[amuseable]

I find it absolutely amazing that my T has not dumped me yet. I have been with him for three years now and I know I am his most challenging patient because sometimes he has said so. There is noone on this earth ... never has been in my many years ... who makes me feel the way he can at times. I HATE it when we don't connect. I LOVE it when we do and his eyes are the sweetest eyes I have ever known. He is very strict about boundaries with me because of my history. I had an incestuous relationship with my father in early adulthood and a sexual relationship with a previous therapist some years past and I have MAJOR issues about my body being okay. So it really has felt like rejection when he won't even touch my hand let alone hug me. WE worked something out though. If I really need a hug I tell him and he will write out on a post-it note "I am hugging you now." And/or let me cuddle his big toy Eeyore in his lap. He is only a few years older than I am and he has occasionally hurt my feelings and he is not at all perfect but I love him so much. He is perfectly my T. We go to the same church. Now and then I run into his wife and I'm tempted to tell her how much her husband means to me but gee I think she might not take kindly to anyone else loving her hubby that much. I still think he should adopt me into his family. (sigh)

[pachyderm]

[lauren_helene]

I love the note he holds up! I could use one of those notes from my T...

[RACEKA]

I hate when some sessions I don't connect with my T. All week I wonder if I said something I shouldn't or is he mad at me or what is going on. I'm so afraid of him not wanting to see me anymore.

He says he won't abandon me, but it just doesn't set into my brain. I would like to talk to him about these feelings, but I don't want him to know I need him as badly as I do.

By the next session everything is different and I'm feeling good again.

I don't like that my entire life surrounds him.

[amuseable]

I love the note he holds up! I could use one of those notes from my T...

Ask your T to do such a note before you need it so that when you do and you're at your most vulnerable you don't have to to stop and explain it all to him. You deserve that comfort. We all need it! But because of boundaries the actual thing is not available in its physical form but at least if you can know T is hugging you in his thoughts you won't feel so alone. If you are shy to ask him to do such a thing (as I often have been) try writing him a note that you just pass to him at the beginning of the session or drop off at his office prior to a session. That has been my strategy. lol

[amuseable]

Raceka I have struggled SOOOOOO much with my feelings for, and my dependency on, my T.I have felt I was crazy. I also felt tormented that I could never have T as my love or my father (or both). It just broke my heart. The more I read the more I have learnt one thing: the greater the trauma you've undergone, especially before age 18, the more intense the transference is going to be. I am not all the way through it yet myself but I can tell you it IS becoming easier finally as I simply realize that my T is not going anywhere (unless something unforeseen occurs) and that the potential for your growth, even your blossoming, is just tremendous if you can stick it out week after week. But you have to talk to him about it, over and over again. Talk to people anywhere (like here) who have some knowledge of what transference can be like. Don't isolate in yourself with all those intense feelings. There is no need to because as I have found out... you'r so not alone in your experience!

[lauren_helene]

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amuseable said:
If you are shy to ask him to do such a thing (as I often have been) try writing him a note that you just pass to him at the beginning of the session or drop off at his office prior to a session. That has been my strategy. lol

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I'm half laughing here because my prior history with my T, I did the whole calling between sessions, writing letters even faxing one of them. I think the last thing he or I need right now is for me to pass him a note asking for an imaginery hug...

Actually, you probably didn't mean to cheer me up with the above post but you have me laughing a little bit...