[Myrto]

So I've been looking for a new therapist to help me process my attachment to my current therapist and hopefully help me detach from her. I've called 6 therapists in total and the majority of them seemed very surprised that I wanted to ask them some questions. Like, they expected me to schedule an appointment immediately, just like that. That's a bad sign, right? Finally I stumbled upon a therapist who lives very close to my appartment, who has a Rogerian approach (very rare in my country) and who's 40. The age is important for me. I want someone much older than me. 40 is too young but I'm willing to give it a go. She sounded nice enough (but how can you ever tell with those things?). The problem is: she has no idea why I'm coming to see her. She probably assumes that I have a specific problem: depression, burn out, grief, something like that. How will she react when she learns that I'm there because of another therapist? Will she take my therapist's side? Will she be willing to listen? The thing also is that I'm not going to be a "pleasant" client: I won't be nice, I will tell her when what she's saying is unhelpful, etc. In my experience (I've seen four therapists, two only for a couple of sessions), therapists expect clients to be compliant and nice. Will she be able to not take it personally? Will she get defensive? I'm just worried about everything and I don't want to try 10 therapists (it's seriously expensive) before finding the right one. It's exhausting. Thank you for reading my long post and any thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Myrto

So I've been looking for a new therapist to help me process my attachment to my current therapist and hopefully help me detach from her. I've called 6 therapists in total and the majority of them seemed very surprised that I wanted to ask them some questions. Like, they expected me to schedule an appointment immediately, just like that. That's a bad sign, right? Finally I stumbled upon a therapist who lives very close to my appartment, who has a Rogerian approach (very rare in my country) and who's 40. The age is important for me. I want someone much older than me. 40 is too young but I'm willing to give it a go. She sounded nice enough (but how can you ever tell with those things?). The problem is: she has no idea why I'm coming to see her. She probably assumes that I have a specific problem: depression, burn out, grief, something like that. How will she react when she learns that I'm there because of another therapist? Will she take my therapist's side? Will she be willing to listen? The thing also is that I'm not going to be a "pleasant" client: I won't be nice, I will tell her when what she's saying is unhelpful, etc. In my experience (I've seen four therapists, two only for a couple of sessions), therapists expect clients to be compliant and nice. Will she be able to not take it personally? Will she get defensive? I'm just worried about everything and I don't want to try 10 therapists (it's seriously expensive) before finding the right one. It's exhausting. Thank you for reading my long post and any thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Well, you do have a specific problem--your therapist! I imagine it's not all that unusual for someone to see one T to deal with stuff from another T (it's been mentioned numerous times on the boards). I would just mention that early on in the session and ask if she feels comfortable discussing another T. If she's a good T, she won't take what you're saying about another T personally. And she should be able to handle whatever emotions you bring into the room--even if directed at her--without getting defensive. She certainly shouldn't expect you to be nice all the time... But I'd be up front with your concerns. Good luck!

I went to my current T without telling him I needed to process my relationship with T1. At the first session I told him clearly what I needed (that he shouldn't criticise T1, that I needed him to just be there while I decided whether or not to return) and he was fine with that. He responded very well. The one time I thought he sided with T1 (a year later) I told him it upset me and he apologised. I hope she works out well for you Murton.

Therapist expect? Where you get that from?
Maybe those who are working with less skill and not had their own therapy and live in laa laa land, but not a hugely skilled therapist. They understand the true human condition.

I think I'm living on another planet when I read some of the the things on here.

[stopdog]

I have always liked interviewing therapists. I like to see how they present themselves and so on - I find it fascinating. It is expensive - I interviewed over 30 of them before mostly just sticking with the two I found least offensive. I don't worry a lot about what the therapist expects. They can want a nice, submissive, compliant client - but that does not mean I have to be one.

[AllHeart]

Given Rogerian therapy takes on a humanistic, empathic approach, I bet you're going to do just fine with this t. If she's a true Rogerian t, she will be naturally understanding and non-judgmental.

I think it's fantastic that you are taking action to get help with your situation. I know it's not easy. You've got good strength in this!

When do you see her?

[Pennster]

I had a Rogerian therapist once- I'm with AllHeart- that whole way of working is about really understanding you. Sounds like a good pick to me. I hope it works out!

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Well, you do have a specific problem--your therapist! I imagine it's not all that unusual for someone to see one T to deal with stuff from another T (it's been mentioned numerous times on the boards). I would just mention that early on in the session and ask if she feels comfortable discussing another T. If she's a good T, she won't take what you're saying about another T personally. And she should be able to handle whatever emotions you bring into the room--even if directed at her--without getting defensive. She certainly shouldn't expect you to be nice all the time... But I'd be up front with your concerns. Good luck!

Yes several posters have mentioned seeing a T to deal with stuff from another T but I'm not sure it's that prevalent in "real life". Thanks.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I went to my current T without telling him I needed to process my relationship with T1. At the first session I told him clearly what I needed (that he shouldn't criticise T1, that I needed him to just be there while I decided whether or not to return) and he was fine with that. He responded very well. The one time I thought he sided with T1 (a year later) I told him it upset me and he apologised. I hope she works out well for you Murton.

