Whats so wrong about disassociating?

Dissociation distorts reality. If a puzzle has do many missing pieces, you can't really tell what it is a picture of.

There have been many good answers already, so I'm not sure mine will add anything, but here goes. I also dissociated all the time, and had to do the same types of maneuvers you did - searching for clues in everything, reading the clues I left myself. It started when I was 4 and it's ~50 years later.

It started with CSA, which was awful. So I blocked it out. But then I woke up as a preteen and there was an adult man on and in me. Next thing I knew I was a senior in H.S. How the heck did that happen? Did I even go to school? Learn anything at all? No sooner was I a college freshman than I was targeted by a predator and held captive for 18 months. Of course, I dissociated the entire time and can only speak in sound-bites about that time, thru the hazy glimmer of my sieve-like memory. 20 years went by and don't you know, I married someone who was just like the prig from school. I got myself out 10 years later. I beat myself up constantly for marrying him, for staying with him.

Therapy now is helping me see that dissociation saved my life. I would either have been severely mentally ill or let's face it, dead. But the downside was that I never learned the warning signs of a dangerous relationship, b/c I was so out of it. I just floated along moment to moment, telling myself that things weren't that bad; the next day would be better. I kept everything to myself and yet kept everything from myself. B/c I didn't realize it was a problem, I never shared any details about my life with anyone. And b/c I never got anyone's perspective, I didn't realize that it was a problem.

Breaking the dissociation habit (and I use the word only now, now that I don't need it) has been very hard. The moment I start speaking of past trauma, I feel the change starting to take place. (just to clarify, during severe crisis, there is no awareness of change. There is just automatic switching. Only now that I'm safe can I recognize it) But now, I tell my therapist that I feel fuzzy and we back off the discussion and try it again a bit later. Practice makes perfect. She won't let me avoid the topic, but I can at least be more aware and in control.

So that's my answer. While living a dissociated life, I didn't learn from my mistakes. Now that I'm more present, I have twice now felt a creepy vibe from someone and knew that I didn't want to be around that person. I was as proud as a toddler learning to walk LOL.

Best wishes to you,
Shaggy

Dissociation can hide the truth from you. People can abuse you and you don't even know about it.

I got that fuzzy feeling today in t. I could hear everybody but I was still sort of present. I told T1 that I needed to ground but he is kind of clueless about that. So he just gave me space. I was able to regroup mostly. Which I think was a good thing to know that I can do.

It's ok with me that I dissociate in therapy, but I don't want to appear spaced out like that in front of other people. I do not want to seem weird.

I do all of these too! It's always been diagnosed as ADHD for me.

Good point