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  #1  
Old Oct 18, 2016, 09:13 PM
Submax Submax is offline
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I am a sexual masochist since I was young. My wife saw heavy bruising on me recently and I confessed that I go to a Dominatrix every month for my fix. The wife asked me to go therapy. I found a sex therapist and explained how I have been like this since I was 12,how it started,how I like to caned,paddled until bleeding for the rush and sexual excitement. The therapist was nice but not very helpful and honestly seemed fascinated by the whole thing for her PH.D. paper. After three sessions I told the girl I wouldn't be going any longer as it was costly and I had zero desire to stop being beaten. The next day she emails me and tells me her supervisor would like me to come back to therapy and they would do it for free. I thought it was weird as I was paying $150 week and have a good job. I declined and she emailed me again asking me to reconsider. Makes me feel like a freak show. Is it normal for them to hound me about going like this ?

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  #2  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 07:28 AM
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growlycat growlycat is offline
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If they make you sign anything read the fine print. It would bother me too. They aren't being honest with you about one thing: fetishes do not go away. Sometimes they can be transformed somewhat but they are lying if they claim to be able to cure you of it. A therapist will just help you with self acceptance and helping you practice it n a way that doesn't anger your spouse. If anything couples therapy seems more appropriate.
  #3  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 07:41 AM
Anonymous58205
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I would be very suspicious of both their motivations and intentions. Therapists are not supposed to hound clients and to empower them to know when they want to quit and stay and to be ok with their choices around that.
A part of this therapist probably is excited because she has never encountered a client like you and views this as great learning and also her motivation comes into it. She sees a great piece of research here.
I would politely decline and never contact her again. This behaviour of hers is unethical because firstly her main interest should be a duty of care to you, her client and I don't see that here!
I agree with Growly, fetishes don't go away and the work is to explore how you and your partner can live together with the fetish. How can your needs and your wife's needs be met. This could mean a great deal of negotiation between you but once you both understand what it means to you both it can be managed
Thanks for this!
growlycat, Inner_Firefly
  #4  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 07:50 AM
nicoleflynn nicoleflynn is offline
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I would find a therapist who specializes in your area.
  #5  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 07:54 AM
scallion5 scallion5 is offline
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Sounds strange. Possibly viewing you as a learning opportunity, probably not the best care you might receive.

Not sure where you're located, but in urban areas there are often "kink friendly" therapists who are familiar with fetish and other lifestyles. I would invite you to search for one. Your local lifestyle community may know of some, or even the D you see might know of some names.
  #6  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 08:14 AM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is offline
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That seems odd to me as well. It would be one thing if her supervisor was running an actual research study on the topic and suggested you be a part of it. But this just sounds like they're interested in you because they haven't seen someone like you before. And I don't get the sense you said you couldn't come back because you couldn't afford it (then maybe I could see them making you that offer). So I'd try to find someone else.

Another thought: Would your wife be willing to go to marriage counselor and/or a sex therapist with you? If you could find someone who's at least a bit knowledgable about fetishes, they could probably help your wife understand more. And maybe you could find ways to integrate your fetish into your marriage. Or at least so you wouldn't have to be secretive about seeing a dominatrix.
Thanks for this!
growlycat
  #7  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 02:50 PM
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Skeezyks Skeezyks is offline
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Hello Submax: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! Anyway... I'd be really suspicious about that therapist & her supervisor... no... I'd be more than suspicious... I'd run the other direction! They may simply be viewing you as a lab rat, so to speak. It might be fun & interesting for them... but not at all beneficial to you.

I think the real question here though is what, if any, impact is your fetish going to have on your marriage; & how will you & your wife handle it? Is your wife going to be accepting of your fetish, or is this something that could drive a wedge between the two of you? Are you prepared to accept the consequences if it does?

