[objectclient]

I have interviewed a potential new T this week and my head is a mess.

As anyone who's read my previous threads will know, I feel that therapy with T2 and T3s was harmful to me. Perhaps they didn't realize what they were triggering, perhaps I interpreted things wrongly, perhaps they were incompetent or maybe they thrived on power and manipulation and weren't keeping their feelings in check. Nonetheless, I feel traumatized by the therapy experiences themselves.

T2 initiated a hug and put an arm around me when I was in the midst of difficult feelings. She also reached for my hand. At the time, I was unaware of my unmet emotional needs from childhood and attachment issues and subsequent sessions would frequently end with a hug. I was hooked. A few sessions later, I took notice of my feeling that something wasn't right about this. It felt as though the hugs I was getting from T was the connection I had desperately been missing my whole life from my parents. Finally having this connection was extremely powerful: it was joyous, frightening, painful and sad all at the same time as I grieved for what I had never had. However, I soon realized that this was a thirst that could not be quenched no matter how many hugs I received from T. The separation after each session was painful and I felt like I couldn't bear to let go. None of this was talked about in session but I knew that it wasn't emotionally healthy for me to be feeling this way so I asked for the hugs to stop and they did. There were a couple of times T asked if she could give me a hug and I refused. When therapy terminated, she asked again, for her benefit she said, not mine and I complied. It wasn't that I didn't want a hug. I was just so frightened by the emotions that it brought up; the longing, the pain and the sadness. I did try to talk about my attachment to her prior to termination but it was swept under the rug. When we said goodbye, I was devastated. I know therapy is a professional relationship and it isn't appropriate to feel this way but it felt like I had finally made that connection I had been longing for my whole life only for it to be taken away completely. During the course of therapy, she had threatened to terminate me if I wasn't making any progress and that felt bad enough. Although termination ended on good terms, it was traumatic and several months later, I still feel the loss and feel angry and rejected too.

T3s were just awful. They pathologized everything and told me that the reason I felt that group therapy wasn't working for me and that I had nothing in common with the other patients was "all part of my problem". I left feeling terribly let down and suicidal.

I'm very mistrustful of therapists nowadays yet I realize that I cannot go on with life as I am. I've no idea who I am and my life is passing me by. I'm depressed, anxious, unemployed, alone and often contemplating suicide. I need therapy. After being hurt twice now though, I'm afraid of entering therapy again.

I had an interview with a potential new T this week who seemed on the ball, professional, ethical etc. etc. However, I was referred to this T by T2, who rejected me when I inquired about returning after therapy with T3s turned me into someone who constantly blamed myself for everything. I'm now glad I didn't go back to T2 after all as I'm not sure that what she did (i.e. initiating physical contact and not talking about how it made me feel) was ethical. The problem is new Ts office is in the same building as T2. Fortunately, I didn't see T2 on my recent visit but I did see T2s photo up on the staff list and I felt really stirred up by it - angry, rejected, fearful (because she "knows" my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings). I am also reluctant to get into a new therapeutic relationship again only to be hurt, rejected, let down etc.etc. I don't know if I can or should trust therapy again but I need help desperately.

[itjustis]

I'm not sure what to say that will help as I've never had a bad experience, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
I can really feel your pain about T2 from reading this post and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Is this the T that wouldn't have you back because of the ethics? From what you have said I feel it is more T2's issue rather than yours, and she got too emotionally involved and couldn't deal with her own issues.

I hope you find some relief from this, I know how painful attachment and maternal transference can be. I've been there!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AncientMelody]

I'm sorry that you've had such a bad experience

Have you looked into other therapeutic options? Yoga, meditation? Maybe those are something worth trying if you aren't ready to get back into psychotherapy.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by itjustis

Is this the T that wouldn't have you back because of the ethics?

Yes, it was. Thank you for your words of support. It is comforting to know that I can share what I'm going through and there are people out there who understand.

Originally Posted by AncientMelody

I'm sorry that you've had such a bad experience

Have you looked into other therapeutic options? Yoga, meditation? Maybe those are something worth trying if you aren't ready to get back into psychotherapy.

Yes, I have. Meditation put me in touch with some really intolerable feelings that I know are always there but I normally manage to turn away from using distractions like TV, films, keeping busy, reading etc. Exercise is difficult to accomplish because it forces me to reconnect with my body which I am usually emotionally cut off from because it causes me much distress. Thanks for the suggestions though and taking the time to reply

[BudFox]

I can relate unfortunately. I feel traumatized also, and I don't trust it. Expressing such a sentiment is often equated with fear, cowardice, apathy, etc. For me though it's based on a clear-eyed apprehension of what happened and what the system is about.

What you say about getting hooked, yes I get it. With the one T there was no physical contact (until the final session) but the emotional "hugs" were powerfully addictive. And yea the separation after each session. I've described it as an agonizing withdrawal as from a powerful drug. I think this opening up of primary needs and pain, and then being sent away, is really destabilizing and dangerous. And the fact that the client can be terminated against their will for almost any reason makes things even more perilous.

I think the way you feel is appropriate. It's a natural response to the sort of love bombing and intense attunement that sometimes comes with therapy. Sure it's a professional relationship on paper, but it has many of the trappings of an intimate relationship. A bizarre and disorienting hybrid.

Hope you can find some help and come up with some other options if you choose not to resume therapy. Anyway, no advice from me. But just want to say I get it.