[runlola72]

Today I told my T about having had a crush on my female ex-T (several T's back). Hers was an intoxicating therapy environment for me with candles and incense and Tibetan singing bowls and music... She really made a big deal about my eye contact being so bad and constantly (gently) reminded me to look at her. She was lovely. Touch is hard for me so she encouraged "almost touching", where our hands would almost meet, just hover very near each other, to sense the other person's energy (ie body heat). She played a song for me in session that was (to my overactive imagination) very romantic in nature and then emailed it to me, saying it made her think of me. She told me repeatedly I was one of her favorite clients. She was beautiful and although only a few years older than me, seemed so maternal, wise, protective. When I began having feelings for her, I panicked. I knew nothing of transference, so I was relieved by other people's stories online. I was not a freak after all. Transference is normal, apparently, and can be used as a tool for further growth. From everything I read, I needed to talk about this with her.

I did bring it up, and the response was devastating. She was repulsed. I can't think of a better word. Maybe horrified. I don't know. With a disgusted look on her face she asked me if I masturbated to thoughts of her. I wanted to die. Of course I said no, and wished that were true. She asked if I thought I would be able to continue working with her, could I put these thoughts behind me? I was ashamed, but the thought of losing her was unbearable. I said I would forget these thoughts, and I really did try. A few weeks later, I received a letter from T that her rates were going up. Then another few months later, they went up again. When they went up again, I terminated because I could not afford her anymore. I live adjacent to a wealthy area and even the initial fee was too much for me, but when it went up to $120 I couldn't do it. She assured me that it was standard to send the letter out to all her clients but that I didn't have to pay more than I could. Not sure if she meant that, but I terminated anyway. I just had a really sick feeling.

I brought this up to T today, explaining why boundaries are so important to me, and he agreed that this past T was way too "loosey-goosey" with her boundaries. He couldn't believe it when I showed him the lyrics to the song she sent me. I think he understands my cautiousness in therapy better now, why I make zero effort to look at his eyes (too intimate), and maybe why I've held back a bit in sharing a few things. I explained that my older self knows I need strong boundaries because otherwise I misinterpret things so easily. My young self hates these boundaries, however, and essentially tantrums when he doesn't return emails immediately.

Anyway, yay me! I thought this T would be repulsed by my story, but I was wrong. He said everything exactly right, and told me ex-T should have been trained in how to handle transference, and it absolutely should have been talked about. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted somehow.

[songofthesea]

Wow. Present therapist is absolutely right - she should have been trained in handling transference and she forgot the very simple necessity of putting the client's needs first. Are you sure she was qualified or just calling herself one? I just saw in another thread: "she has texted me several times, to promote her new practice, ask for referrals, ask for a final termination session that we never had to process things" - she sounds selfish and irresponsible. She made it about her own needs and issues.

[annielovesbacon]

Wow. I am just so saddened by your previous T's reaction. A good T should know how to handle transference, even if it makes them uncomfortable. And the environment in the first place could make anyone develop a crush, lol!
I'm glad your new T sounds more responsible. I hope things continue to work out well with him

[Longingforhome]

Runlola, I am so pleased for you that you have found a solid, grounded T with the empathy to help you through this. What happened with you last T was wrong. She blurred the boundaries and then was unable to be there for you when the results of her poor handling landed on her. It's great that you're feeling lighter about this, and that the responsibly has been put firmly where it belongs. With your ex T

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[divine1966]

I am so happy that you found good t.

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[Out There]

Much better T for you now. I find it disturbing to read about when those sort of things happen that are no reflection on the client. And good that you brought it up and are now able to work on it.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by songofthesea

Wow. Present therapist is absolutely right - she should have been trained in handling transference and she forgot the very simple necessity of putting the client's needs first. Are you sure she was qualified or just calling herself one? I just saw in another thread: "she has texted me several times, to promote her new practice, ask for referrals, ask for a final termination session that we never had to process things" - she sounds selfish and irresponsible. She made it about her own needs and issues.

Sorry I did not clarify. That was my last T, and she was great but not what I needed in a T. Her texting was crossing boundaries I guess, but I wasn't emotionally involved. The irony is, she was a lesbian and would not have been repulsed by my crush if I had had one... And I feel pretty sure she would have handled it better than first T.

