Couch 124 - Discussions & more!

Kashi's building is closed today but im oddly ok with it. Last session was too intense. I told him I wish I could hand him
A Usb drive with everything about me on it. Telling it all again is so hard on me. Looking back on my life is dizzying all the stuff I've gone through. I was king of enjoying just being in the present and the past was starting to feel
Like someone else's life or a movie I once saw.

I wonder how our kitties would react to it?

Holy hell! It's quiet in the house. Came home from going out to Panera expecting fully to leave again and EVERYONE is gone. YAY!!!

Mine (the big black one) would probably try to wrestle it into submission.

Well saying that was a good session would be the grand understatement of them all! It was the epitome of just how good a really good session can be. My head is still spinning but in a good way if that makes any sense. Just, wow! She brought her A game today that's for sure!!

Penny would be plotting...

Yes, her too!!

.... it was the nightmare I had last night, as I read it to her and we talked about it, that brought out the most work. I got super emotional just reading it and then talking about it and together figuring out what my psyche is telling me I was totally bawling... very cathartic though so it was good crying... and I have a list of things to do for homework and she's going to want to see evidence that I did it next time, I started it already on the way home. I feel like I am on the verge of something big here - something life-changing, that's been inside me for a very long time, but that the negative mother thing that lives on in me has quashed almost-out-of-existence-but-not-quite, I just have to stop being scared and freaking GO FOR IT for once in my up until now pathetic life!! Part 1 of my homework was to stop at Starbucks on the way home and get a chai tea latte (my favorite indulgence that I hardly ever allow myself) and call my sister and find out how she put herself through her master's and phd programs. I want to go back to school but I'm afraid to just do it, afraid of the money part, afraid afraid afraid blah blah blah. the chai tea was delicious but my sister wasn't home and she didn't answer her cell so I left her messages. Now I need to research grants/scholarships (again) and actually apply for some of them. Last time I did this I let the negative mother voice tell me I wasn't good enough and I stopped looking. She said she wasn't trying to push me but that she just wants me to be happy, and she knows that if I go through with the stuff we talked about today that I will be happier, more fulfilled, and be making more money besides. This is one session I really really wish I had recorded somehow!! I already can't remember everything.

Art I'm so happy for you. I love breakthrough sessions! Kashi recently asked me how I knew that therapy was working. I had to think about it but the answer came in two parts. One, I feel secure and cared for and have a general sense of well being. Two, feeling good allows me to take "healthy risks". Your thoughts of pursuing your education remind me of this healthy risk taking. I hope that you pursue it!!

Picnic was great. But came home and had a total meltdown realizing how different everything could have been the last few years in my life. Various bodily fluids shed. Now am planning to drug myself into sleep until World Series time.

So, probably not ready to start dating again.

((Atat))

Maybe you're just not used to being happy?

CE that sorta explains where I'm at right now - I'm at the moment so much happier than I've ever been before because of the hard work I've done in therapy, that part of me finds it ludicrous for me to try and become happier yet!!

(well that was a bit of a revelation now, wasn't it?)

thanks growly!! yeah, feeling good does allow me to take "healthy risks" too. Like doing the shamanic practitioner training this year - our next session of that is a week from today and I can't wait. It's always the damn money piece that gets me with anything because of my "money complex" - the practitioner training is very very affordable so that doesn't activate the complex. But the cost of the Master's program activates it big time and sends me running for the proverbial hills.

something else that was big from the nightmare last night - my son was the main part of the dream, but he was 15 not almost 18 like he is now, I already figured it wasn't about him per se but about my animus - and I didn't even realize it until I was reading the dream to t, but duh, I was 15 when my grandma died, so even the development of my animus stopped when I lost her. Like I already knew my emotional development stopped then too. It really was a breakthrough session today in a couple of different ways. I'm seeing her again on Wednesday after work because neither of us are available next Saturday, so there won't be much of a chance for this "stuff" to get away from me when I see her again so soon. I guess I won't be taking the rest of my break anytime soon lol

Art does your workplace offer any kind of tuition reimbursement?

I checked into that awhile back, but they pay only for courses that apply to your current job. Which is stupid, because what kind of college courses would apply to being a CSR?! I think I should probably call HR and probe a little bit more....

Thanks, CE, but not used to being happy means something like you pick holes in something like a relationship or situation just so you can find flaws in it. It doesn't mean you suddenly really grasp how pretty objectively awful the last few years have been and that there has been serious damage done and that it shouldn't have been/didn't need to be that way.

Feel free to bash me on the head virtually but I'm willing to bet your no.3 and no.2 would call this a profound breakthrough.

I get all too well the pull of sinking into the last (un-bold-ed) part but....

My town has early voting so I just got that over with. Can't wait for this horrible election cycle to go away. I did my part.

I voted absentee ballot. I cussed out all the candidates in the privacy of my house.

I'm doing the early voting to. Tempted to write in Sheldon Cooper. Or Ellen.

I would like to write in Tom Kirkman...too bad he's not a real person ("Designated Survivor").

You know, I hated a lot of this election too - but I'm gonna miss it, because if nothing else, it certainly wasn't dull!

Consider yourself bashed. *frowns reprovingly*