[stopdog]

Do you worry about caring in other professionals or just the therapist?

[mindwrench]

I want a T to care, and feel a connection with them. My other medical providers I am fine with keeping it professional, though if they are personal in an intuitive way then that is really nice. I went to see a specialist yesterday for a medical issue, and though I had never met her, she was so kind and caring, and most of all she knew how to sense what level of interaction I wanted. So many professionals mess it up when trying to connect or pretend to connect on a personal level.

I don't "worry" about caring.

I do expect a level of caring related to the profession I am working with.

I expect professional care, including from my therapist.

I expect professional care from my medical doctors. I expect my childrens' educators to care about the quality of teaching and education they are providing to my children. I expect my mechanic to care that he or she performs a quality and honest service on my vehicle at a reasonable price. I expect my pharmacist to care that my meds are filled correctly, that I am informed of possible problems and interactions (yes, they do that). I expect my chorus director to care about the quality of rehearsal structure and performance preparation he guides us through. I am a professional and care about my students and the quality of teaching in my classroom, but I do my best to leave my work in its place; I have other priorities and I don't apologize for that. Neither should any other professional, including a therapist.

I think people sometimes expect therapists to care more and go beyond the professional level of caring required of them. I do think the care they give is probably different than some professions, but I don't think they should be expected to care necessarily more.

All professionals have their own lives. They don't take their work home with them if they can avoid it, and if they do, they are probably sacrificing in other areas of their lives which may not be a good thing if they are putting their self-care and family relationships on a back burner.

The problem comes when people expect a professional to be something more, something other than their profession. Professional context matters.

[atisketatasket]

All they have to do is their jobs. If they think that involves caring, have at it.

The only professional I would want to really really care is a doctor if I were very ill. This isn't for my emotional well-being, but because studies show that patients with whom doctors empathize receive better treatment and recover better than patients for whom a doctor does not feel empathy.

[stopdog]

That is why I avoid mds - I would not want the procedure/pain management based upon whether an md liked me or not. I would rather just opt out of the whole thing and take care of it myself.

Poll came after I posted:

I voted "I want my the therapist to care about me professionally." I don't particularly see this response and the one after it as different since the profession IS to work with a person personally. They are one in the same to me. What I DON'T want, and I think it is dangerous, is for a therapist to care about me personally and not professionally. That is exactly where ethics violations are given room to breed. That is the realm of the boundariless therapist.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't worry about caring from any service providers.


I just want them to be able to assist me effectively.


If they're competent or on the rare occasion excellent, then that's good enough for me.

[stopdog]

I don't think therapists should apologize for not caring. That would be, to me, just pointless and silly and completely a false apology.
I just was wondering about if it was different than other professionals for people.

[Myrto]

I have never understood the comparison people make between therapists and other professionals. This is like apples and oranges. I'm not revealing deep secrets to my doctor, I'm not being at my most vulnerable with my dentist. I don't disclose intimate details of my life to a surgeon. It's not the same at all. Of course I expect more with a therapist. With other professionals I just want them to be professional and that's it. I don't care if they give a **** about me and of course they don't. That's fine. It's vastly different with a therapist because the relationship is different.

[precaryous]

I want all treatment providers to do their job well and care professionally.
Further, in a perfect world, I would like some treatment providers to care personally & professionally. Examples would be primary care physician and therapist. I have the most contact with these two.

It doesn't matter to me if other treatment providers care personally as long as they do their job well.

[awkwardlyyours]

In all honesty (and not trying to be persnickety), I really don't get the distinction between professional and personal when it comes to something like caring.

So, when I thought that former T didn't really care about me, I would accuse her of being just 'professional' but the truth is that she was not being a professional T as I later figured out -- had she really been a professionally competent T, I wouldn't have gotten to the point of wondering and worrying about it endlessly.

Her getting all personally reactive (and then denying it) about how she couldn't stop feeling X, Y, Z because of stuff I said was very personal -- and yes, it could be interpreted as "caring" so much that she was reacting to me so quickly (couldn't help herself it seemed) -- but it really messed me up. I needed her to be professional and professionally caring. The personal stuff and her inability to keep her crap out of it was what ruined things for me.

So, that's just a long rant to say that the personal isn't always a superior option to the professional. In fact, I'd say that in therapy, it never is.

With current T then, I don't have even a tenth of the angst that I did with former T and yet she feels very solidly boundaried (far more than former T who took blank slate to a ridiculous extent) to me -- I can let loose all my stuff and she won't get personally reactive and overwhelmed (tried and tested). That to me is being a professionally competent T which includes the ability to care enough about doing their job well towards a client to hold their crap.

