talking about myself. Not that i really have plans to stop irritating people!)

Secure attachment basically means you feel secure in your relationship with the person. You care about them, are confident that they care about you and are not afraid of being abandoned by them or others. It is ideally what children form with care givers and enables a later feeling of security that is very deeply ingrained. So much so that securely attached people tend to not spend time thinking about attachment at all, if that makes sense. They often have a strong sense of self and understand that relationships may end and, although they hurt like everyone else, they are able to move on and function in life. This is a very broad and general description and obviously there are variations depending on the person, but its an example of what you'd expect to see with a securely attached individual.

In relation to you and your T, I think your concern about her outside of session shows that you are attached but maybe not securely attached. A securely attached person would be more likely to leave their feelings about therapy in the therapy room. They might think about her because of a fondness, but the nature of the relationship would very clear they probably wouldn't want much more out of the relationship. If they did, it would probably be temporary. The strong feelings might be intense during distress, but once it subsides, so would the feelings for the T.

Attachment is something that forms very early in childhood and is ingrained in us. It's not impossible to change but I don't know if it can be changed completely in later adulthood. I mean, some of the way you relate may just be who you are as a person and not something you need to change. it's just something you need to be aware of so you can manage insecurities and strong feelings that come up. I think your T handles your interactions very, very well. Even her most recent response, even though it pissed you off. It's ok to be annoyed and hurt by what she said, but the goal is to ultimately hear her say things like that and not have them cause the distress that they do. I think you are working so hard and doing so well, especially with what you've been through over the past year and with the fears you have. Just keep going forward and welcome her challenges. From my perspective, it looks like your therapy really is working.

I am delighted to hear that. I'm pretty sure that's your raison d'être.

But so as not to hijack the thread...you think transference HAS to happen in therapy?