Not responding to T1

Oct 05, 2016 at 08:06 AM

I had a session with T today which was great. He said he thought I was wise not to respond. We talked a lot about my feelings about it and I feel certain it's the right thing.
This week, PCers, my husband, my good friend (and fellow trainee), responders from TELL (therapy exploitation link line) and now my therapist, have all confirmed what I already knew deep down, that further contact with him is risky and potentially very damaging.
I am ignoring his messages and if he contacts me again I will simply respond with one line telling him not to contact me again. (When I said I would write " Please don't contact me again" T said "don't bother with the 'Please').
I acknowledged today that no friendship can be built on such a dysfuntional foundation. So that's it. That's the end of any possibility of ever having a relationship with T1 in the future.

ruh roh · Oct 05, 2016 at 08:47 AM

I'm so glad your therapist was such a great support to you in this. I love that he said to drop the "please." What an affirming experience this has turned out to be. Thanks for sharing it.

Oct 05, 2016 at 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm so glad your therapist was such a great support to you in this. I love that he said to drop the "please." What an affirming experience this has turned out to be. Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks roh roh. I found him saying that very affirming. Like he was telling me how he really felt, without making it all about his feelings. He was a great support all round.

ruh roh · Oct 05, 2016 at 09:04 AM

Yes, it's great when a therapist reveals what they really feel like that. Suggesting that you drop the please says a lot.

growlycat · Oct 05, 2016 at 09:13 AM

A difficult but brave thing to do. You are doing the right thing

Oct 05, 2016 at 09:37 AM

I had a somewhat similar story with my former therapist, who had very messy boundaries. We ended therapy in a quite nasty way but then he would not want to let go of me. Sent many emails trying to talk me into going back. I responded asking him that he never contact me again. After a few months, I received yet another email from him, to which I never responded.

Myrto · Oct 05, 2016 at 10:39 AM

This must have been a very difficult decision to reach. I don't think I could have done the same honestly. It's great that you had so much support. Well done.

Oct 05, 2016 at 11:34 AM

Thanks everyone. It is difficult, yet it seems like the only thing I can do really.
I was really angry that T1 didn't even acknowledge that the nature of our relationship was professional and that he was trying to initiate a transition to something else. It was as though he was expecting me to just go with the flow on his terms and not question it.
One thing I really noticed this session was how angry I felt towards T1 when I talked to it. He makes me quick to anger. What kind of basis would that be for a friendship?

unaluna · Oct 05, 2016 at 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thanks everyone. It is difficult, yet it seems like the only thing I can do really.
I was really angry that T1 didn't even acknowledge that the nature of our relationship was professional and that he was trying to initiate a transition to something else. It was as though he was expecting me to just go with the flow on his terms and not question it.
One thing I really noticed this session was how angry I felt towards T1 when I talked to it. He makes me quick to anger. What kind of basis would that be for a friendship?

I think this is a good example of how a t can take advantage of a client. We wouldnt want to be rude to someone in need, right? What kind of friend would that make us? But we wouldnt necessarily start a new relationship on those terms. But this doesnt feel new - we share a history, but one-sided.

Oct 05, 2016 at 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think this is a good example of how a t can take advantage of a client. We wouldnt want to be rude to someone in need, right? What kind of friend would that make us? But we wouldnt necessarily start a new relationship on those terms. But this doesnt feel new - we share a history, but one-sided.

This is exactly it, and why I feel he was being manipulative. T asked me what my instinct was on whether he was being manipulative or ignorant, and I said I'm running out of excuses for him. He must know what he's doing.

yoman · Oct 05, 2016 at 12:08 PM

yea its pretty insightful for them to tell you to drop the please. Good luck to you in everything

Out There · Oct 05, 2016 at 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think this is a good example of how a t can take advantage of a client. We wouldnt want to be rude to someone in need, right? What kind of friend would that make us? But we wouldnt necessarily start a new relationship on those terms. But this doesnt feel new - we share a history, but one-sided.

This. I'm glad this went well for you Echos and you have solid help and support now. Those feelings go right into the past ( I've just come from my T delving into that ). Painful but ultimately healing.

unaluna · Oct 05, 2016 at 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

This is exactly it, and why I feel he was being manipulative. T asked me what my instinct was on whether he was being manipulative or ignorant, and I said I'm running out of excuses for him. He must know what he's doing.

Either way, we are the only ones who can take ourselves out of harms way. Sometimes it doesnt matter what the other persons intention was. Thats how we get into codependent or other "wrong" relationships? Or how we end up dead.

