Couch 124 - Discussions & more!

Had a cry today. Waiting for it to be time to take my evening meds. Hope they work today; they haven't worked for two nights in a row.

Hope they work for you tonight!

Was just thinking about my session earlier. At one point I was talking about how I still struggle from time to time with the feelings of needing her and how I don't want to need. And she asked me if it would help to normalize it. I said no. Usually I appreciate hearing that something is normal and that I am not weird. For some reason with this one, I don't want to know that it's normal or not normal. I just don't want it at all. Hmm.

Has this important message already been posted? i.e., it's National Cat Day today?

I didn't know that! In the spirit of National Cat Day, here are my furbabies:

They all look rather thrilled at being photographed, don't they? Too funny.

I don't really know what to do with myself tonight. I find myself in the midst of a weird kind of therapy hangover, it's not bad-feeling, but at the same time, not feeling really all here either. The tears that came while we were discussing last night's nightmare, it's like they opened up a place inside me... a place where I still knew how to dream big for myself... and I am left wondering now... how much else of myself have I locked away... if after 5 years we're just now finding THIS part? I'm going to talk to my sister tomorrow (the one that I hardly ever talk to just because, I really don't know why exactly) about how she managed to put herself through her Masters and PhD, and also she's always been very supportive of me doing therapy because she's done her own work and is in no denial of our screwed-up childhoods unlike our other 2 siblings.

T was saying today how I could do so many things - and I just looked at her, feeling baffled, and wondering what in the sam hell she was talking about and who she thought was sitting in front of her besides me. How does she see so much potential in dumb, stupid old me? That is literally what I was thinking. I could NOT grasp it. It was like a part of me was sitting there next to myself watching me throw ice on any ideas her confidence in me was trying to germinate. And I told her that. That I was seeing myself do that.

How does she not tire of me?!

I suppose I'll go to bed and try to sleep. Not sure my brain will allow it, if not, I'll be back!

Art - from what I remember of your previous posts, I think you may have had essentially the same revelation several times before, just perhaps not on this particular topic. I think the thing to work on is to hold a sense of the general revelation, and apply it to specific issues when you want to change something in your life. Among other advantages, learning to do that means you can become self-actualizing in coming up with goals and ways to reach them.

I hate grading.

That's true, huh. Good observation, thank you!

I do seem to circle back around to the same thing a lot.... but each time I'm different... or something like that.

Art, I see what your therapist sees...it's not a very big leap at all for you to step into a life of greater and more fulfilling possibilities. Look at your son. He didn't get that way on his own. You nurtured and supported and cheered him on (and still do) and he steps right up to every challenge and doesn't limit himself. He got that from you. It's in you to live that way, too.

Awww thank you ruh roh! I just observed the automatic response in my head which went something like this "yeah, but he deserves it!" I tried something and pictured internal earplugs blocking that voice and then read what you said again and it made my heart smile and brought little tears of joy to my eyes. Thank you so much, what a beautiful thing to say. Can I give you a ?

I hate making up freshman-level multiple-choice exams. Few people appreciate how hard it is to create a good, fair multiple-choice question.

Trade you?

The happy part about a law school multiple choice exam is that it is supposed to mimic the bar exam- where you are trying to choose the least bad answer. Fairness has nothing to do with it.

You sure can--thank you!

Art, I wish for you that you will see the beautiful truth about yourself and embrace it as fully as you do for your son (and others, whom you are always so supportive of).

I often have that eric clapton song "promises" pop into my head when I read this site.

First part of this weeks therapy homework done, I just finished writing morning pages. T suggested I start the Artist's Way book again, I started it a long time ago but quit. It was interesting yesterday when I opened the book to where I stopped before, the topic where I quit was shame. I so get why the energy was no longer there for me to complete it last time. I read through it last night and got some really good insights. And will be doing my morning pages again every morning. 2nd part of my homework is to talk to my sister about how she financed her Master's and PhD, which I'll do today. 3rd part is to do an Active Imagination with the nightmare from the other night and talk to the dream son and ask him what promises I broke (in part of the dream he told me I should not have broken my promises to him).

I noticed something about my t yesterday. How she forgives herself, like I kinda saw her process for a brief second there. I told her I didn't know why I had stopped the Artist's Way book when I did. Or why I have other unfinished projects around the house. She just said, well the energy wasn't there for them anymore. She didn't suggest I was wrong or bad or lazy or anything like that. Just, "the energy wasn't there anymore". That's kinda like when I say I know I had a dream, but I can't remember it - she'll say "Oh well, it just wasn't ready yet."

I have found a problem with the woman I pay is that she forgives herself all too easily when she should not do so at all.

I don't necessarily think that forgiving oneself is the same thing as not taking responsibility for one's actions or whatever. I think forgiving yourself is something that comes after taking responsibility? Maybe? Like, I could kinda see t's process also in my recent session where I told her I'd been angry with her for pushing me so hard in the session previous to that. She owned it, she said therapists make mistakes, certainly I do, and talked about needing to be more aware of the negative mother thing when it comes in, that she had not been alert for it, or something, but I could sense in her own processing that admitting to the mistake and apologizing for it and making sure she's more aware in the future, she forgave herself, and we moved on. I felt that. And I feel that if you go through the process of owning, apologizing, making right, then forgiving yourself should be the natural next step. Maybe. Just my musings.

Of course forgiving somebody else is another matter entirely. I still have not been able to find forgiveness in my heart for my mother over the hate letter she wrote me many years ago while I was still in college. Actually, most of the letter yes, I have forgiven her for, anything she said about ME was just her opinion and what the **** ever (finally I can at least say that) but the one thing that she said that I cannot forgive was her saying she was glad her mother was dead (my grandmother who I loved more than anything, and was more a mother to me than she was) so she wouldn't have to know that I was dating a woman. That was the most hurtful thing she could have said to me. And I am fairly certain that my grandmother would have still loved me anyway, she might not have understood, but she would have loved me anyway regardless. That's just who she was. I don't think she had it in her, to hate another person for any reason. One of the many things I still love about her.

At the risk of pointing out the obvious, it sounds like your mother was / is jealous of your relationship with your grandmother i.e., her statement had nothing to do with you / your grandmother? So, if she'd figured out that you were terribly fond of something / someone else, she would've used that to get you where it hurt the most?

(And, with that we conclude this special edition of AY's non-existent wisdom on matters of great and less import)

T has speculated that as well. I'm not quite ready to go there yet. Because, if I do go there, then I'll feel the need to forgive her because then I will understand that her action came from a place of her own pain. I'm not ready to see that yet. Even though some part of me is sure that's true. It still hurts, and I can't forgive her while it hurts. But maybe it won't stop hurting until I forgive her. I don't know.

BTW, non-existent wisdom my foot! I think you see this whole thing very clearly and correctly.

I've done so much good therapy-workings this weekend that my head might explode. Ha.

Way to make me lose interest in you on Match.com - tell me you like traveling, but haven't been able to do so because of an aging pet, but he'll be gone soon, so then there won't be any problem.