Yeah I thought about you as our situations are a bit similar. I hope this therapist will work out as well as your current T! Thanks.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have always liked interviewing therapists. I like to see how they present themselves and so on - I find it fascinating. It is expensive - I interviewed over 30 of them before mostly just sticking with the two I found least offensive. I don't worry a lot about what the therapist expects. They can want a nice, submissive, compliant client - but that does not mean I have to be one.

Interviewing therapists exhausts me. And as you mentioned it is expensive.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Given Rogerian therapy takes on a humanistic, empathic approach, I bet you're going to do just fine with this t. If she's a true Rogerian t, she will be naturally understanding and non-judgmental.

I think it's fantastic that you are taking action to get help with your situation. I know it's not easy. You've got good strength in this!

When do you see her?

Yes the fact that she's Rogerian is basically the thing that made me pick her. I see her on Monday morning. I'm actually looking forward to this! I hope she doesn't disappoint.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I went to my current T without telling him I needed to process my relationship with T1. At the first session I told him clearly what I needed (that he shouldn't criticise T1, that I needed him to just be there while I decided whether or not to return) and he was fine with that. He responded very well. The one time I thought he sided with T1 (a year later) I told him it upset me and he apologised. I hope she works out well for you Murton.

I didn't notice the error with your name early enough to edit. Sorry about that. It was autocorrect on my phone.

[growlycat]

i hate the whole process of looking for a new t. They should all offer a ten minute phone call before I have to pay to see them. I hate spending the money on people who are clearly wrong for me. I wish you well in your search!!!

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by growlycat

i hate the whole process of looking for a new t. They should all offer a ten minute phone call before I have to pay to see them. I hate spending the money on people who are clearly wrong for me. I wish you well in your search!!!

Exactly. I actually think the first session should be free, like when you do yoga or zumba: the first session is always free. Otherwise it becomes really expensive and it's very annoying to pay for a first session when you know the therapist is clearly wrong for you.

[stopdog]

I have never gone to see any in person without first speaking with them on the telephone for about 10 minutes or so. I thought that was usual.

What is your long term wish for this therapist? Is it that she help you deal with your relationship with your current T, or is it that she help you with your life? I might be inclined to interview her with the latter in mind, and focus on that, though also explaining your previous, painful therapy experience. I'm suggesting this because of this question: do you want to be understood foremost by your relationship with your previous T? Or do you want this new T to understand the real person of value that your current T doesn't seem to see?

I agree with the others that Rogerian therapy is a really good approach.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have always liked interviewing therapists. I like to see how they present themselves and so on - I find it fascinating. It is expensive - I interviewed over 30 of them before mostly just sticking with the two I found least offensive. I don't worry a lot about what the therapist expects. They can want a nice, submissive, compliant client - but that does not mean I have to be one.

I agree with this. If you can afford it check out a lot and see which one feels like a good fit for you!
You can really tell a t by the first session and how they present themselves. I remember going to one who was REALLY scary and didn't seem to understand anything about humans. She said she thought I was lying because I couldn't look her in the eye when I was talking but she had eyes like this (she was the original Crazy eyes). I never went back to her but she sounded great on the phone.
I would even try to challenge the therapist on your first session to see what their reaction is. This can tell a lot about how you will connect with one another. If a t wants a compliant client they are in the wrong job.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

What is your long term wish for this therapist? Is it that she help you deal with your relationship with your current T, or is it that she help you with your life? I might be inclined to interview her with the latter in mind, and focus on that, though also explaining your previous, painful therapy experience. I'm suggesting this because of this question: do you want to be understood foremost by your relationship with your previous T? Or do you want this new T to understand the real person of value that your current T doesn't seem to see?

I agree with the others that Rogerian therapy is a really good approach.

Well I'd like to focus on my relationship with my T first but then eventually and if all goes well, it would be nice if she could help me with life too. But I'm getting ahead of myself: I don't even know if this new therapist is right for me.

Originally Posted by Myrto

Well I'd like to focus on my relationship with my T first but then eventually and if all goes well, it would be nice if she could help me with life too. But I'm getting ahead of myself: I don't even know if this new therapist is right for me.

I think I would be cautious about diving in with the difficulties with your current T. I think I'm not the only one on here who has found that it is not entirely easy talking to a new T about an old T. Also, I don't know if this is true - but could your relationship with your current T be defined as traumatic? If so, as with any trauma, it is advisable to build up the relationship with a T first before you really explore traumatic experiences. It's perhaps going to be pretty painful talking about your current T?

[koru_kiwi]

i don't believe Ts should be offended or put off if a client wants to ask a few general questions via phone or email first. they are providing a service and why waste our money and time and or even theirs if they can not sell themselves to us in that first 10 min conversation?

i was able to email my T some questions prior to meeting him and got straight to the point to why i wanted to meet him. he provided a very detailed response to my questions and offered to see me for an initial session at no charge. kudos to him because this is a brilliant strategy to get clients in through the door and definilty encourages him as a T to put his best foot forward into 'selling' himself as being the best T for you.

good luck with your search mytro. i have been there before too and i was upfront with my T as to why i was wanting to leave my ex-T. it didn't become the primary focus of my therapy with him, but talking some about it, i reckon, helped him to understand what i was needing and not getting from my ex-T better.