You wrote you have zero desire to stop being beaten. And as growlycat wrote fetishes do not go away; at least I believe that is the general consensus of opinion on the subject. So, while seeking therapy in an effort to "cure" yourself of your fetish probably doesn't make sense, there may be some need for both you & your wife to seek some counseling / therapy services in an effort to determine if-&-how your fetish can be accommodated while still preserving your marriage. I wish you both well...
Thanks for this!
growlycat, LonesomeTonight
  #8  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 06:09 PM
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growlycat growlycat is offline
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I brought up my own kink in therapy and was pretty shocked at how little can change according to a very good therapist I used to have. Your wife probably thinks you can just go to therapy and "fix" it. Not that simple. A marriage counselor will help you both live with this.
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
  #9  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 08:36 PM
Submax Submax is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Submax: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! Anyway... I'd be really suspicious about that therapist & her supervisor... no... I'd be more than suspicious... I'd run the other direction! They may simply be viewing you as a lab rat, so to speak. It might be fun & interesting for them... but not at all beneficial to you.

I think the real question here though is what, if any, impact is your fetish going to have on your marriage; & how will you & your wife handle it? Is your wife going to be accepting of your fetish, or is this something that could drive a wedge between the two of you? Are you prepared to accept the consequences if it does?

You wrote you have zero desire to stop being beaten. And as growlycat wrote fetishes do not go away; at least I believe that is the general consensus of opinion on the subject. So, while seeking therapy in an effort to "cure" yourself of your fetish probably doesn't make sense, there may be some need for both you & your wife to seek some counseling / therapy services in an effort to determine if-&-how your fetish can be accommodated while still preserving your marriage. I wish you both well...
Hello Skeezyks. My wife is horrified and disgusted. I explained to her that I was beaten as a child by my parents and a teacher (nun) in the third grade. The nun spanked me,slapped me,humiliated me for the whole year. It had a huge effect on me sexually. In high school I had a girlfriend that I had slap me while we had sex. At 18 I was in an adult book store one night and the place had a Dominatrix who took sessions in a back room. I was approached by her and she asked if I wanted a session. I was scared but followed her direction. I loved it. As I made more money I upgraded Dominatrix's and have been with the same one for some time now. I am trying to be a good husband and haven't seen the Dominatrix for about 6 weeks now. I miss her sadistic and caring ways. So to sum it up my wife is upset,I have this counselor hounding me and I have my Dominatrix texting me asking when I am coming back. Uggh.
Hugs from:
growlycat, LonesomeTonight, ShaggyChic_1201
  #10  
Old Oct 19, 2016, 08:47 PM
Submax Submax is offline
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Monalisa: I won't be going back. My wife is horrified of who her husband is. I explained how I was treated as a child and how it started. Now she feels bad for me. I didn't want that,I just wanted her to understand. I wish I was more careful and she didn't find out.
Hugs from:
growlycat, LonesomeTonight
  #11  
Old Oct 20, 2016, 07:42 AM
Sarmas Sarmas is offline
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That's strange. It seems as if she's doing it more for her own benefit. It seems more of a scientific experiment in her part and you're the tool she needs to write her paper. Just my opinion.
  #12  
Old Oct 20, 2016, 07:55 AM
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ThisWayOut ThisWayOut is offline
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While I don't necessarily think the t is being very professional in hounding you to go back, it might be from the perspective that there's potentially childhood abuse issues to address...
  #13  
Old Oct 20, 2016, 09:42 AM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Submax View Post
Monalisa: I won't be going back. My wife is horrified of who her husband is. I explained how I was treated as a child and how it started. Now she feels bad for me. I didn't want that,I just wanted her to understand. I wish I was more careful and she didn't find out.
I'm sorry to hear of your wife's reaction, both the horror and the pity. This is where marriage counseling can help. A therapist could help her understand both how the abuse affected you and how your fetish affects you and your marriage. And hopefully come up with a way for you to deal with it together.
Thanks for this!
growlycat
  #14  
Old Oct 20, 2016, 09:13 PM
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growlycat growlycat is offline
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Your wife may be still shocked about the discovery, but I hope you can hold onto the fact that you aren't some monster What you do is with another consenting adult. Sure ideally it wouldn't be outside your marriage but now is a chance to incorporate your needs into the marriage. All partnerships are give and take and compromise. I hope your wife comes around that there are much bigger things in the world to be shocked about than this.
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
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