First T (who was actually not my first T but first since I moved here), was new, and getting her hours for licensure. Hence why her fee was "low" in the beginning. I knew her rates would go up eventually, but the timing was just so suspicious. I don't know if she got training in transference, but it clearly was something she needs to work on.

[WrkNPrgress]

Wow. I'm glad you found a a supportive therapist with a better perspective!!!

I am still so shocked to read how many therapists are not trained to handle transference well.

[Bipolar Warrior]

This makes me so angry on your behalf. I mean, it's simple: don't blur boundaries if you're not prepared to deal with transference! I can't believe how clueless some therapists can be when it comes to these things. Just terrible.

I'm glad you are able to talk about it now, and that you have a therapist who is able to help you deal with it.

Oh wow Lola, I am really sorry your t reacted like this. Sounds atrocious. She almost set up your therapy so you would develop feelings for her, candles, romantic music, telling you everything you wanted to here. I am always disgusted when I hear stories like this. How on earth could somebody (a t) nor understand how easy it is to develop feelings for our therapists. It's natural and means our t is meeting some of our needs. I am sorry she felt like this, it shows a lot about her own feelings. She sounds homophobic. Asking if you masterbated whilst thinking of her what therapeutic value does that have for you and it's almost voyeuristic. She is incredibly sick and doesn't understand sexuality or relationships.

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[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Today I told my T about having had a crush on my female ex-T (several T's back). Hers was an intoxicating therapy environment for me with candles and incense and Tibetan singing bowls and music... She really made a big deal about my eye contact being so bad and constantly (gently) reminded me to look at her. She was lovely. Touch is hard for me so she encouraged "almost touching", where our hands would almost meet, just hover very near each other, to sense the other person's energy (ie body heat). She played a song for me in session that was (to my overactive imagination) very romantic in nature and then emailed it to me, saying it made her think of me. She told me repeatedly I was one of her favorite clients. She was beautiful and although only a few years older than me, seemed so maternal, wise, protective. When I began having feelings for her, I panicked. I knew nothing of transference, so I was relieved by other people's stories online. I was not a freak after all. Transference is normal, apparently, and can be used as a tool for further growth. From everything I read, I needed to talk about this with her.

I did bring it up, and the response was devastating. She was repulsed. I can't think of a better word. Maybe horrified. I don't know. With a disgusted look on her face she asked me if I masturbated to thoughts of her. I wanted to die. Of course I said no, and wished that were true. She asked if I thought I would be able to continue working with her, could I put these thoughts behind me? I was ashamed, but the thought of losing her was unbearable. I said I would forget these thoughts, and I really did try. A few weeks later, I received a letter from T that her rates were going up. Then another few months later, they went up again. When they went up again, I terminated because I could not afford her anymore. I live adjacent to a wealthy area and even the initial fee was too much for me, but when it went up to $120 I couldn't do it. She assured me that it was standard to send the letter out to all her clients but that I didn't have to pay more than I could. Not sure if she meant that, but I terminated anyway. I just had a really sick feeling.

I brought this up to T today, explaining why boundaries are so important to me, and he agreed that this past T was way too "loosey-goosey" with her boundaries. He couldn't believe it when I showed him the lyrics to the song she sent me. I think he understands my cautiousness in therapy better now, why I make zero effort to look at his eyes (too intimate), and maybe why I've held back a bit in sharing a few things. I explained that my older self knows I need strong boundaries because otherwise I misinterpret things so easily. My young self hates these boundaries, however, and essentially tantrums when he doesn't return emails immediately.

Anyway, yay me! I thought this T would be repulsed by my story, but I was wrong. He said everything exactly right, and told me ex-T should have been trained in how to handle transference, and it absolutely should have been talked about. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted somehow.

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Kudos to you Lola for talking about this with your current T and shame on your old T for handling your situation completely wrong! Your post made me realize what a great T that I have! I wrote more to you in a p. note because I'm always afraid that my current T will spot me on these boards!

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

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Kudos to you Lola for talking about this with your current T and shame on your old T for handling your situation completely wrong! Your post made me realize what a great T that I have! I wrote more to you in a p. note because I'm always afraid that my current T will spot me on these boards!

Thanks SC, I responded to your PM