Sometimes i want to ask my first ex-h, what the heck were you thinking?! Could you not see i was clueless?? But he thought i took good care of him, thats what he said.

Oct 05, 2016 at 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Out There

This. I'm glad this went well for you Echos and you have solid help and support now. Those feelings go right into the past ( I've just come from my T delving into that ). Painful but ultimately healing.

Thanks Out There, yeah, I said to T - when I saw T1 I had nowhere else to turn. H had his own issues to work out and I didn't have current T or my tutors or my good friend from uni or PC. I had no frame of reference and I was at his mercy. I said I guess he assumes I am the same person I was then but I'm not. I have more knowledge, a better support system and much more self-belief.
I'm very thankful for T in particular. Who knows where I would be if I hadn't've met him when I did.

junkDNA · Oct 05, 2016 at 05:06 PM

I'm so glad you are not responding to his manipulation tactics. It is a hard thing to do!!! You have lots of strength and support.

Oct 05, 2016 at 05:58 PM

I am glad you trusted your instinct and didn't reply Echos. It was completely unethical, manipulative and almost abusive. He had to have known that he was playing a dangerous game but you chose not to play anymore, not to engage in his fantasy. That's not easy, especially given your past relationship with him. I hope you can acknowledge that this is huge growth for you.

Oct 06, 2016 at 12:05 AM

Thanks guys, yes I am proud of myself and glad I am able to make the right decision. I'm also feeling pretty humble though because I recognise I am lucky to have the right support in place and if I were in a more vulnerable position right now, it would have been more difficult to walk away. And that still would have been his bad.
You've been great support this week

missbella · Oct 06, 2016 at 03:27 AM

You describe my experience leaving my most bullying therapist. My former roommate, then a social worker, brought open what I knew already. She asked "when you called me, how did you expect me to answer?"

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ruh roh Run of the Mill Snowflake Member Since May 2015 Location: here and there Posts: 4,468 9 5,077 hugs given	Oct 05, 2016 at 08:47 AM #2 I'm so glad your therapist was such a great support to you in this. I love that he said to drop the "please." What an affirming experience this has turned out to be. Thanks for sharing it.
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ruh roh Run of the Mill Snowflake Member Since May 2015 Location: here and there Posts: 4,468 9 5,077 hugs given	Oct 05, 2016 at 09:04 AM #4 Yes, it's great when a therapist reveals what they really feel like that. Suggesting that you drop the please says a lot.
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growlycat Therapy Ninja Member Since Jan 2007 Location: How did I get here? Posts: 10,308 17 16.1k hugs given	Oct 05, 2016 at 09:13 AM #5 A difficult but brave thing to do. You are doing the right thing
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Anonymous55498 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 05, 2016 at 09:37 AM #6 I had a somewhat similar story with my former therapist, who had very messy boundaries. We ended therapy in a quite nasty way but then he would not want to let go of me. Sent many emails trying to talk me into going back. I responded asking him that he never contact me again. After a few months, I received yet another email from him, to which I never responded.
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Myrto Poohbah Member Since Jun 2014 Location: Belgium Posts: 1,179 9 471 hugs given	Oct 05, 2016 at 10:39 AM #7 This must have been a very difficult decision to reach. I don't think I could have done the same honestly. It's great that you had so much support. Well done.
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yoman Account Suspended Member Since Oct 2016 Location: odenton Posts: 6 7	Oct 05, 2016 at 12:08 PM #11 yea its pretty insightful for them to tell you to drop the please. Good luck to you in everything
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junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,303 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,151 hugs given	Oct 05, 2016 at 05:06 PM #15 I'm so glad you are not responding to his manipulation tactics. It is a hard thing to do!!! You have lots of strength and support. __________________
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Anonymous37925 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 06, 2016 at 12:05 AM #17 Thanks guys, yes I am proud of myself and glad I am able to make the right decision. I'm also feeling pretty humble though because I recognise I am lucky to have the right support in place and if I were in a more vulnerable position right now, it would have been more difficult to walk away. And that still would have been his bad. You've been great support this week
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missbella Grand Poohbah Member Since Jun 2010 Location: here Posts: 1,845 14 814 hugs given	Oct 06, 2016 at 03:27 AM #18 You describe my experience leaving my most bullying therapist. My former roommate, then a social worker, brought open what I knew already. She asked "when you called me, how did you expect me to answer?" __________________ https://disequilibrium1.wordpress.co...aks-her-piece/
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