[rainbow8]

Reading about Ts who were caring and compassionate, then suddenly changed face and abandoned their clients makes me wonder. I have an amazing, dedicated, and caring T. No way can I imagine her leaving me without warning and explanation. She's not that kind of person and I trust her.

But many of you felt the same way about your T's. How can that happen? My T could retire or move to another state but she wouldn't just abandon me! Am I naïve? Just wondering. Are incompetent Ts so common? I'm very glad I found one of the good ones.

[TishaBuv]

The attachment to t stories terrify me. That's the last thing I need. Makes me want to keep a distance.

[JaneTennison1]

I think even the best T can become distracted by life or burned out and no longer able to be there.

My current T has said that while she has no plans to leave, she will not promise to never leave as life has twists sometimes.

You may be a bit naive, but you also know your therapist and no one else here does. The fact is that things CAN happen, even if they aren't meant to happen. There is a reality that change is inevitable and often unplanned and unpredicted. It doesn't have to happen because your T is unprofessional or incompetent; life just happens sometimes. If your T decides to retire or move, no, she wouldn't be abandoning you, but that would be a change, perhaps fairly sudden, and you would have to cope with that.

[BayBrony]

Many Ts like many people suck at self-care. My T is a self care ninja. That is occasionally painful but overall makes me feel safer.

It isn't even necessarily that they burn out. Things can just happen that weren't in their life plan. For instance, my 2nd therapist's son was diagnosed with cancer at one point and he took a lengthy absence (about a year) from work in order to care for his son, take him to another city for treatments, etc. His clients had to find another therapist for a fairly lengthy amount of time. He wasn't incompetent or unprofessional; he was simply prioritizing family above work (which is perfectly natural and understandable). Another therapist took a job in another state. I didn't have much warning, but I always knew that was a possibility and it was change that I worked with. He wasn't incompetent or unprofessional; he didn't "abandon" me. He simply made a decision about his life that was best for him and his family.

Change happens. Any therapist who promises that nothing could ever happen that might cause them to have to stop working is being unrealistic and promising something they simply cannot promise. Clients need to keep themselves in touch with that reality and just be aware that, as hard as change is, it can happen to anyone, even the most caring, supportive, professional therapists.

ETA: That doesn't mean you need to spend a lot of energy worrying about it. Most likely, your T will be with you until she retires or you are finished with therapy. Just also don't live in complete denial that something could possibly happen at some point that you might have to adjust to. Don't obsess about it though. One thing I've learned in life is that life has its own plan that often doesn't jive with my own. It ticks me off when that happens; it upsets my world, but I have to deal with what life throws at me. Being able to adapt to unexpected change is a survival skill. You may not need that survival skill, but it's always smart to be prepared to have to put that survival skill into action.

[therapyishelping777]

Honestly thats why I have back up T's so that if he did abandon me or fire me or quit or something, I have my lifecoach who is a T and would get me in asap. and I could go to my betterhelp guy if I wanted. I touch base with both from time to time and keep up. Incase my in person T did something unexpected.. I often wondered if this would hinder me.. but I think it has only helped to keep up with the other ones once in a while.. If a table has 3 legs and one breaks at least the other two can help hold it up.. while you fix the other or find another. my T gave me that analogy..

Only you know your therapist. Though based on what you you've shared, yours seems to be a very solid one.

Life definitely happens! Not even the best therapist can promise they will always be there.

[junkDNA]

I can't imagine my T abandoning me, but I am not ignoring that it still might happen for whatever reason

[BudFox]

It isn't just incompetence or life changes. If a therapist gets triggered in some way, that might be it. Boom. Mine saw that I was being traumatized somewhat by the process. All she could think of at that point was that she had failed terribly. Her own sense of self became the primary concern. I had to be eliminated. When I tried to have a real conversation about this a bit later she became hostile and refused to speak to me ever again. Have also read accounts of therapists suddenly waking up to some sort of enmeshment and freaking out and ending it.

Nothing other people write about THEIR individual relationship with their T has any bearing at all on YOUR relationship with your T. That goes for positive as well as negative aspects.