Having said all that, I really don't get the difference between personal and professional caring at another level as well. In all honesty, I really don't give a rat's behind about my family of origin -- I do a whole lot of things for them entirely out of guilt and my own messed-up stuff which could be interpreted as caring. But, it's far from it -- and, they never fail to take up an opportunity to remind me of it because well, it's kinda become obvious that I don't give two hoots. In comparison, I care a lot more -- genuinely want to know and deal with their stuff and want to make sure they're okay -- even about random acquaintances of mine. So, I again don't get the whole personal caring = caring like you do about family etc.

Finally I can safely say that I generally loathe my job (doesn't involve a great deal of interaction with people and isn't remotely in a 'helping' profession) and if I could afford to quit it, I totally would. That goes for most other people I know (at least in similar professions to mine). However, I regularly work long hours and weekends to make sure stuff is going okay -- not because anyone asked me to -- because my personal sense of caring or rather obsessing about things, wouldn't let me do otherwise. This isn't really a great virtue -- a large part is driven by my general all-consuming anxiety about not eff-ing up even if I loathe something.

So, is it professional caring that I want to make doubly and triply sure I don't eff up at work or at least don't eff up as much and am willing to to go to considerable lengths to do it? Or, is it still personal caring although I really deeply dislike my job?

[Unrigged64072835]

I think health professionals can only care so much; otherwise they would burn out. I just rather have them do their job professionally and let my family care about me.

[Lauliza]

I expect other professionals to care about me in the context of the service they are providing. I don't worry about it, it is just what I expect from someone who is sincere and professional.

[nottrustin]

I want all health care professionals to care about me...I also want my children's day care providers and teachers to care about them/us, I want my mechanic to care about the fact that when the fix my car that my family is safe riding in our car. I want many people to care about me/us within the confines of the service they provide. Do I want my mechanic to care about the pain I am in based upon trauma...nope because they are not involved in that part of my life and hopefully know about it.

[Argonautomobile]

I just want to not be seen as repulsive.

[Luce]

In all the following examples when I say 'care' I mean 'care in a professional manner'. That is to show respect, professionalism, and appropriate concern about appropriate matters related to their job. Et cetera.

I want my lecturers to care about my education.
I want my dentist to care about my dentistry.
I want my doctor to care about my health.
I want my hairdresser to care about my hair.
I want my therapist to care about my psyche.
I want my mechanic to care about my car.
I want my cook to care about the meals he makes for me.
(Just kidding - I wish!)

But you get the picture.

I do believe the role of a therapist involves a greater level of connection and relational involvement than other professionals that may be hired simply because the therapeutic alliance is there to serve the emotional and mental well being of the client.

[fullsassahead]

I voted "other."

I want all professionals to care about me professionally, personally, and individually. Of course, I don't expect my mail carrier to care in the same way as my therapist - I suppose by professionals, I mean someone who is charged with providing a service.

I have the expectation that someone I pay to provide a service to should care about me professionally, personally, and individual. A therapist should care about their client. Professionally, they have a duty to me. As a person, they should have a desire to help me and such desire would indicate that they do care. And, I want to be treated as an individual and not as a diagnosis code. The same is true for my primary care doctor or other treatment providers. If they are unable to care for me in that manner, I feel it is their responsibility to step away and refer to someone who can. My expectation is in line with the service the professional provides and I do not feel it's unrealistic to have such an expectation - especially if I am paying an individual.

My career is one where I provide a service to others. I would be ineffective at best if I did not care for the people I worked with on a professional, personal, and individual level. I certainly have stronger feelings for some than others, but that should not impact the service I provide. It is true that I go above and beyond for some, but that is because they are receptive to such treatment. For others, they don't want me to do so - even if they verbally say otherwise. However, that does not mean that I don't care for them or provide the best service to them that I can. When I realize that I cannot, it doesn't mean that I don't care, but rather that I need to offer the individual another solution. And, in the event that I don't care as I feel I should (I am human, of course), I ensure that I refer the person to someone who is better equipped to work with them.

I would say that, despite my expectation and personal experiences, I do still worry that professionals do not care for me. But, that is more in line with the treatment they provide than with an innate desire to have them care for me. It is different with my treatment team and the medical profession, but I try to be realistic in my expectations. However, if someone is in a service profession, it should be because they care and not because there is a dollar sign looming over their head.

[ruh roh]

Yes, I want other professionals to care as well, but it's fine if it's just situation-specific.

For example, I crushed a kneecap many years ago, and was on a gurney in the hospital hallway, waiting for xrays and crying from fear of being there. It was a holiday and packed, which was why I didn't have a room, and the place was really busy. When the surgeon on call came over, he expressed genuine caring and got me out of there. So in that case, I just needed him or someone to care enough that I was in distress to do something. Someone else might say that's not caring, it's just a medical professional doing their job, but he had to care that I was in distress--not just physical pain--to do something.

