I'm feeling kinda sour/my T and me

I am having a really hard time right now.

I saw T on Tuesday. I have been seeing him for almost 11 months now. For the first time i cried in his office. We were talking about my son's illness and the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

Recently I just was hired as a teacher in a private school, and was so excited about my new position. It is a new career for me. But I couldn't hold onto the happiness because it should be my son who is coming home excited about his new job and starting his independent adult life. But that dream is not to be.

I spoke to T on the phone on Tuesday evening to clarify some of the things we talked about. He says I have to find a way to walk beside this illness of my son's. It's just so hard to accept.

Today I got home and my son was hovering very close to me. I spoke to my sister on the phone because she had a thyroid biopsy this morning. I got an email from my cousin and she was as nasty as she was on the phone last week. (She's flipping out for some reason).

I kind of snapped. I feel so %#@&#! overwhelmed. I asked my son to please stop lying on my bed and go to his own room. He said he just wanted to be with someone.

I wanted to SI.

I called T and asked if we could talk, or maybe even have an extra appt. tomorrow if someone was on vacation. He called back about an hour and a half later. His voice was very gentle. I babbled a bit, letting him know that I was feeling overwhelmed earlier but told him I was feeling better. It was a lie. I just was ashamed that I called him. He asked how my son was and said, "It's hard to see him like that, isn't it?". He made no mention of an extra appt.
I just want to cry or puke.

I don't know what to do. I am so distracted. I have a huge amount of work to do this weekend -- the final push for my practicum that ends next week.

I'll just have to figure out a way to work. Oh yeah, it's called splitting.

(((( sister ))))

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed with all that's going on. I'm glad T called you back and you got to talk to him. Could you call and say that you've thought more about it and would definitely like an extra appointment. Maybe he was so intent on listening to you in that very moment that he was not thinking of the possibility of an additional session....

Your son can understand that you need extra time for you right now and you can tell him how involved you need to be with your practicum work this weekend. Take him out to rent a bunch of movies for him to watch this weekend, have him order a pizza, bake some cookies for him to munch on and let those things stand in for you while you take the uninterrupted time for you that you need and deserve.

Don't forget your relaxation / visualizations! Maybe this is the time for some extras?

Be sweet and kind to you!

Sister,

It seems like there is a lot happening here and I can understand why you feel overwhelmed.

I wonder if it might be an indea to call your T back and ask if you could meet sooner. He sounds caring and perhaps this might be what you need to get through this time.

((Echoes)) ((Allthegirls))

Thanks girlfriends...

I went to bed feeling anxious, trying to conjure up T's gentle voice in my mind. I realized it is my wounded little girl who is feeling so frightened. I can use my mothering role that I am secure in to take care of her. I think that my son's behavior changes reminded my inner child of my father's behavior changes, and somewhere in my mind I confused the two. My son is a peaceful loving person. My father was a raging, abusive alcoholic. But it was the change in behavior that triggered my panicy feeling. I'm glad I was able to figure this out.

I woke up at 3 am with anxiety and was able to use my ativan to calm it. I so rarely use the ativan, I had forgotten I had it for a reason. It worked like a charm. I feel so much better today and hope to be able to focus on my work.

Oh Echoes, good idea to take care of son first. I just made him blueberry pancakes and i think he feels cared for. Maybe he'll let me work?

I didn't call T again. I will see him on Monday, soon enough. I feel sort of proud I figured this one out.

Peace and thanks to you both.

sister,

Sounds like you really got a handle on this. Im pleased for you. You sound as if things are a lot better. Im glad you are able to wait until Monday.

Very well done to you.

Sister I'm sure it is so hard dealing with your son's illness and all its realities. Go easy on yourself. You love your child and the pain you feel stems from that love.

I have a son who when he was four months old, I found a large bump in his mouth. Turned out to be a tumor and it was removed and tested. he has something called juvenile xanthogranuloma JXR for short.

It is a wait and see thing and we keep hearing that he most likely will not have another but of course there is no guarantee. They also don't know a lot yet about this rare disease. We keep saying he has a disease with no symptoms at the moment.

I am glad that you were able to talk to T and then that got you through figuring things out for yourself. I'm proud of you

I just want you to know that I am wrapping all of your stress and pain in a huge hug. I am so sorry for your son's illness. You mentioned it before in initials -- I'm not sure what it is. If you're comfortable, what exactly does he have? I totally understand if you do not want to share -- I will send general healing thoughts his way.

It all sounds like too, too much. I'm glad you are asking for support from your T when you need it. I don't want you to SI because you need to be well for you and your career and for your son. I don't want you to suffer any more than you already do . . . which is a ton.

I don't know what more to say than I am very, very moved by your situation. I wish I had something more to say . . .

Almeda -- Oh my goodness! I've never heard of such a thing! I swear -- if our children are walking around with nothing more than a cold or allergies, it's a bloomin' miracle. I hope this is the end of it, and he's so young! What an ordeal -- take care.

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sister said:
For the first time i cried in his office. We were talking about my son's illness and the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

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I'm so sorry about your son's illness, sister, and hope you can find ways to give him the love and support he needs while supporting yourself too. How close you are to your T to trust him with your tears. (((hugs)))