[OliverB]

I don't think about abandonmnet, for me it's more like therapist dying or being severly injuryied, something happening to him that don't allow him to continue being a therapist, or he realizing he cannot help you.

[MariaLucy]

I think it would be wise for ALL clients to ask their T to sign a contract saying that if they need to end suddenly - they will at least do two sessions for every six months you have worked with them. So if you worked with them for three years, you get 12 sessions to process the ending. that is reasonable. Apart from being in a coma or dead, there isn't really any excuse for a therapist to abruptly bail out. It is unprofessional. It is damaging to the client. It is too easy for therapists to just walk away suddenly. If you try to chase them up about it, they can report you for harassment. No other profession can just refuse to answer your questions like this. It is terrible. So write out that contract. It may not be legally binding but it will be something to wave if the worst happens. I had the most loving committed caring therapist on the planet. A man who is working five days a week as I write this. He didn't even have the decency to tell me himself. He took a month to write me a letter which explained nothing and told me not to contact him ( I am not allowed to reply?!?!?) and he was pressured into writing that letter. I often think Aliens abducted my T and replaced him with this idiot. it is the only thing that makes sense.

[stopdog]

I would not need or want such a thing. I don't see it as workable - what about the therapist falling ill? or major personal disaster?
In fact, I would find it better for the therapist to remind clients that anything can end at any time because no one can guarantee anything.

[MariaLucy]

It is interesting to me how people assume the therapist may have a good reason to end. They might not.
that doesn't seem to be something people can compute: that therapists can just walk away without good reason.
but just because they want to.
I think they need more training about the damaging nature of abrupt termination.

[stopdog]

It doesn't matter to me (and just me - I am not talking about anyone else) why the therapist quits. But I am not attached or enamoured of the ones I pay.
If one starts going on in terms of contracts etc - I am merely pointing out its great unworkability. I am reminded of the merchant of venice and the pound of flesh. I do believe that mostly abruptness is due to something in the therapist's life.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

It is interesting to me how people assume the therapist may have a good reason to end. They might not.
that doesn't seem to be something people can compute: that therapists can just walk away without good reason.
but just because they want to.
I think they need more training about the damaging nature of abrupt termination.

I think it is about attachment. I see people here emailing, sending sms, meeting their therapist outside sessiong, getting hugs, worrying about their personal life, and I am like WTF. and I come from a dysfunctional family and have a lot of trauma, sexual absue, phyisical abuse, emotiotional abuse, neglect to the point doctors thought I was autistic as a kid, and still I don't understand it.

Maybe it's because I see my relationship with my therapist the same as I my dentist or the guy of the pet store. If the dentisit or the guy of the pet store suddendly stop working I would be a bit dissapointed because I liked him but that's all.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

It is interesting to me how people assume the therapist may have a good reason to end. They might not.
that doesn't seem to be something people can compute: that therapists can just walk away without good reason.
but just because they want to.
I think they need more training about the damaging nature of abrupt termination.

Amen. There is basically nothing to stop a therapist from bolting simply because they tire of a particular client, or because their own needs are not getting met. Therapists are no more altruistic or pure than anyone else.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Nocter

I think it is about attachment. I see people here emailing, sending sms, meeting their therapist outside sessiong, getting hugs, worrying about their personal life, and I am like WTF. and I come from a dysfunctional family and have a lot of trauma, sexual absue, phyisical abuse, emotiotional abuse, neglect to the point doctors thought I was autistic as a kid, and still I don't understand it.

Therapy is extremely seductive. There is also an enormous disparity in terms of emotional exposure, and that naturally leads to dependency, especially if the client is in crisis. Also, seems that certain therapists bring this out in certain clients, because their tone of voice, body language, appearance, demeanor fits with the client's unmet early needs like a key in a lock.

Originally Posted by Nocter

Maybe it's because I see my relationship with my therapist the same as I my dentist or the guy of the pet store. If the dentisit or the guy of the pet store suddendly stop working I would be a bit dissapointed because I liked him but that's all.

