[MickeyCheeky]

I know this is a question that is asked a lot, but still.

I've seen this T for over a month now, around 5-6 sessions. And, to put it simply...
I don't trust him.
I can't open myself with him, I don't like him and I'm not sure why. And it's been like that since the very beginning, but I thought that, whit 2 or 3 sessions, I would have been able to trust him. But I was wrong.
Everytime I talk with him, I feel judged, ashamed. Like, he sometimes makes comments about things that are obvious, should be obvious, but for me, they aren't. And it makes me feel like an idiot, even though he's probably not doing it on purpose.
And everytime I have to see him, I'm anxious. Like, REALLY anxious.
I really don't know why. He's not mean, or angry, he's always nice and it's obvious he cares about me. He never shows up late and never cancels our sessions, despite having a busy schedule. But on the other hand, I don't feel safe with him, and I only have negative feelings when I'm with him. He also has some habits that I'm not sure are correct, like using his cellphone and writing messages right in front of me when I'm talking.

But even then, I wonder if it is MY fault. After all, I'm a very paranoid and anxious person, and I have a really difficult time opening with anyone - let alone a person I don't even know. So I'm afraid that eve if I change therapist, nothing will change.

What do you guys think? Feel free to ask questions

I think it's important to trust your gut. If you don't feel anything but negative towards him there's a very good chance it's not a good therapeutic match.
Can you try out a few more and see if you find one you like?
And the phone thing would be a deal breaker for me. I would not accept that from a therapist.

If I was still that uncomfortable that many sessions in, I'd find a different therapist. The texting, etc. is not professional at all, particularly if it is happening with any regularity and without apology. Keep looking. This one may not be the right fit.

[MickeyCheeky]

Thanks for your replies.

Yeah, you're not the only ones to tell me that... but I'm still unsure about what the problem is (me? the therapist?)
I technically could try some other T... but I should ask my parents for that (I'm 18). My fear is to look like a spoiled child who just can't trust other people to them.

As for the phone thing.. well, it doesn't really bother me, but yeah, it's kind of rude. Especially becauase he doesn't even ask permission, or apologize. He also smokes sometimes (with an electronic cigarette) but he asks permission for that.

[therapyishelping777]

i'mwith the others.. and say trust your gut for sure.. My T says its not about the experience or title but about the connection that is important.. Its hard because we doubt ourselves sometimes and want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

[therapyishelping777]

He seems a little offputting for sure at minimal with the calls/texts/cigarette smoking in your session?

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

He also smokes sometimes (with an electronic cigarette) but he asks permission for that.

Okay. That would be a definite no for me.

[MickeyCheeky]

Originally Posted by therapyishelping777

He seems a little offputting for sure at minimal with the calls/texts/cigarette smoking in your session?

Well it doesn't really bother me that much. But yeah, it's rude and I do not feel very comfortable with him.
I still think I am part of the problem of this relationship... but I'm going to listen to you, guys. Do you think I should talk with the T about this? I'm a little bit afraid that he could "manipulate" me into not leaving him... I know it sounds stupid, but still.

[therapyishelping777]

Sounds like your gut is giving some pretty big red flags.. ?

[MickeyCheeky]

Originally Posted by therapyishelping777

Sounds like your gut is giving some pretty big red flags.. ?

What are you referring to? If it's about this:

I'm a little bit afraid that he could "manipulate" me into not leaving him... I know it sounds stupid, but still.

that's just me being paranoid, as usual

I would see no need to give him any explanation myself. I'd just move on and find someone different.

[MickeyCheeky]

Alright then, I'll talk about my parents about this. Thanks a lot, guys!!

[BudFox]

Agree bout trusting your gut. The body knows better than the mind. If you feel uncomfortable, anxious, shamed, etc that says a lot. If it were me, I'd bail out, and I'd also send him an email with feedback. Let him know what he did wrong.

I also think what you said about having trouble opening up, especially to a person you dont know, is significant. Therapy expects this, but doesn't make it normal or healthy or prudent.

Sorry, but any therapist who texts on his cellphone and smokes an e-cigarette in front of his clients should not be allowed to practice therapy.

He sounds extremely self centered. Therapy sessions should be all about the CLIENT, but he's clearly making therapy sessions all about himself with the texting and e-cigarettes thing.

I would leave him. You don't need a toxic therapist in your life. But, that's just my opinion.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Thanks for your replies.

Yeah, you're not the only ones to tell me that... but I'm still unsure about what the problem is (me? the therapist?)
I technically could try some other T... but I should ask my parents for that (I'm 18). My fear is to look like a spoiled child who just can't trust other people to them.

As for the phone thing.. well, it doesn't really bother me, but yeah, it's kind of rude. Especially becauase he doesn't even ask permission, or apologize. He also smokes sometimes (with an electronic cigarette) but he asks permission for that.

It's always a little...political...at any age to tell someone you object to his smoking. Add the therapy-client power imbalance and your age, and that makes his permission request seem more automatic than sincere.

The therapist is there to work, not to take relax with a smoking break. I think that, combined with the phone thing are perfectly legitimate reasons to ask for a new therapist. And if he feels a judge, rather than an advocate, there might be subtle or even nonverbal reasons for that too.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Agree bout trusting your gut. The body knows better than the mind. If you feel uncomfortable, anxious, shamed, etc that says a lot. If it were me, I'd bail out, and I'd also send him an email with feedback. Let him know what he did wrong.

