[granite1]

oh my goodness i just dont know what to think i think she is wanting to get rid of me or is at the least tired of me. with my health problems things have been a bit crazy with my being able to go to therapy . i canceled last week because i was in hospital and then cancled for today because i had a appointment with a surgeon.that got moved to monday and i was given the ok to drive so i called her as asked if it was ok if i came in today .she said yes . i got there today and one of the things she said was that she wanted to do was to figure out the schedule so i dont need to worry about missing appointments and then said she was thinking it would be best not to schedule me for next week so im not stressed . i guess i overstepped her boundaries by asking for my apt back.i told her that i would be fine unless she didnt really want to . she raised her voice and said stop saying that .she just seemed to be angry with me most of the time today . it was an angry your annoying me kind of stop saying that . like i was being needy and needing reassurance . anyway so i am scheduled for my triple bypass on nov 16th so i told her i could come to my appointments until then so then she was saying as long as you will be able to handle coming and walking up the stairs and so on . it just seemed like she didnt really want me to come anymore .im hurt . so she then said she will not be working next thursday so i wont see her until the thursday after that .dec 3.this was the first time i have seen her in a month. and missing a session again and then she said the next would be the 10 th and she would have to see me later or something . she just seemed so annoyed at me .again like she didnt want to see me again .i dont know what i did .i have always paid her when i have missed therapy even with ample notice and i will pay her for last weeks session .i dont know why she is so upset .
and then we talked about my familys involvement with my surgery .my first response when i was told this was i want my mother . i wanted to talk to her about this and my family also .she started raising her voice telling me to not contact the mother . i tried so hard to just talk about my feelings about it . she even said that i could come and talk about it all i want with her but i was not to contact her . i tried to talk to her but she was getting angry at everything i was saying and only telling me she would not allow it if the mother came here after my surgery that she believes the stress would possibly kill me . i was not going to contact her but i so wanted to talk to her about those feelings and it just upset her .she was so harsh . she was telling me i just need to let it go to just give it up . the hope that i will have a loving mother . she was so angry at me for the whole session . i feel horrible and i will only get to see her 2 more times before surgery

[velcro003]

Granite, it sounds like your T is probably concerned about your health, and probably was just trying to reassure you that you don't have to come if it is going to cause more stress (and possibly more health problems).

I think when you hear anger from your T (remember how she has told you multiple times that she has never been angry with you? This is one of those times as well), you confuse her being upset FOR YOU, versus her being upset AT you. She probably is adamant about you not contacting your mother, because it will only hurt you--and you especially don't need that going into a major surgery.

i honestly think she is angry at how much stress and your traumatic upbringing has affected your health--a triple bypass surgery is very serious! Could you sleep on it tonight, think about it tomorrow, and if you are really feeling that she was angry, leave her a message asking if she was, and could she please call you back because you are worried about it.

Granite, T seems to be concerned about your health and protective of you.

The mother is not a good person and contact with the mother sounds harmful for you. T sounds worried.

I know you feel you're awful and worthless, but that is the mother's evil teachings, not your true worth.

I agree with velcro,
You confuse her being upset FOR YOU, believing it is her being upset AT you.

The mother has indoctrinated you, Granite. The mother took out all her upset on innocent you. Hence it makes sense you believe T is upset at you. But T is not upset with you, dear Granite. She's upset at the wounds the mother has left on you which is the mother's fault and not yours.

[growlycat]

I also read this as your t being angry at your abusive mother and that abusive voice that you internalized. T sounds very protective of you like a mother tiger. She does not want you to get so stressed that she might lose you. I hear in her words that she wants you to fight harder to protect yourself and that's where you might feel her frustration. She absolutely wants to still see you she doesn't want to stress you with obligation right now.

[dtrain0802]

Granite, I'm sorry to hear about the way you're feeling.

I don't have any other advice that wasn't already provided to you growlycat, QuietMind, and velcro03.

All I can say is try hanging in there. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as we get closer and closer to the surgery date, okay?

All the best!

[granite1]

i just wanted to talk about how crummy i feel about not having any parent or family that i would want to be with me through this . i hate seeing all these family's that are so close to each other .she just was not going to listen to me yesterday . i really am going to try and look at this as she cares about me somewhat and this is what is going on but i wish she would have just let me talk i really needed to .i understand her fear of me contacting the mother but who wouldn't. im scared and feel so alone with no family except my husband . i do have some amazing friends who are staying on top of me but it isnt the same

Granite,

I hear you. It really really sucks to not have caring family, especially parental figures.

I do feel your T jumped the gun out of protective feelings when you said you want your mother.

Of course a part of us, sometimes a big huge part, does hope the uncaring parent will have an epiphany and start caring and loving us. No matter how cruel a parent is, as children we had to keep hope alive to survive.

Your feelings of wanting love and care from family are completely valid. I hope you can talk with T again and express these feelings with her providing you a safe space.

Edited to add... Also I've spoken with my T about how no matter how I've friends, my SO and T, they cannot fill the space of wanting the parents' love. That is a loss I have to grieve...what I didn't get, and might never get.