THere is a reason that therapy ethics codes have to include obsessive reminders about prohibitions on sexual misconduct. It's completely different from other professional relationships. In other professional relationships, there is a service of skill or technical knowledge being purchased. In therapy you are purchasing a relationship.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by therapyishelping777

Honestly thats why I have back up T's so that if he did abandon me or fire me or quit or something, I have my lifecoach who is a T and would get me in asap. and I could go to my betterhelp guy if I wanted. I touch base with both from time to time and keep up. Incase my in person T did something unexpected.. I often wondered if this would hinder me.. but I think it has only helped to keep up with the other ones once in a while.. If a table has 3 legs and one breaks at least the other two can help hold it up.. while you fix the other or find another. my T gave me that analogy..

Agreed. I have my pdoc if t croaks. And i think im ready to retire the talking cure. I mean, can i GET any more wonderful?! But i still want my drugs.

[kecanoe]

I think that we see the more extreme cases of attachment and abandonment on this board. Many people I know have seen a t for a while, been helped and gone on with their lives. And never posted a word on a forum about their therapy. And I suspect that for those that do, once therapy is successfully terminated (what ever that means to a client) the client goes on with things and never posts here again. So I think the view from this forum is probably a bit skewed.

That said, it is true that ts leave clients. Due to a personal decision or a crisis, some clients have to deal with the resulting feelings of abandonment. And that sucks. Especially for people like me!

T1's brother just died. Suddenly. at the O'Hare airport actually, on an escalator as he was heading somewhere for work. I find that rather scary. The challenge for me is to engage (with t and anyone else) with people knowing that no relationship lasts forever.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I have seen a handful of therapists for 2-4 years, my most recent T at about 8 years. While I would be unhappy if she abruptly terminated me or quit so I couldn't see her anymore, I wouldn't take termination personally and I would see another therapist because to me, it is about the work I have to do. One T is about as good as another T. I was forced to switch abruptly once years ago after 2 years and it was fine.

I am not criticizing anyone for feeling differently or doing differently. I believe in a T's right to decide not to work with anyone for any reason, and to set any boundaries they want to. Clients get to vote with their feet and choose to stay or leave and find someone more suited to them. To me, I as the client hold the ultimate power about how my therapy goes. My therapy transcends the therapist and moves on even in the circumstance where I can't, for whatever reason, work with any particular T.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Therapy is extremely seductive. There is also an enormous disparity in terms of emotional exposure, and that naturally leads to dependency, especially if the client is in crisis. Also, seems that certain therapists bring this out in certain clients, because their tone of voice, body language, appearance, demeanor fits with the client's unmet early needs like a key in a lock.


THere is a reason that therapy ethics codes have to include obsessive reminders about prohibitions on sexual misconduct. It's completely different from other professional relationships. In other professional relationships, there is a service of skill or technical knowledge being purchased. In therapy you are purchasing a relationship.

Not to be argumentative, but clergy also have strict guidelines about appropriate conduct and in my denomination, we have to attend sexual ethics training every 4 years. And there is a lot of emphasis on keeping relationships safe for all parties, not just on staying out of the sack with people.

It is also similar in that there is often a one sided disclosure, and that people are often looking for a relationship. Of course it differs in that the clergy is not paid directly by the parishoner, but that can make it even murkier.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

T1's brother just died. Suddenly. at the O'Hare airport actually, on an escalator as he was heading somewhere for work. I find that rather scary. The challenge for me is to engage (with t and anyone else) with people knowing that no relationship lasts forever.

Similar sitch, different airport. What is it about airport travel that is so deadly now? This is not blood clots after a long flight, this is "departing before departing".

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Not to be argumentative, but clergy also have strict guidelines about appropriate conduct and in my denomination, we have to attend sexual ethics training every 4 years. And there is a lot of emphasis on keeping relationships safe for all parties, not just on staying out of the sack with people.

It is also similar in that there is often a one sided disclosure, and that people are often looking for a relationship. Of course it differs in that the clergy is not paid directly by the parishoner, but that can make it even murkier.

True there are similar issues with clergy. I still think nothing is as seductive as therapy, in every sense of the word.