I also think what you said about having trouble opening up, especially to a person you dont know, is significant. Therapy expects this, but doesn't make it normal or healthy or prudent.

Based on my horrible experience telling therapists what they did wrong, I think this best be an instance of leaving without explanation or at most leaving it to MC's parents to handle. If a therapist thinks he's unerring, he could become enraged and vindictive when faced with contrary evidence. Plus I couldn't have stood up to a "professional" adult, particularly one who already made me feel judged, when I was 18.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by missbella

Based on my horrible experience telling therapists what they did wrong, I think this best be an instance of leaving without explanation or at most leaving it to MC's parents to handle. If a therapist thinks he's unerring, he could become enraged and vindictive when faced with contrary evidence. Plus I couldn't have stood up to a "professional" adult, particularly one who already made me feel judged, when I was 18.

Oh I didnt realize MC is only 18. Yes could be a bit treacherous.

[kecanoe]

Having a cell phone on during session would be a deal breaker for me. It's rude, for one thing. It means you don't have his undivided attention, which you should for your session. It shows that he is clueless about relationships, which is not a good sign from a therapist. You may have trust issues, but this does not sound like a safe person to work on that with.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I know this is a question that is asked a lot, but still.

I've seen this T for over a month now, around 5-6 sessions. And, to put it simply...
I don't trust him.
I can't open myself with him, I don't like him and I'm not sure why. And it's been like that since the very beginning, but I thought that, whit 2 or 3 sessions, I would have been able to trust him. But I was wrong.
Everytime I talk with him, I feel judged, ashamed. Like, he sometimes makes comments about things that are obvious, should be obvious, but for me, they aren't. And it makes me feel like an idiot, even though he's probably not doing it on purpose.
And everytime I have to see him, I'm anxious. Like, REALLY anxious.
I really don't know why. He's not mean, or angry, he's always nice and it's obvious he cares about me. He never shows up late and never cancels our sessions, despite having a busy schedule. But on the other hand, I don't feel safe with him, and I only have negative feelings when I'm with him. He also has some habits that I'm not sure are correct, like using his cellphone and writing messages right in front of me when I'm talking.

But even then, I wonder if it is MY fault. After all, I'm a very paranoid and anxious person, and I have a really difficult time opening with anyone - let alone a person I don't even know. So I'm afraid that eve if I change therapist, nothing will change.

What do you guys think? Feel free to ask questions

There is a T out there for you. Can you interview a couple more Ts to see if there is one that you feel even a teeny tiny comfortable with? I had 1 meeting with a T (before my current one) and immediately knew it wasn't going to work and didn't go back. OR bring up your concerns to him and see how that goes?

[bookgirl667]

Re: the cell phone. Tdocs are NEVER supposed to use the phone in session. That's a really basic rule meant to keep the therapeutic frame safe and secure. I would run like hell.

[MickeyCheeky]

So I told my parents about this, and they say that I should talk with my therapist about my doubts... but I don't really know what to say to him I'm afraid to offend him, or to gather nothing from the talk, especially because I have pretty much already made my decision... what should I do?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

So I told my parents about this, and they say that I should talk with my therapist about my doubts... but I don't really know what to say to him I'm afraid to offend him, or to gather nothing from the talk, especially because I have pretty much already made my decision... what should I do?

Maybe you should tell your parents that you definitely don't want to see this T. Maybe list the reasons that others have posted, if you haven't already. I don't think yiu have to explain to the T in this case. I would hope that your parents agree smoking and texting during a session are unacceptable.

[MickeyCheeky]

I did not tell them about the smoking and texting, but I don't think it would change much... my parents insist I should talk with him, and they even want to talk with him personally.

I am a bit afraid of what the T might tell them, TBH... if he convinces them that it's actually all fine and good, and that I am the problem, I don't really know what should I do

[songofthesea]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Thanks for your replies.

Yeah, you're not the only ones to tell me that... but I'm still unsure about what the problem is (me? the therapist?)
I technically could try some other T... but I should ask my parents for that (I'm 18). My fear is to look like a spoiled child who just can't trust other people to them.

As for the phone thing.. well, it doesn't really bother me, but yeah, it's kind of rude. Especially becauase he doesn't even ask permission, or apologize. He also smokes sometimes (with an electronic cigarette) but he asks permission for that.

One of you doesn't have to be a problem - just maybe, as has been said, it's not a good fit. The second one I tried - I felt a lot of similar things. He told me I couldn't sit where I wanted to, and then proceeded to regard me with a very judgemental and condescending air. There is something in how someone makes you feel. I just dropped him immediately - and it was lucky I did. My third one was wonderful - we have a great rapport.

Also - playing on phone?? What the heck? You are supposed to have their undivided attention. My current one is vaguely irritated / possibly even a little embarrassed if his office phone rings in session and instructs me to ignore it and does a very good job of ignoring it himself.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Sounds to me like this therapist thinks his time is more important than yours, despite the fact that you are paying him to put his own needs aside for however long your appointment is. This is arrogant and obnoxious to an extent that frankly blows my mind, and no one should have to put up with such behaviour from a therapist. Very disrespectful. I hope you will be able to move on to someone different!