My primary care doctor is like the spawn of satan, so I know there is not going to be any caring there, but I can hope that one day she will leave the clinic.

I would like my therapist to care more than the others just because of how much more exposed I am and also the frequency I see her as compared to the others. But yeah, I guess I am one of those that likes to be cared about. I'm not sure I know the difference between professional and personal in that context. One therapist told me it wasn't personal, so I'm guessing that's how it is. It just sounds cold when they say it like that.

[therapyishelping777]

I definately do better with Dr's who care., listen, connect.. If a Dr /Dentist seems cold and uncaring, I don't trust them and i get irritated.. however... I can say that, they may not care beyond that moment or time frame they are with me.. and that may not be a "warm /fuzzy" type caring.. I had one Dr . who at first I was kind of turned off by, he was very to the point quick, and just kind of seemed like cold but when he asked the last question about the procedure.. he really "heard" me.. and got... that I was scared out of my mind about it.. He said.. if you ask for me for the procedure and get sedated intstead of General.. i Will make sure you don't know whats going on... I really trusted that moment and decided against general and I didn't remember a thing of the endoscopy.. I felt that genuine care of the comfort of his patient and my needs as a person.. that is what I want..

I think people generally tend to perform better or at least more consistently when they care about their work, and I think for professionals such as a therapist, doctor, financial advisor etc I do want them to care about the individual concerns I go to see them with. Not really recognizing my personal issues and trying to force me into a mold was one of my main concerns with my former therapist, who was very dogmatic and unwilling/unable to provide individualized treatment. Same for doctors that are not interested in learning about a patient in a more complex way and just prescribe the same pill to whoever. So yes, I do want professionals that deal with my unique problems to pay attention to them and to care to tailor their advice and interventions. I supervise a lot of people in my work and I try to make a lot of effort to recognize their individual strengths and weaknesses, engage them in projects that interest them, give them career advice that seems to suit their goals and personality. I have also always done the best work when my superiors allowed me to explore my personal interests and find my own solutions. But I do not expect professionals to have caring feelings for me such as a friend or relative would, for me that would be unrealistic expectation. If such caring develops with time, good, but not something that can be demanded IMO.

[here today]

I think the type of caring I need and expect from a therapist is different from the type of caring I need and expect from another professional like a doctor, dentist, or even accountant or lawyer.

I expect my lawyer to care about my legal well-being. This is very far from caring about me in a personal way, even though my legal well-being affects me personally, of course.

I have a dentist who I feel cares about me personally, like all his patients. He’s just that kind of person. But the only thing we share caring about is my teeth and mouth. Last time I went he had to redo a filling that had broken down and when he was refilling it he was surprised that I could feel what he was doing. It indicated to him that there had been more decay, and drilling, close to the root. He said the sensitivity should go away in a couple of days and when I asked what was the worst that could happen, he said that I would need a root canal. I went home and after the novacaine completely wore off I was really feeling some pain in the tooth. It was a Friday and I called his office to see what I should do if I had problems over the weekend. He called me back himself and said to call his office if I had increasing pain and he would come into the office, no problem and do the root canal because that is what would stop the pain.

It was Labor Day weekend and on Tuesday his office called back to make sure I was doing OK. I felt personally cared about, but even better than that, professionally cared about, too.

With a therapist what I expect for us to share caring about is much more of “me”. My psychological well-being. And how you can separate out a therapist caring about my psychological well-being professionally and not giving a s**t about me as a person – it just doesn’t compute to me. Perhaps that’s because of my childhood experience and that even if I go to a T not expecting them to care, the environment and the “mirroring” and “empathy” they are trained to provide give rise to the long-suppressed feelings and longings to be cared about which – I didn’t get. Big deal, I developed defenses to get along in a world where I didn’t get the kind of caring that I wanted (and perhaps needed?). But having that longing elicited and then – slam – the T doesn’t give a s**t just as the people in my early life didn’t . . .Well, I went into therapy in a defended, but potentially vulnerable, psychological state and the therapists that I have had have been unable to “help” me put something back together once that defended state is broken down and the T’s have hurt me again, and again, and again.

Perhaps my expectation or wish that therapists would truly care about me as a person, like a friend or family member in an ideal friendship or family, is unreasonable, unrealistic. I didn’t go into the last few therapies with that conscious expectation and I defended as much as possible against that expectation. But I did expect to be “understood” as a person, which did not happen. So I wonder if it’s possible really to understand somebody, in ways that are different from you, if you don’t care about them?